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I need to be tied to the mast.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 740845" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My child is capable of great empathy. I have seen it on his face. I remember when my mother was declining. I could see the pain on his face. He felt pain for me.</p><p></p><p>Last week I wrote to him that Stella had kidney disease. He loves this cat. Not a word. No response.</p><p></p><p>Which is to say, I agree with you.</p><p></p><p>He must be haunted right now. Which is the most painful of all to face. He must have no safe place. No place to hide. He has said as much. Can you imagine how that feels? To have to imagine your child haunted? Like those dogs that are lost and run and run on the street, too afraid to accept help, or food? Just running and running.</p><p></p><p>How could he see me and my needs if he is in this place?</p><p></p><p>However painful this is, it is good to face it. Just as there was no place for me to stand when he was here--there is no place for me to stand--with him away. This is between him and himself. I keep typing that and not fully accepting it.</p><p></p><p>There is no place for me right now in this story. Except to sit with it.</p><p></p><p>At least I am sleeping. I am taking the pills that cause dementia. Oh well.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, people.</p><p></p><p>You know it helps to think about Swot's Bart. Because he is not mine I can see that he does not <em>intend</em> to hurt his mother and destroy her life. But he seems indifferent to how his conduct affects her. Whether this is a preference, a personal style, a deliberate targeting or an incapacity I do not know. Just as I am unsure of why or how come my son acts as he does.</p><p></p><p>But by seeing this through Bart, I can see that the why of it is neither here nor there. We have to matter to us, independent of them. It keeps coming back to that.</p><p></p><p>There has to be a way to live where we can stay above water, and not constantly treading water, as we live. There has to be islands or safe ships (I want to go on a freighter cruise) that we find for us. Independent of them. I know all of this. I just wish the pain would go away.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 740845, member: 18958"] My child is capable of great empathy. I have seen it on his face. I remember when my mother was declining. I could see the pain on his face. He felt pain for me. Last week I wrote to him that Stella had kidney disease. He loves this cat. Not a word. No response. Which is to say, I agree with you. He must be haunted right now. Which is the most painful of all to face. He must have no safe place. No place to hide. He has said as much. Can you imagine how that feels? To have to imagine your child haunted? Like those dogs that are lost and run and run on the street, too afraid to accept help, or food? Just running and running. How could he see me and my needs if he is in this place? However painful this is, it is good to face it. Just as there was no place for me to stand when he was here--there is no place for me to stand--with him away. This is between him and himself. I keep typing that and not fully accepting it. There is no place for me right now in this story. Except to sit with it. At least I am sleeping. I am taking the pills that cause dementia. Oh well. Thank you, people. You know it helps to think about Swot's Bart. Because he is not mine I can see that he does not [I]intend[/I] to hurt his mother and destroy her life. But he seems indifferent to how his conduct affects her. Whether this is a preference, a personal style, a deliberate targeting or an incapacity I do not know. Just as I am unsure of why or how come my son acts as he does. But by seeing this through Bart, I can see that the why of it is neither here nor there. We have to matter to us, independent of them. It keeps coming back to that. There has to be a way to live where we can stay above water, and not constantly treading water, as we live. There has to be islands or safe ships (I want to go on a freighter cruise) that we find for us. Independent of them. I know all of this. I just wish the pain would go away. [/QUOTE]
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