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I need some advice please!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Farmwife" data-source="post: 368182" data-attributes="member: 8617"><p>Nice to meet you. I am sorry you are going through so much right now.</p><p> </p><p>My ex has serious mental health issues and our parting was bitter. </p><p> </p><p>My current husband has been around difficult child and I for about 4 years. We recently had a baby and are expecting again so I can sort of relate. In our situation there were some ongoing issues:</p><p> </p><p>*difficult child (gift from god, problem child) had some serious emotional damage from my ex and had his own version of dealing with it which presented itself as serious anger. It took a couple years for him to sort it all out and it took counseling for him to get there. medications took the edge off but he needed to learn some coping skills too.</p><p> </p><p>*difficult child had to learn to accept the new man and husband in my life. There was a lot of jealousy issues and then the typical new parent "I don't like him telling me what to do" stuff to muddle through. A kid who has ODD is not too happy about a new authority figure in the house.</p><p> </p><p>*difficult child and his various issues have been a nightmare, no way to sugar coat it. After 3 years of total insanity we are now just getting stable and *gasp* almost normal. It was a long hard road with a lotof tears and work but we are getting there. slowly...</p><p> </p><p>*There was a lot of chaos after my easy child (perfect child) was born, I'm talking violent outbursts. difficult child had sibling jealousy and assumed he was being replaced or some other such nonsense. I too was at the end of my rope and wondering if I had to place my difficult child elsewhere. It was a heartbreaking thought but I knew I had to protect my easy child infant. Thankfully as we came to the final moments of difficult child living here we had some breakthroughs and life eased up. We still have ups and downs but the dysfunction has faded to just normal family junk when dealing with a teen.</p><p> </p><p>The difference in my situation is that both children are my bio children. While I am sure you love your steps I can see how in this situation that bio baby takes priority. All I can say for steps is that my husband has been a trooper and difficult child has really put him through heck, so that is common. I think bio and step parents get dumped on equally. It just gets hard when the bio parent isn't cooperative with step. If you guys can't agree on something it makes it harder.</p><p> </p><p>I highly suggest counseling couples and family. Reason being is that even if you do choose to leave this man is the bio parent of your child and you will have to work with him. Seeing dad is important for a kid which will probably include seeing the half siblings. So, until his bio kids are under control you may not get as far as you like away from it all. It hoovers but you will legally and morally have a connection to this man for life. Indirectly your baby is stuck with those kiddos now. If Dad is a nice guy who is just trapped doing the right thing it would be so harsh to maybe not let him see his baby whom he probably loves very much just because of the siblings. (if that were an option) Obviously he is a decent guy for taking care of difficult child kids when the ex was absent for a time. Parents rarely agree 100% on parenting styles. You two may never have a meeting of the minds as a couple or not.</p><p> </p><p>Do you still love your husband? Is it something counseling may help sort out? Can bio Mom be more involved so you guys get breaks? I can vouch for how much damage my difficult child did to my marriage and how much better husband and I get along now that difficult child is acting better. My marriage improved after my difficult child improved.</p><p> </p><p>Can you take a break and move out temporarily for safety if you need to? Do you have a safety plan?</p><p> </p><p>Ultimately you must protect your baby but preserving family is importnat too if it can be done.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Farmwife, post: 368182, member: 8617"] Nice to meet you. I am sorry you are going through so much right now. My ex has serious mental health issues and our parting was bitter. My current husband has been around difficult child and I for about 4 years. We recently had a baby and are expecting again so I can sort of relate. In our situation there were some ongoing issues: *difficult child (gift from god, problem child) had some serious emotional damage from my ex and had his own version of dealing with it which presented itself as serious anger. It took a couple years for him to sort it all out and it took counseling for him to get there. medications took the edge off but he needed to learn some coping skills too. *difficult child had to learn to accept the new man and husband in my life. There was a lot of jealousy issues and then the typical new parent "I don't like him telling me what to do" stuff to muddle through. A kid who has ODD is not too happy about a new authority figure in the house. *difficult child and his various issues have been a nightmare, no way to sugar coat it. After 3 years of total insanity we are now just getting stable and *gasp* almost normal. It was a long hard road with a lotof tears and work but we are getting there. slowly... *There was a lot of chaos after my easy child (perfect child) was born, I'm talking violent outbursts. difficult child had sibling jealousy and assumed he was being replaced or some other such nonsense. I too was at the end of my rope and wondering if I had to place my difficult child elsewhere. It was a heartbreaking thought but I knew I had to protect my easy child infant. Thankfully as we came to the final moments of difficult child living here we had some breakthroughs and life eased up. We still have ups and downs but the dysfunction has faded to just normal family junk when dealing with a teen. The difference in my situation is that both children are my bio children. While I am sure you love your steps I can see how in this situation that bio baby takes priority. All I can say for steps is that my husband has been a trooper and difficult child has really put him through heck, so that is common. I think bio and step parents get dumped on equally. It just gets hard when the bio parent isn't cooperative with step. If you guys can't agree on something it makes it harder. I highly suggest counseling couples and family. Reason being is that even if you do choose to leave this man is the bio parent of your child and you will have to work with him. Seeing dad is important for a kid which will probably include seeing the half siblings. So, until his bio kids are under control you may not get as far as you like away from it all. It hoovers but you will legally and morally have a connection to this man for life. Indirectly your baby is stuck with those kiddos now. If Dad is a nice guy who is just trapped doing the right thing it would be so harsh to maybe not let him see his baby whom he probably loves very much just because of the siblings. (if that were an option) Obviously he is a decent guy for taking care of difficult child kids when the ex was absent for a time. Parents rarely agree 100% on parenting styles. You two may never have a meeting of the minds as a couple or not. Do you still love your husband? Is it something counseling may help sort out? Can bio Mom be more involved so you guys get breaks? I can vouch for how much damage my difficult child did to my marriage and how much better husband and I get along now that difficult child is acting better. My marriage improved after my difficult child improved. Can you take a break and move out temporarily for safety if you need to? Do you have a safety plan? Ultimately you must protect your baby but preserving family is importnat too if it can be done. [/QUOTE]
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