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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 740306" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Copa dear,</p><p>I have seen you on this site for the last 3 years, and taken to heart much of what you have shared (to me, to others, and to yourself). You kindly were one of the very first to respond the first day to my initial post seeking wisdom and guidance from PE. In your first post to me, you stated</p><p></p><p>You saw this truth 3 years ago, and you know it is still true today.</p><p>In the time I’ve "known" you on the site, I have seen you waver with the “winds and waves” of change and heartache (we all do this to an extent). But these “ups and downs” are our problem (not Difficult Child’s problem – DCs don’t care how or why we waver and don’t want to know).</p><p></p><p>At this time, you are at a low, but know that <em>you are going to be alright</em>. You know of and have used the resources in the "tool box" to help … (if and when you <u>want</u> to). Sometimes, if truth be known, we just don’t want to pull ourselves up for a while, and we want to focus on and sink in our despair. We want to stay "involved" and stay "attached." It does not work. It takes effort to pull our own selves up again, when we are ready. You'll get there.</p><p></p><p>From following along with this current post and your texting exchange with J, it seems evident that:</p><p></p><p>· J does not want to / is not ready to change, and does not want to reciprocate a positive relationship at this moment. You are wise, and know this is so …. but you want it to be different … <em>You want it to be “your” way</em>.</p><p></p><p>· You also recognize that your fear and guilt about J is very much about how your own sense of personal identity and sense of your own value is tied up with thinking you must (and can) make a difference with J. You know you cannot … but you do <u>not</u> <u>want</u> to accept that.</p><p></p><p>· You express that you have faith, you have hope, … but you want to have faith and hope <em>on your terms</em>. You do not want to let J (and all he represents to you) go ... you don’t want to trust the process.</p><p></p><p>I have previously shared the “<em>mantra</em>” below, that is helpful to me. I’ll post it again, as it came to mind and seems to fit here.</p><p></p><p>· Stop trying to fix someone else’s problems</p><p>· Stop trying to encourage change in someone who doesn’t want to change.</p><p>· Stop giving repeated chances to someone who abuses/takes advantage of forgiveness and support.</p><p>· Stop trusting nice-sounding words (often lies) while ignoring/tolerating destructive actions.</p><p>· Stop giving my strength and effort toward a relationship that isn’t reciprocated.</p><p></p><p>Copa, I do not mean to be hard in these comments. You already know the truth of what’s happening. I hesitated to post because I thought you may take it as unsupportive, but I want you to know I’m following you, and holding you high in thoughts. I love you, sister.</p><p><strong><em></em></strong></p><p><strong><em>You are going to be alright</em></strong>. Bless, Kalahou</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 740306, member: 19617"] Copa dear, I have seen you on this site for the last 3 years, and taken to heart much of what you have shared (to me, to others, and to yourself). You kindly were one of the very first to respond the first day to my initial post seeking wisdom and guidance from PE. In your first post to me, you stated You saw this truth 3 years ago, and you know it is still true today. In the time I’ve "known" you on the site, I have seen you waver with the “winds and waves” of change and heartache (we all do this to an extent). But these “ups and downs” are our problem (not Difficult Child’s problem – DCs don’t care how or why we waver and don’t want to know). At this time, you are at a low, but know that [I]you are going to be alright[/I]. You know of and have used the resources in the "tool box" to help … (if and when you [U]want[/U] to). Sometimes, if truth be known, we just don’t want to pull ourselves up for a while, and we want to focus on and sink in our despair. We want to stay "involved" and stay "attached." It does not work. It takes effort to pull our own selves up again, when we are ready. You'll get there. From following along with this current post and your texting exchange with J, it seems evident that: · J does not want to / is not ready to change, and does not want to reciprocate a positive relationship at this moment. You are wise, and know this is so …. but you want it to be different … [I]You want it to be “your” way[/I]. · You also recognize that your fear and guilt about J is very much about how your own sense of personal identity and sense of your own value is tied up with thinking you must (and can) make a difference with J. You know you cannot … but you do [U]not[/U] [U]want[/U] to accept that. · You express that you have faith, you have hope, … but you want to have faith and hope [I]on your terms[/I]. You do not want to let J (and all he represents to you) go ... you don’t want to trust the process. I have previously shared the “[I]mantra[/I]” below, that is helpful to me. I’ll post it again, as it came to mind and seems to fit here. · Stop trying to fix someone else’s problems · Stop trying to encourage change in someone who doesn’t want to change. · Stop giving repeated chances to someone who abuses/takes advantage of forgiveness and support. · Stop trusting nice-sounding words (often lies) while ignoring/tolerating destructive actions. · Stop giving my strength and effort toward a relationship that isn’t reciprocated. Copa, I do not mean to be hard in these comments. You already know the truth of what’s happening. I hesitated to post because I thought you may take it as unsupportive, but I want you to know I’m following you, and holding you high in thoughts. I love you, sister. [B][I] You are going to be alright[/I][/B]. Bless, Kalahou [/QUOTE]
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