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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 740040" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>Copa, I'm so sorry that you feel everything has come crashing down on you. I have a couple of thoughts.</p><p></p><p>First, you do not have the benefit of seeing how your son would have turned out if you had not been in his life. Were you able to do so, you might be amazed by your positive influence, whereas from this viewpoint all you can focus on is "failure."</p><p></p><p>Second, about the SSI, your son (like most of our adult children) lives in the moment. Yes, it was incredibly dumb-@$$ed, but hardly surprising. He has been making financial decisions based on a 2-week window so as to afford marijuana; you can't have expected him to contemplate his material support after you are gone. As smithmom said, you worry about his situation, but he doesn't. You did what you could.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You won't make sense of it, Copa. None of us will. All we can do is try to stop rattling our brains against the cages.</p><p></p><p>There are so many ways to stop. We have so many trailblazers to follow around here. RE has done so much wonderful internal work to come to a place of acceptance. She is the Bodhi of Gracious Acceptance. Leafy has done such a tremendous job of modeling strength to her daughters, even at a time when she was reeling from the loss of her soulmate. Tanya had a health scare and made a deliberate choice to find joy and keep joy, no matter what her son brings into her life. SWOT is a master at giving her son a loving and listening presence, while still maintaining that "medium chill" level of emotional involvement, even when he is trying to bait and batter her. Newstart talked about her friend, who made the decision years ago to walk away and never looked back. RN turned to her faith. There are so many others.</p><p></p><p>All of them somehow came to terms with the realization that every single contact makes them feel like shite, and they don't want to do it anymore.</p><p></p><p>I was reading about a study in which researchers looked at the number one reason why mothers cut ties with their adult children. There was little correlation with the "big" reasons one might expect, like incarceration or substance abuse. The number one reason is that their children violated their trust or expectations by not sharing core beliefs or values that were fundamental to them. When looked at in that light, it's no wonder we rattle our brains against the cages. We can't betray our core values. They define us. We can't not love our children. They define us too.</p><p></p><p>So how do we reconcile such a conflict? I guess all we can do it examine where we stand emotionally and find a path we can live with, based on our values.</p><p></p><p>I don't want to hijack your thread with my update, but I am going through some similar feelings so I will share. In brief: After son submerged his car and didn't let us know he was all right, I told Hubs I'm done. (How strange...just a quiet realization that I don't want to do this anymore. I always thought if I ever reached this point, it would come with a big catharsis.)</p><p></p><p>I told Hubs that while I will always hope son will find his way, my main concern was no longer son's welfare (how strange and sad to say). My concern is Hubs's welfare if he must bear this burden alone.</p><p>Hubs said he understood and agreed with my decision; he just wasn't ready to take that step yet.</p><p></p><p>In the past 2 weeks, son left rehab, went on a meth binge and called Hubs because police were there to arrest him. Hubs called my son's rehab buddy and they raced to his hotel. No cops, just son sitting on a bench outside, hallucinating, with a bunch of drug buddies in his room. Hubs cleared them out of the room, cleared the drugs and paraphernalia out of the room, and took him back to rehab, still saucer-eyed and hallucinating. Surprisingly, they took him back.</p><p></p><p>Son left rehab the next day, called Hubs 2 days later on another binge, hallucinating, saying someone was in his room trying to kill him. Hubs called me at work, in a panic, and said he can't deal with this anymore. I told him to Baker Act son if he was a danger to himself, otherwise walk away.</p><p></p><p>When I got home from work that night, Hubs looked 100 years old. I told him I thought if he doesn't find a way to stop, he's going to die for son, and it won't do son one bit of good. I begged him to consider limiting son's contact unless and until son finds his way back to us.</p><p></p><p>When son checked himself out of the hospital after less than a day, he called Hubs to say rehab won't take him back a third time and asked for some help getting transportation for a supposed job offer. Hubs told him he's done, we're done, we're not doing this anymore. He doesn't want any contact until son has at least 6 months of sobriety under his belt.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if it will do any good, but my point to the story is that Hubs looks so much happier, he feels happier, he has his power back. I'm absolutely not saying that no contact is the answer for everyone, but the body doesn't lie. It's right for us, for right now. And I think that's all we can do...find what's right for us, right now.</p><p></p><p>I wanted to add, that's why I don't spend as much time here lately. I find that I need to keep my distance from all of this right now. Maybe as time goes on I can gain some perspective. For right now, I must keep it in the background or I am too easily swept away.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 740040, member: 17720"] Copa, I'm so sorry that you feel everything has come crashing down on you. I have a couple of thoughts. First, you do not have the benefit of seeing how your son would have turned out if you had not been in his life. Were you able to do so, you might be amazed by your positive influence, whereas from this viewpoint all you can focus on is "failure." Second, about the SSI, your son (like most of our adult children) lives in the moment. Yes, it was incredibly dumb-@$$ed, but hardly surprising. He has been making financial decisions based on a 2-week window so as to afford marijuana; you can't have expected him to contemplate his material support after you are gone. As smithmom said, you worry about his situation, but he doesn't. You did what you could. You won't make sense of it, Copa. None of us will. All we can do is try to stop rattling our brains against the cages. There are so many ways to stop. We have so many trailblazers to follow around here. RE has done so much wonderful internal work to come to a place of acceptance. She is the Bodhi of Gracious Acceptance. Leafy has done such a tremendous job of modeling strength to her daughters, even at a time when she was reeling from the loss of her soulmate. Tanya had a health scare and made a deliberate choice to find joy and keep joy, no matter what her son brings into her life. SWOT is a master at giving her son a loving and listening presence, while still maintaining that "medium chill" level of emotional involvement, even when he is trying to bait and batter her. Newstart talked about her friend, who made the decision years ago to walk away and never looked back. RN turned to her faith. There are so many others. All of them somehow came to terms with the realization that every single contact makes them feel like shite, and they don't want to do it anymore. I was reading about a study in which researchers looked at the number one reason why mothers cut ties with their adult children. There was little correlation with the "big" reasons one might expect, like incarceration or substance abuse. The number one reason is that their children violated their trust or expectations by not sharing core beliefs or values that were fundamental to them. When looked at in that light, it's no wonder we rattle our brains against the cages. We can't betray our core values. They define us. We can't not love our children. They define us too. So how do we reconcile such a conflict? I guess all we can do it examine where we stand emotionally and find a path we can live with, based on our values. I don't want to hijack your thread with my update, but I am going through some similar feelings so I will share. In brief: After son submerged his car and didn't let us know he was all right, I told Hubs I'm done. (How strange...just a quiet realization that I don't want to do this anymore. I always thought if I ever reached this point, it would come with a big catharsis.) I told Hubs that while I will always hope son will find his way, my main concern was no longer son's welfare (how strange and sad to say). My concern is Hubs's welfare if he must bear this burden alone. Hubs said he understood and agreed with my decision; he just wasn't ready to take that step yet. In the past 2 weeks, son left rehab, went on a meth binge and called Hubs because police were there to arrest him. Hubs called my son's rehab buddy and they raced to his hotel. No cops, just son sitting on a bench outside, hallucinating, with a bunch of drug buddies in his room. Hubs cleared them out of the room, cleared the drugs and paraphernalia out of the room, and took him back to rehab, still saucer-eyed and hallucinating. Surprisingly, they took him back. Son left rehab the next day, called Hubs 2 days later on another binge, hallucinating, saying someone was in his room trying to kill him. Hubs called me at work, in a panic, and said he can't deal with this anymore. I told him to Baker Act son if he was a danger to himself, otherwise walk away. When I got home from work that night, Hubs looked 100 years old. I told him I thought if he doesn't find a way to stop, he's going to die for son, and it won't do son one bit of good. I begged him to consider limiting son's contact unless and until son finds his way back to us. When son checked himself out of the hospital after less than a day, he called Hubs to say rehab won't take him back a third time and asked for some help getting transportation for a supposed job offer. Hubs told him he's done, we're done, we're not doing this anymore. He doesn't want any contact until son has at least 6 months of sobriety under his belt. I don't know if it will do any good, but my point to the story is that Hubs looks so much happier, he feels happier, he has his power back. I'm absolutely not saying that no contact is the answer for everyone, but the body doesn't lie. It's right for us, for right now. And I think that's all we can do...find what's right for us, right now. I wanted to add, that's why I don't spend as much time here lately. I find that I need to keep my distance from all of this right now. Maybe as time goes on I can gain some perspective. For right now, I must keep it in the background or I am too easily swept away. [/QUOTE]
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