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I need to be tied to the mast.
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742120" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>I like the idea of collecting and saving money for him. Though i don’t know I would tell him - if he knows it exists and he sees it as his money, it’s going to become a point of contention between you. </p><p></p><p>To me, the point of collecting rent is not for you but for him. To get him used to showing responsibility, paying his own way, taking care of himself. I see it as training wheels for life. </p><p></p><p>If I were able to have S or C live with me, I would make them pay some form of rent for this reason. And I would save it for them. I would not tell them, but present it as a gift when I felt there was a point they were ready to use it - for deposit and rent on an apartment of their own, a down payment on a house, a car, a cross country move, anything they wanted as long as I felt they were responsible enough not to blow it on drugs. If I told them I was saving it, I know we would fight about it. Because why am I collecting rent if I don’t need it? Why am I holding their money? Why can’t I just give it to them now? I can’t have them live with me with where they are in life right now anyway, but I’ve thought about this plan many times. </p><p></p><p>I think the reason that the thought of renting out the house to someone else gives you a feeling of relief is because then it would not be sitting there empty as a point of contention between you, with J mad that you aren’t giving it to him free and You guilty for not doing so. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps one way forward would be to prepare the house for rental and check into market rates in your area and do all the things you would need to do to rent it out, just short of putting an ad up. And then tell him you are planning to rent it out, for money, but if he is interested in living there you will rent it to him for half the market rate. Give him the stipulations, let him decide, have him sign a contract like any other renter if he wants to move forward. Don’t try to put controls on him that you wouldn’t put on a renter you weren’t related to, but don’t accept less either. You would need a mechanism in place to ensure rent would be collected on time, and you would have to be prepared to evict him if it doesn’t work. And if he’s not prepared to live within these stipulations, go ahead and rent it out to someone else, guilt free. Additional money coming in never hurts. And then the house is no longer an option for you to fight about. </p><p></p><p>It’s really none of his business whether you ‘need’ the rental money or not. The house is your asset, you are allowed to profit from it. You can say we’ve decided to rent it out, we need the money from it. I am careful never to talk about my financial situation with my kids, because if they know I have ‘extra’ money (like my emergency fund) then somehow they are entitled to it and I am selfish for not giving it to them. So if they ask for money I don’t want to give, I just say sorry, can’t do that. As far as they know I live as close to the edge as their dad does. It cuts down on arguments. </p><p></p><p>If having him in the house is mostly for your peace of mind, then forget all this, and just let him stay there. But if it were me, I would want to use it as an opportunity to develop some basic life skills. Someday he will have to figure out how to make a life for himself without you. No one else is going to let him live rent free and responsibility free. He has got to get the idea out of his head that his entire SSI check is play money, and you or the world owe him everything else he needs for survival. </p><p></p><p>But I know you’ve been down that path before, and it didn’t work, so maybe it’s not reasonable to expect that it would this time. Letting him stay with no expectations would feel like enabling to me. I think I would have to say no, that doesn’t work, if you don’t like our stipulations here are some other places you can go that will help you get off the street when you’re ready. And then I would rent the house out to someone else to take it off the table.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742120, member: 23349"] I like the idea of collecting and saving money for him. Though i don’t know I would tell him - if he knows it exists and he sees it as his money, it’s going to become a point of contention between you. To me, the point of collecting rent is not for you but for him. To get him used to showing responsibility, paying his own way, taking care of himself. I see it as training wheels for life. If I were able to have S or C live with me, I would make them pay some form of rent for this reason. And I would save it for them. I would not tell them, but present it as a gift when I felt there was a point they were ready to use it - for deposit and rent on an apartment of their own, a down payment on a house, a car, a cross country move, anything they wanted as long as I felt they were responsible enough not to blow it on drugs. If I told them I was saving it, I know we would fight about it. Because why am I collecting rent if I don’t need it? Why am I holding their money? Why can’t I just give it to them now? I can’t have them live with me with where they are in life right now anyway, but I’ve thought about this plan many times. I think the reason that the thought of renting out the house to someone else gives you a feeling of relief is because then it would not be sitting there empty as a point of contention between you, with J mad that you aren’t giving it to him free and You guilty for not doing so. Perhaps one way forward would be to prepare the house for rental and check into market rates in your area and do all the things you would need to do to rent it out, just short of putting an ad up. And then tell him you are planning to rent it out, for money, but if he is interested in living there you will rent it to him for half the market rate. Give him the stipulations, let him decide, have him sign a contract like any other renter if he wants to move forward. Don’t try to put controls on him that you wouldn’t put on a renter you weren’t related to, but don’t accept less either. You would need a mechanism in place to ensure rent would be collected on time, and you would have to be prepared to evict him if it doesn’t work. And if he’s not prepared to live within these stipulations, go ahead and rent it out to someone else, guilt free. Additional money coming in never hurts. And then the house is no longer an option for you to fight about. It’s really none of his business whether you ‘need’ the rental money or not. The house is your asset, you are allowed to profit from it. You can say we’ve decided to rent it out, we need the money from it. I am careful never to talk about my financial situation with my kids, because if they know I have ‘extra’ money (like my emergency fund) then somehow they are entitled to it and I am selfish for not giving it to them. So if they ask for money I don’t want to give, I just say sorry, can’t do that. As far as they know I live as close to the edge as their dad does. It cuts down on arguments. If having him in the house is mostly for your peace of mind, then forget all this, and just let him stay there. But if it were me, I would want to use it as an opportunity to develop some basic life skills. Someday he will have to figure out how to make a life for himself without you. No one else is going to let him live rent free and responsibility free. He has got to get the idea out of his head that his entire SSI check is play money, and you or the world owe him everything else he needs for survival. But I know you’ve been down that path before, and it didn’t work, so maybe it’s not reasonable to expect that it would this time. Letting him stay with no expectations would feel like enabling to me. I think I would have to say no, that doesn’t work, if you don’t like our stipulations here are some other places you can go that will help you get off the street when you’re ready. And then I would rent the house out to someone else to take it off the table. [/QUOTE]
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