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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742061" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think I might but I do not know if M could and up to this point, we have had a united fruit (I mean front.) That was a Freudian slip but I like it so I left it in.</p><p></p><p>My son resisted paying rent. He paid like $1000 in 2 years, and I paid utilities. When we got firm he said, "I'm short. I can only pay xx." (We know why he was short. He acted like us wanting money was base on our part. )And then when we balked he started to plot how he could get tenants rights and force us to evict him. There is a fundamental misunderstanding of responsibility and reciprocity. Or a desire to misunderstand.</p><p></p><p>I will talk to M about the marijuana. I think M's idea about having him drug test every day is a recipe for implosion. Mine. But I think it is wrong to put M in a position he can't handle. M has a brother who was a sniffer. He destroyed his brain and is psychotic now and completely dependent. M is afraid. While M understands marijuana is different, to him it is not that different.</p><p></p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I could see his coming back to the other house, and I could see that I would limit how much contact I have with him. But how to deal with how he does not clean, leaves trash around. He is very clean with his person. He is not clean or orderly with his environment. In fact, he is filthy. And if J does not keep the place clean, it falls on M to clean up after him, or we pay somebody. This is not fair.</span></p><p></p><p>The question I have is this: is it not<em> enabling</em> him to let him live with his drugs, not working? If he is mentally ill, and prone to mood swings and anxiety does this change things? Is it <em>support</em> in this situation? I do not want to deny my son support. But I do not want to enable. I do not know the difference in my situation. And it seems nobody else can agree either. People either view us as enablers, or as withholding support.</p><p></p><p>Meanwhile, I will talk to M and see where he stands and wait for my son to contact me.</p><p></p><p>PS He has gone downhill "supported" by me. He used to be a health nut. Now he eats snacks. (Part of this is that he had no good cooking facilities because we let him stay in the apartment before the kitchen was functional.)</p><p></p><p>I can see a scenario where we rent him a room that he would share with one or other people. Maybe this might make him more accountable and call upon him to rise to the occasion.</p><p></p><p>I am really leaning towards the conditions again. I want him to go to some sort of therapy. That seems as important or more than the pot. I mean, people are required to go to anger management as a condition of keeping a job or out of jail. Is it wrong to set as a condition that he go to bodywork or therapy?</p><p>TL. But what do I do?</p><p></p><p>I cannot even figure out what is harder on me. Well. I know that. It was easier for me when he was close and housed and I could avoid him when I wanted. But what happened is that he was the one in charge deciding what he would or would not do. And when we asserted ourselves, he resisted. And that is how we ended up here. When nobody ceded (ie us) it ended up with the police called multiple times, and him squatting, and then homeless for 4 months.</p><p></p><p>The expectation was that he might help himself. But I also set the limit because I know THERE ARE limits in life, and I can't be part of my son not living without limits.</p><p></p><p>Except this: as far as I know he has never been arrested, used hard drugs or hurt anybody. These are limits. He is living by basic limits.</p><p></p><p>I worry about M. M's life is founded upon work. M will never accept that J do nothing.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742061, member: 18958"] I think I might but I do not know if M could and up to this point, we have had a united fruit (I mean front.) That was a Freudian slip but I like it so I left it in. My son resisted paying rent. He paid like $1000 in 2 years, and I paid utilities. When we got firm he said, "I'm short. I can only pay xx." (We know why he was short. He acted like us wanting money was base on our part. )And then when we balked he started to plot how he could get tenants rights and force us to evict him. There is a fundamental misunderstanding of responsibility and reciprocity. Or a desire to misunderstand. I will talk to M about the marijuana. I think M's idea about having him drug test every day is a recipe for implosion. Mine. But I think it is wrong to put M in a position he can't handle. M has a brother who was a sniffer. He destroyed his brain and is psychotic now and completely dependent. M is afraid. While M understands marijuana is different, to him it is not that different. [LEFT][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]I could see his coming back to the other house, and I could see that I would limit how much contact I have with him. But how to deal with how he does not clean, leaves trash around. He is very clean with his person. He is not clean or orderly with his environment. In fact, he is filthy. And if J does not keep the place clean, it falls on M to clean up after him, or we pay somebody. This is not fair.[/COLOR][/LEFT] The question I have is this: is it not[I] enabling[/I] him to let him live with his drugs, not working? If he is mentally ill, and prone to mood swings and anxiety does this change things? Is it [I]support[/I] in this situation? I do not want to deny my son support. But I do not want to enable. I do not know the difference in my situation. And it seems nobody else can agree either. People either view us as enablers, or as withholding support. Meanwhile, I will talk to M and see where he stands and wait for my son to contact me. PS He has gone downhill "supported" by me. He used to be a health nut. Now he eats snacks. (Part of this is that he had no good cooking facilities because we let him stay in the apartment before the kitchen was functional.) I can see a scenario where we rent him a room that he would share with one or other people. Maybe this might make him more accountable and call upon him to rise to the occasion. I am really leaning towards the conditions again. I want him to go to some sort of therapy. That seems as important or more than the pot. I mean, people are required to go to anger management as a condition of keeping a job or out of jail. Is it wrong to set as a condition that he go to bodywork or therapy? TL. But what do I do? I cannot even figure out what is harder on me. Well. I know that. It was easier for me when he was close and housed and I could avoid him when I wanted. But what happened is that he was the one in charge deciding what he would or would not do. And when we asserted ourselves, he resisted. And that is how we ended up here. When nobody ceded (ie us) it ended up with the police called multiple times, and him squatting, and then homeless for 4 months. The expectation was that he might help himself. But I also set the limit because I know THERE ARE limits in life, and I can't be part of my son not living without limits. Except this: as far as I know he has never been arrested, used hard drugs or hurt anybody. These are limits. He is living by basic limits. I worry about M. M's life is founded upon work. M will never accept that J do nothing. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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