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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 741347" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Copa. You cannot put self care last. When our responsibilities for others start to stack up, that is exactly when we have to keep ourselves strong. It's not selfish. It's necessary. How can we help anyone else if we are not strong? </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That makes me sad, and it needs to change. I know caring for parents is time consuming and limits your ability to get away. But I hope you can find a way to at least get into the city more often, or go walk in a nearby park, or even just plan a special dinner and night at home. Something to shake you out of your dreary routine. And then perhaps the routine won't seem so dreary. Exercise and eating well are also really important right now. And do you have others in your life you could go see a movie with, or catch up with over coffee? A spouse or partner can't always fulfill 100% of our needs. Going out with a friend may really help right now. (Says the woman who almost never leaves her house. But even I recognize that it's not healthy for R and I to only have each other, and I need to get out of my routine and see other people every once in a while.) </p><p></p><p>Most of all, I hope you can escape the feeling that you should be "doing something" for J, or that you are responsible for the choices he is making right now. He DOES have options. The fact that he doesn't want to conform his behavior to take advantage of those options is not your fault. </p><p></p><p>Are you familiar with the Buddhist concept of "the second arrow"? The idea is that pain in life is inevitable, but our response to that pain is a choice. The first arrow is what life does to you - acts from other people, natural disasters, financial loss, the death of a loved one. It hurts. But the second arrow is what we do to ourselves. Our emotional reaction and our interpretation. J's refusal to talk to you right now is the first arrow. This is a fact that you do not have control over. The second arrow is your interpretation of it - thinking it means he no longer loves you, or that you were a bad mother, or that you are responsible for his choices and behaviors, or that something worse is bound to happen next. The second arrow is OPTIONAL SUFFERING. You can choose to stop shooting yourself with projections, interpretations, and predictions. </p><p></p><p>(This is also the essence of what I have taken away from CBT therapy, which I have found VERY useful - more useful than traditional psychotherapy for me. Learning to control our emotions by controlling our thinking, and eliminating bad habits of thought.) </p><p></p><p>You are not inside J's head. You don't know why is making the choices he is making, or what they have to do with you, if anything. You cannot predict what the future will bring. You can't change the past, and can't know whether the changes you wish you could make would make things better, worse or have no impact at all. You don't know. So release yourself from wondering. Acknowledge the fact of the first arrow, and the pain of it, but don't shoot yourself with the second. </p><p></p><p>This is something I am still working on myself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 741347, member: 23349"] Copa. You cannot put self care last. When our responsibilities for others start to stack up, that is exactly when we have to keep ourselves strong. It's not selfish. It's necessary. How can we help anyone else if we are not strong? That makes me sad, and it needs to change. I know caring for parents is time consuming and limits your ability to get away. But I hope you can find a way to at least get into the city more often, or go walk in a nearby park, or even just plan a special dinner and night at home. Something to shake you out of your dreary routine. And then perhaps the routine won't seem so dreary. Exercise and eating well are also really important right now. And do you have others in your life you could go see a movie with, or catch up with over coffee? A spouse or partner can't always fulfill 100% of our needs. Going out with a friend may really help right now. (Says the woman who almost never leaves her house. But even I recognize that it's not healthy for R and I to only have each other, and I need to get out of my routine and see other people every once in a while.) Most of all, I hope you can escape the feeling that you should be "doing something" for J, or that you are responsible for the choices he is making right now. He DOES have options. The fact that he doesn't want to conform his behavior to take advantage of those options is not your fault. Are you familiar with the Buddhist concept of "the second arrow"? The idea is that pain in life is inevitable, but our response to that pain is a choice. The first arrow is what life does to you - acts from other people, natural disasters, financial loss, the death of a loved one. It hurts. But the second arrow is what we do to ourselves. Our emotional reaction and our interpretation. J's refusal to talk to you right now is the first arrow. This is a fact that you do not have control over. The second arrow is your interpretation of it - thinking it means he no longer loves you, or that you were a bad mother, or that you are responsible for his choices and behaviors, or that something worse is bound to happen next. The second arrow is OPTIONAL SUFFERING. You can choose to stop shooting yourself with projections, interpretations, and predictions. (This is also the essence of what I have taken away from CBT therapy, which I have found VERY useful - more useful than traditional psychotherapy for me. Learning to control our emotions by controlling our thinking, and eliminating bad habits of thought.) You are not inside J's head. You don't know why is making the choices he is making, or what they have to do with you, if anything. You cannot predict what the future will bring. You can't change the past, and can't know whether the changes you wish you could make would make things better, worse or have no impact at all. You don't know. So release yourself from wondering. Acknowledge the fact of the first arrow, and the pain of it, but don't shoot yourself with the second. This is something I am still working on myself. [/QUOTE]
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