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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 742098" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>Copa...I haven't chimed in for a time because I really haven't known what to say.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Absolutely 100% agree with this.</p><p></p><p>Regarding M - I tend to agree with SWOT, but more importantly, while it is important that you and M agree on the big things, you do not have to agree on everything. Jabber is our son's father in every way that counts. We met when he was 4 and he adopted him when he was 7. He's the only father our son has ever known. We've always tried to be united in our parenting. BUT, parenting an adult is not the same. An example: Money. When son was homeless, and even sometimes when he wasn't, I'm much freer with money. Jabber was against giving him a penny, ever. That might have been best, but it caused problems 1) Our money is as much mine as his and 2) I should not have to ask permission of my husband, like some submissive housewife to do anything! Certainly not to give something to my child! We eventually agreed to a dollar amount, under which I would just do or not do as I pleased and I could tell Jabber or not.</p><p></p><p>You and M are together, but your son is an adult. You are not parenting anymore. Which brings me to this:</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Not sure I agree 100% with this statement - but isn't that what we're looking for here? That he is responsible for him?</p><p></p><p>Copa, If you keep doing what you've always done, you can't expect a different outcome. You've rented to him before. Did it work? You've tried the drug testing? Did it work?</p><p></p><p>Your son is an adult. Do you think I like that mine moved 2 states away so he could live where pot was legal instead of just stopping, settling down here and getting an apartment and a job and new friends? Of course not. But, he seems to be able, so far, to handle adulting + pot. Many people do. He acknowledges that he can't work a lot of places because they drug test...but he is working around that.</p><p></p><p>I'm hazy on the details but several people have mentioned that pot is legal where you are. Also, doesn't J have a prescription? For that matter, J has SSI, right? You may have to simply accept he will never hold much of a job. A LOT of people on SSI just live off that and state subsidies. It's not much, but they get by.</p><p></p><p>I guess what I'm saying is, after thinking quite a while about this, I only see two options:</p><p></p><p>1) treat him like any other tenant. If you're going to offer him the rental, then do it without strings. It's one thing to say, "You can live there if you like but the rent is $ and I expect to receive it. I will be treating you like any other renter. You keep it clean enough to be sanitary and pay the rent, or I'll evict you." But unless you'd put "maintain a job and don't smoke and take drug tests" on any other renter...don't do it to him.</p><p></p><p>2) advertise and rent out that place and make some money on it, and then you don't have the option of offering it to him anymore and you can stop thinking about doing that! Let him know you love him and otherwise, let him live his own life. You want to give him a hand now and then, that is your business.</p><p></p><p>I suppose there is a 3 - You could tell him he can have the apartment <u>IF</u> and list the conditions...but he has to accept them all and DO IT or you have to be ready to toss him out, which has happened before of course. He may not accept, so you may just keep suffering as you are now. I hate that for you. My own boy is not J. He's not got a chronic disease or a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) or anything wrong with him and I know that I suffered quite a while before I accepted how things are. I still do at times. When we went to visit and he was unemployed it put a pall over the whole thing because I just knew the money thing would start.(It didn't really, though I did give him $40 for a bill.) I sometimes really get worried his girlfriend will get tired of his crap and will break up with him and he'll be on the streets and we'll be back to square one. So I at least know what it's like to worry...But I really, really, don't see that you have many choices here. As you said, he really IS responsible for him.</p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/group-hug.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":group-hug:" title="group hug :group-hug:" data-shortname=":group-hug:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 742098, member: 17309"] Copa...I haven't chimed in for a time because I really haven't known what to say. Absolutely 100% agree with this. Regarding M - I tend to agree with SWOT, but more importantly, while it is important that you and M agree on the big things, you do not have to agree on everything. Jabber is our son's father in every way that counts. We met when he was 4 and he adopted him when he was 7. He's the only father our son has ever known. We've always tried to be united in our parenting. BUT, parenting an adult is not the same. An example: Money. When son was homeless, and even sometimes when he wasn't, I'm much freer with money. Jabber was against giving him a penny, ever. That might have been best, but it caused problems 1) Our money is as much mine as his and 2) I should not have to ask permission of my husband, like some submissive housewife to do anything! Certainly not to give something to my child! We eventually agreed to a dollar amount, under which I would just do or not do as I pleased and I could tell Jabber or not. You and M are together, but your son is an adult. You are not parenting anymore. Which brings me to this: Not sure I agree 100% with this statement - but isn't that what we're looking for here? That he is responsible for him? Copa, If you keep doing what you've always done, you can't expect a different outcome. You've rented to him before. Did it work? You've tried the drug testing? Did it work? Your son is an adult. Do you think I like that mine moved 2 states away so he could live where pot was legal instead of just stopping, settling down here and getting an apartment and a job and new friends? Of course not. But, he seems to be able, so far, to handle adulting + pot. Many people do. He acknowledges that he can't work a lot of places because they drug test...but he is working around that. I'm hazy on the details but several people have mentioned that pot is legal where you are. Also, doesn't J have a prescription? For that matter, J has SSI, right? You may have to simply accept he will never hold much of a job. A LOT of people on SSI just live off that and state subsidies. It's not much, but they get by. I guess what I'm saying is, after thinking quite a while about this, I only see two options: 1) treat him like any other tenant. If you're going to offer him the rental, then do it without strings. It's one thing to say, "You can live there if you like but the rent is $ and I expect to receive it. I will be treating you like any other renter. You keep it clean enough to be sanitary and pay the rent, or I'll evict you." But unless you'd put "maintain a job and don't smoke and take drug tests" on any other renter...don't do it to him. 2) advertise and rent out that place and make some money on it, and then you don't have the option of offering it to him anymore and you can stop thinking about doing that! Let him know you love him and otherwise, let him live his own life. You want to give him a hand now and then, that is your business. I suppose there is a 3 - You could tell him he can have the apartment [U]IF[/U] and list the conditions...but he has to accept them all and DO IT or you have to be ready to toss him out, which has happened before of course. He may not accept, so you may just keep suffering as you are now. I hate that for you. My own boy is not J. He's not got a chronic disease or a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) or anything wrong with him and I know that I suffered quite a while before I accepted how things are. I still do at times. When we went to visit and he was unemployed it put a pall over the whole thing because I just knew the money thing would start.(It didn't really, though I did give him $40 for a bill.) I sometimes really get worried his girlfriend will get tired of his crap and will break up with him and he'll be on the streets and we'll be back to square one. So I at least know what it's like to worry...But I really, really, don't see that you have many choices here. As you said, he really IS responsible for him. :group-hug: [/QUOTE]
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