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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 740121" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>OK. I am feeling pretty smart this minute and I will attempt to answer. Cocky she is. My block will be knocked off next minute.</p><p>Just stop. And this is how you stop. You change the channel. The channel you (we) are on is a loser channel. It is like you found <em>a show on</em> the <em><u><strong>CNN headline news of disaster, adult-child related disaster.</strong></u></em> There is no remedy. There is no answer. There is no getting out of the rut ON THAT CHANNEL. You have to change the dial. Remember when TV's had dials? Change the dial. This show is called <em>Mother Bashing Extravaganza: How crazy can she be? </em>We compete.</p><p></p><p>Oh. I'm back to focusing. How to change the channel? My spiritual director, who is a rabbi taught me. She will actually interrupt me and make me stop the incessant tirade of disaster movies or self-abuse.</p><p></p><p>I actually get breathless and begin hyper-ventilating, but that has not happened for a while.</p><p></p><p>So. This is what she tells me to do. I obey her. When I do I feel better.</p><p></p><p>The Rabbi is speaking to you:</p><p></p><p>Find contact to a surface. Like the bed, the floor, etc. Lay down. Let your body feel supported. Find as much contact with the surface as you can. Rest into it. Feel supported. Listen to your breath. Keep listening. In and out. Slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out. Slowly. In and out. (I think this practice kind of knocks you out.) I find that all of the (whack job) mental activity leaves by itself. It may be that when I get nuts I deprive myself of oxygen. I kind of believe that. I think I may work myself into a panic attack.</p><p></p><p>And with that the channel usually changes. Other people mediate.</p><p></p><p>Any which way you can. Just change the channel. There is only continuing agony on that channel. You are not crazy. It is a crazy-making channel.</p><p></p><p>I think we go to that channel to feel connection with them. It is a paradox. Because we end up losing ourselves if we go there.</p><p></p><p>I think we cannot feel connection with them through normal means because it is too scary for us. Because we are so afraid. They are so out there. We feel FOG. And so to feel connected to them we go to the crazy making channel. Poor us.</p><p></p><p>Let me just comment briefly on your queries. I know you know they are not very much tethered to reality. But there is a kernel of truth in each of them. Each of your queries is a Valentine I think. As are mine.</p><p></p><p>We know this is true: The reality right now is that our sons are out there. They are not meeting girls, let alone getting married. There are no children in the making. (Great sadness for me). My son, at least, has had not one iota of a desire to ask for forgiveness, for anything. <em> But I WISH this was so.</em></p><p></p><p>This is the reality that we would hope for (wives, babies, holidays, forgiveness and reconciliation). To head-on think of these hopes and dreams would make us feel horrible. Because there is no reality to them, and we know it. So we would feel incredibly sad. It is an instance of cognitive dissonance. We love them. We fear for them. We are angry at them. We have no control. We connect with them by distorting our incompatible thoughts.</p><p></p><p>We want connection. We need connection. We yearn for connection. We cannot have it. Not now. We turn on the crazy making channel, for connection. (You may even sub-consciously want hubs to be talking to son behind your back, who knows.)</p><p></p><p>About the other stuff: Son knows why he can't come to Thanksgiving. The issue is not Thanksgiving. The issue is Valentine's day. It is love.</p><p></p><p>M told me: His sister saw my son J in a violent yelling match on a major street where she had a store. There is no walking that knowledge back. No Thanksgivings for my son with M's family, who I do not like by the way. So there.</p><p></p><p>He withheld this info from me for a couple of years. So M is probably talking to your son behind your back, too. Who cares? The only thing that matters here is you. That you change the channel.</p><p></p><p>You are on the CRAZY-MAKING channel. (By now you may have changed the channel.) I was there too, and could easily go back. That is why I am here with you. And probably, why you are here for me. Because we are in the same club. We love our sons and there is not one thing in the world we can do to make them safe, or let them come home.</p><p></p><p>This is too horrible to even type. And worse we cannot manifest our love and fear directly. It's too painful and crazy making. So we turn to the crazy making channel. But posting is better.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 740121, member: 18958"] OK. I am feeling pretty smart this minute and I will attempt to answer. Cocky she is. My block will be knocked off next minute. Just stop. And this is how you stop. You change the channel. The channel you (we) are on is a loser channel. It is like you found [I]a show on[/I] the [I][U][B]CNN headline news of disaster, adult-child related disaster.[/B][/U][/I] There is no remedy. There is no answer. There is no getting out of the rut ON THAT CHANNEL. You have to change the dial. Remember when TV's had dials? Change the dial. This show is called [I]Mother Bashing Extravaganza: How crazy can she be? [/I]We compete. Oh. I'm back to focusing. How to change the channel? My spiritual director, who is a rabbi taught me. She will actually interrupt me and make me stop the incessant tirade of disaster movies or self-abuse. I actually get breathless and begin hyper-ventilating, but that has not happened for a while. So. This is what she tells me to do. I obey her. When I do I feel better. The Rabbi is speaking to you: Find contact to a surface. Like the bed, the floor, etc. Lay down. Let your body feel supported. Find as much contact with the surface as you can. Rest into it. Feel supported. Listen to your breath. Keep listening. In and out. Slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out. Slowly. In and out. (I think this practice kind of knocks you out.) I find that all of the (whack job) mental activity leaves by itself. It may be that when I get nuts I deprive myself of oxygen. I kind of believe that. I think I may work myself into a panic attack. And with that the channel usually changes. Other people mediate. Any which way you can. Just change the channel. There is only continuing agony on that channel. You are not crazy. It is a crazy-making channel. I think we go to that channel to feel connection with them. It is a paradox. Because we end up losing ourselves if we go there. I think we cannot feel connection with them through normal means because it is too scary for us. Because we are so afraid. They are so out there. We feel FOG. And so to feel connected to them we go to the crazy making channel. Poor us. Let me just comment briefly on your queries. I know you know they are not very much tethered to reality. But there is a kernel of truth in each of them. Each of your queries is a Valentine I think. As are mine. We know this is true: The reality right now is that our sons are out there. They are not meeting girls, let alone getting married. There are no children in the making. (Great sadness for me). My son, at least, has had not one iota of a desire to ask for forgiveness, for anything. [I] But I WISH this was so.[/I] This is the reality that we would hope for (wives, babies, holidays, forgiveness and reconciliation). To head-on think of these hopes and dreams would make us feel horrible. Because there is no reality to them, and we know it. So we would feel incredibly sad. It is an instance of cognitive dissonance. We love them. We fear for them. We are angry at them. We have no control. We connect with them by distorting our incompatible thoughts. We want connection. We need connection. We yearn for connection. We cannot have it. Not now. We turn on the crazy making channel, for connection. (You may even sub-consciously want hubs to be talking to son behind your back, who knows.) About the other stuff: Son knows why he can't come to Thanksgiving. The issue is not Thanksgiving. The issue is Valentine's day. It is love. M told me: His sister saw my son J in a violent yelling match on a major street where she had a store. There is no walking that knowledge back. No Thanksgivings for my son with M's family, who I do not like by the way. So there. He withheld this info from me for a couple of years. So M is probably talking to your son behind your back, too. Who cares? The only thing that matters here is you. That you change the channel. You are on the CRAZY-MAKING channel. (By now you may have changed the channel.) I was there too, and could easily go back. That is why I am here with you. And probably, why you are here for me. Because we are in the same club. We love our sons and there is not one thing in the world we can do to make them safe, or let them come home. This is too horrible to even type. And worse we cannot manifest our love and fear directly. It's too painful and crazy making. So we turn to the crazy making channel. But posting is better. [/QUOTE]
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