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I need to be tied to the mast.
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 741341" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Oh Copa. I am so sorry for your sadness. </p><p></p><p>If you did go into the city, would you even know where to find him? Do you have an idea where he stays? What would you do if you found him? Do you want to talk to him, or just see him from a distance? Do you think it would make you feel better?</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I think I would be better if we lived in pioneer days and could only get letters that took weeks or months to arrive. Because we would be released of expectation that we are going to hear from them. I imagine pioneer age mamas whose sons went west had to just get used to going about their days and living their lives without knowing where their sons were, whether they were ok, or when they were going to hear from them again. Sometimes I imagine mine are far away across the prairie with no means of communication rather than 40 minutes away in the city with cell phones in their pockets. Because I can only go about my life when I release myself of both expectation and responsibility. </p><p></p><p>I haven’t heard from C or S in I guess about 3 weeks now. They know the bank is closed so there is no reason to call. I have texted a couple times with no response. Their phones may be off - they both use prepaid burner phones and frequently run out of minutes and data. I’m not sure if S is still with the coke dealer or not. I don’t know if C found another place to live or if he is sleeping on the streets tonight. It is cold out tonight. </p><p></p><p>They are 40 minutes down the road, but it may as well be a three month journey by covered wagon away. They are living in another world, and I cannot follow them there. Even if I did, it would do no good - they don’t want to make the journey back with me. </p><p></p><p>J is on his journey too. You have left the door open and a candle in the window if he wants to come back. He knows that. You have not abandoned him. </p><p></p><p>I can only avoid sinking down into the pit if I keep moving. Work. Chores. Exercise. We went out and saw a show tonight. It may sometimes feel like just going through the motions but the more active I stay the better I feel. I just can’t allow my mind to keep dwelling on all the potential disasters or trying to figure out the whys behind the lives they have chosen. </p><p></p><p>Would seeking him out really make you feel better, or just keep you stuck in despair?</p><p></p><p>Is it time to change the channel?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 741341, member: 23349"] Oh Copa. I am so sorry for your sadness. If you did go into the city, would you even know where to find him? Do you have an idea where he stays? What would you do if you found him? Do you want to talk to him, or just see him from a distance? Do you think it would make you feel better? Sometimes I think I would be better if we lived in pioneer days and could only get letters that took weeks or months to arrive. Because we would be released of expectation that we are going to hear from them. I imagine pioneer age mamas whose sons went west had to just get used to going about their days and living their lives without knowing where their sons were, whether they were ok, or when they were going to hear from them again. Sometimes I imagine mine are far away across the prairie with no means of communication rather than 40 minutes away in the city with cell phones in their pockets. Because I can only go about my life when I release myself of both expectation and responsibility. I haven’t heard from C or S in I guess about 3 weeks now. They know the bank is closed so there is no reason to call. I have texted a couple times with no response. Their phones may be off - they both use prepaid burner phones and frequently run out of minutes and data. I’m not sure if S is still with the coke dealer or not. I don’t know if C found another place to live or if he is sleeping on the streets tonight. It is cold out tonight. They are 40 minutes down the road, but it may as well be a three month journey by covered wagon away. They are living in another world, and I cannot follow them there. Even if I did, it would do no good - they don’t want to make the journey back with me. J is on his journey too. You have left the door open and a candle in the window if he wants to come back. He knows that. You have not abandoned him. I can only avoid sinking down into the pit if I keep moving. Work. Chores. Exercise. We went out and saw a show tonight. It may sometimes feel like just going through the motions but the more active I stay the better I feel. I just can’t allow my mind to keep dwelling on all the potential disasters or trying to figure out the whys behind the lives they have chosen. Would seeking him out really make you feel better, or just keep you stuck in despair? Is it time to change the channel? [/QUOTE]
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