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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742095" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>But are you? I’m not entirely sure accepting the pot means accepting the rest. Perhaps it would help to try to separate the behaviors you actually object to - not paying rent, ring irresponsible with money, etc - from the pot smoking in your mind. Because there are people - my neighbors for example - who are regular pot smokers and still live productive lives. Whether that’s possible for our kids or not, I don’t actually know. But if C were to step up with holding down a job, taking care of himself, I think I would have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy on the pot. I don’t actually care whether or not he’s smoking it. I care about whether he is able to manage life. </p><p></p><p>Now it’s possible that the pot is itself a problem keeping them from managing life. Actually, for C alcohol is the main problem. So yes, I want him to give up drinking and smoking. But I still find it useful to focus more on the end result I want to see in terms of behaviors. If he were sober but still unable to keep a job and still on the streets I would not be happy. </p><p></p><p>I agree that making M - or you - a jailer in charge of drug testing is a recipe for disaster. But if you are considering letting him stay at the house, maybe focus instead on the behaviors and outcomes you need to see, regardless of whether he is smoking or not. Even drawing it up in a written lease that he signs, just as you would with any other tenant. $xx rent due by the x of each month. Late fees. Expectations for maintenance. Maybe even make it a stipulation that he gives you control over or access to his money in a shared account, so rent comes out first. Clear eviction process if he does not comply. </p><p></p><p>If he refuses to meet those standards, in my mind he cannot stay, regardless of whether he is smoking or not. And that is a choice HE would be making. If he chooses to remain homeless rather than follow reasonable rules - rules he would need to follow for any other form of accommodation - than he had himself decided. You are not withholding support or leaving him without options. </p><p></p><p>And ultimately you are absolutely right when you say he is responsible for him. If you choose not to even hold out the possibility of him coming back with clear guidelines, I understand that, too. You know best what the potential outcomes are likely to be. I fully support whatever decision you make.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742095, member: 23349"] But are you? I’m not entirely sure accepting the pot means accepting the rest. Perhaps it would help to try to separate the behaviors you actually object to - not paying rent, ring irresponsible with money, etc - from the pot smoking in your mind. Because there are people - my neighbors for example - who are regular pot smokers and still live productive lives. Whether that’s possible for our kids or not, I don’t actually know. But if C were to step up with holding down a job, taking care of himself, I think I would have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy on the pot. I don’t actually care whether or not he’s smoking it. I care about whether he is able to manage life. Now it’s possible that the pot is itself a problem keeping them from managing life. Actually, for C alcohol is the main problem. So yes, I want him to give up drinking and smoking. But I still find it useful to focus more on the end result I want to see in terms of behaviors. If he were sober but still unable to keep a job and still on the streets I would not be happy. I agree that making M - or you - a jailer in charge of drug testing is a recipe for disaster. But if you are considering letting him stay at the house, maybe focus instead on the behaviors and outcomes you need to see, regardless of whether he is smoking or not. Even drawing it up in a written lease that he signs, just as you would with any other tenant. $xx rent due by the x of each month. Late fees. Expectations for maintenance. Maybe even make it a stipulation that he gives you control over or access to his money in a shared account, so rent comes out first. Clear eviction process if he does not comply. If he refuses to meet those standards, in my mind he cannot stay, regardless of whether he is smoking or not. And that is a choice HE would be making. If he chooses to remain homeless rather than follow reasonable rules - rules he would need to follow for any other form of accommodation - than he had himself decided. You are not withholding support or leaving him without options. And ultimately you are absolutely right when you say he is responsible for him. If you choose not to even hold out the possibility of him coming back with clear guidelines, I understand that, too. You know best what the potential outcomes are likely to be. I fully support whatever decision you make. [/QUOTE]
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