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I need to be tied to the mast.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742137" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I will divide this into sections. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Part 1 is asking my son to do stuff (and what stands in the way.):</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I do not know how I could. I mean, I have told him, hundreds of times. That has been a major cornerstone of MY CONDITIONS the past two years. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">As far as I know he has not worked at all in the metro. He used to work sporadically when he was there. As a concrete laborer. His friend has a landscape concrete business and he connected him up with a couple of other contractors. But either my son is not interested in working at all or they are no longer interested in him. He is strong but distractible and without a work ethic. But the thing is he was highly advantageous for employers with limited English to have around because he has near-native fluency in Portuguese and Spanish, and is quite presentable, despite all of his issues, (and the constantly worn hoodie). So what I am trying to say is he has worked hard NOT to have work. He can work. He is able to work. He does not want to conform to work. It is not a priority.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">As far as services, SWOT, to get him to follow through is like herding cats. He drives me crazy. He will not do it. This is something that does not interest him.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Yes. This is true. I think it is mental illness. Anxiety and I think he would say it is his balding. That until his hair grows back he cannot do x, y, and z. He hangs onto the receding hairline for all it is worth. It is his organizing principle and his defense. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">The body dysmorphic disorder began after the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). I pushed and pushed and pushed that he get rehabilitation. I pushed that he get trauma therapy, after he was attacked. I pushed that he see the liver doctor and adhere to treatment. He will not do it. He is not interested.</span></p><p></p><p>Part 2 is what I have to accept (and can't):</p><p></p><p>I have to accept that my son is mentally ill. I have to accept that he is entitled not to work. I have to accept that he does not have to volunteer or go to school. Right or wrong the government gives him money so that he does not have to do these things, and it is his right to do nothing, if that is his choice.</p><p></p><p>I can't accept that my son does not get medical treatment for his liver. Because he will get very ill and die, quite possibly in my lifespan. If he will not get treatment and verify his compliance I do not want him in the property no matter what.</p><p></p><p>Part 3, about my priorities: </p><p></p><p>My highest priority is that he live and that he be healthy. (See above.)</p><p></p><p>My highest priority is NOT my tranquility. It is my peace of mind. In retrospect, throwing him out of the apartment was traumatic FOR ME. I could not bear doing it. While my son set this into motion by not wanting to pay half of the rent, after he had not paid rent for two years...I could not bear throwing him out.</p><p></p><p>The other way to look at this is that I had to do it. I could not permit him to keep not paying. It is not real life and I had to look at myself in the mirror. This boundary had to be set and kept.</p><p></p><p>Every single struggle with him was about trying to impose a boundary and he resisted. If I stay away from him, he is pretty much OK. He goes about his business. Which is smoking pot and talking to people, shopping and going to movies. He has a lot of support in the community. People care about him. He does not look for trouble or make trouble. He is a good neighbor. The other neighbors rely on him as a positive presence. All of the trouble (cops, fighting) has come when I pushed him out or pushed against him.</p><p></p><p>It is clear that being pushed by either M or I, leads to conflict.</p><p>This is the bottom line. SWOT. I really do hear you about doing what will give me comfort and peace. To let go. But the thing is I think that any problem not confronted now...will present itself worse later. And my peace of mind is to a large extent contingent upon my ability to believe that I have prepared him for my death. He will have nobody except M, if M outlives me, and we are still together. I would say that fifty percent of my agony is fear of dying, that he will not protect himself or I would not have adequately protected him. Having not anticipated the right thing to do and having not done the right thing by him.</p><p></p><p>Part 4 is a plan:</p><p></p><p>If I was a smarter person I could find a structure--where I am out of it. Where he has supports and oversight and accountability, but it is not from M or me.</p><p></p><p>I have to accept, too, he would go homeless again next summer to the large Metro where he prefers the weather, and prefers the culture.</p><p></p><p>So. In some sense he is living both the life that is comfortable and the life that is desirable for him, given his limitations. He has two homes. A winter home and a summer home(less).</p><p></p><p>When I type that I realize again that SWOT is right. This is really 80 percent about me. That is why this has never worked. He is NOT all that miserable in his life. He does not see any of<u> my machinations</u> as HAVING TO DO WITH HIM. To him they are impositions. They are extraneous. They are bothers. Stopping marijuana. Productivity. Involvement. School. Treatment. Completely peripheral to him; he never bought in.</p><p></p><p>In some sense he is living his life as he chooses. Now M thinks this is ridiculous when I say this. He says: <em>J is alive. He is not living.</em> But M equates living with work and responsibility to a greater extent than most people. And my son does neither. But I agree. I have to get M peripheral to this.</p><p>I agree wholeheartedly with this. I think we will be done with the house in two months. That could be my time parameter.</p><p>I bought the house specifically for J. It has a house and a detached 2 bedroom apartment. The idea was always to rent the larger house as a means to pay expenses and get some income--and that my son live in the apartment while paying rent, perhaps sharing with another person. The dream was that someday if my son had a wife and family, they could live in the house. My son knows I bought the house for his use. He feels entitled and a sense of ownership. But not any sense of responsibility.</p><p>Yes. I think one huge failing on my part is that I was the accountable party. I identified goals and while I thought I was holding him accountable, it was to objectives I had identified. And he could nominally say, yes, and then resist. </p><p></p><p>You see he feels that he is accountable to his life. But his sphere of accountability is very attenuated. He is accountable to his appetites, his moods, his whims. To him bills and responsibilities are to be avoided. He does not feel responsible.</p><p></p><p>I have no control over that. But I can insist he is accountable for the property. Now here is an idea. I could get a property manager and have them deal with both the property and the tenants, including my son. They could evict. M would be out of it. I would be out of it.</p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I like the idea of UP FRONT setting up a structure. I have long thought about going to the bookkeeper at my CPA (they know me well and for years, and they know the story) to put all of my bills on a program to feel there is order in my financial affairs. What about insisting my son is on the same kind of system? Not a payee, but a structure and a system of accountability. His rent would be paid directly from his SSI account in some way, and he would have developed a budget and be accountable to it. This would be overseen by the bookkeeper with whom he would be in relationship and I would not be involved. He would have to understand that if he chose to discontinue the automatic payment of rent on the first of the month, that the agreement between us would be cancelled. Kind of like late payments with a credit card. Another condition would be that he changed his address to the apartment. And he would have to keep the place clean. </span></p><p></p><p>I would want him to share the space with another person. So he would be renting a room, not the entire place. I would have the whole property with a "no drugs" policy, which would encompass marijuana.</p><p style="text-align: left"></p><p>He would have to go to the doctor, be treated and to verify that. I don't care if I would not apply the same condition to other renters. He is my son and I am his mother.</p><p></p><p>There is a real beauty to this way of thinking. I would be expecting him to do things that would benefit him when I die. Working with somebody to organize his spending and to pay his bills. Working with somebody to manage the property. Dealing with his health. There would not be demands that have to do with me.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, people. What do you think?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742137, member: 18958"] [LEFT][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]I will divide this into sections. Part 1 is asking my son to do stuff (and what stands in the way.): I do not know how I could. I mean, I have told him, hundreds of times. That has been a major cornerstone of MY CONDITIONS the past two years. As far as I know he has not worked at all in the metro. He used to work sporadically when he was there. As a concrete laborer. His friend has a landscape concrete business and he connected him up with a couple of other contractors. But either my son is not interested in working at all or they are no longer interested in him. He is strong but distractible and without a work ethic. But the thing is he was highly advantageous for employers with limited English to have around because he has near-native fluency in Portuguese and Spanish, and is quite presentable, despite all of his issues, (and the constantly worn hoodie). So what I am trying to say is he has worked hard NOT to have work. He can work. He is able to work. He does not want to conform to work. It is not a priority. As far as services, SWOT, to get him to follow through is like herding cats. He drives me crazy. He will not do it. This is something that does not interest him. Yes. This is true. I think it is mental illness. Anxiety and I think he would say it is his balding. That until his hair grows back he cannot do x, y, and z. He hangs onto the receding hairline for all it is worth. It is his organizing principle and his defense. The body dysmorphic disorder began after the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). I pushed and pushed and pushed that he get rehabilitation. I pushed that he get trauma therapy, after he was attacked. I pushed that he see the liver doctor and adhere to treatment. He will not do it. He is not interested.[/COLOR][/LEFT] Part 2 is what I have to accept (and can't): I have to accept that my son is mentally ill. I have to accept that he is entitled not to work. I have to accept that he does not have to volunteer or go to school. Right or wrong the government gives him money so that he does not have to do these things, and it is his right to do nothing, if that is his choice. I can't accept that my son does not get medical treatment for his liver. Because he will get very ill and die, quite possibly in my lifespan. If he will not get treatment and verify his compliance I do not want him in the property no matter what. Part 3, about my priorities: My highest priority is that he live and that he be healthy. (See above.) My highest priority is NOT my tranquility. It is my peace of mind. In retrospect, throwing him out of the apartment was traumatic FOR ME. I could not bear doing it. While my son set this into motion by not wanting to pay half of the rent, after he had not paid rent for two years...I could not bear throwing him out. The other way to look at this is that I had to do it. I could not permit him to keep not paying. It is not real life and I had to look at myself in the mirror. This boundary had to be set and kept. Every single struggle with him was about trying to impose a boundary and he resisted. If I stay away from him, he is pretty much OK. He goes about his business. Which is smoking pot and talking to people, shopping and going to movies. He has a lot of support in the community. People care about him. He does not look for trouble or make trouble. He is a good neighbor. The other neighbors rely on him as a positive presence. All of the trouble (cops, fighting) has come when I pushed him out or pushed against him. It is clear that being pushed by either M or I, leads to conflict. This is the bottom line. SWOT. I really do hear you about doing what will give me comfort and peace. To let go. But the thing is I think that any problem not confronted now...will present itself worse later. And my peace of mind is to a large extent contingent upon my ability to believe that I have prepared him for my death. He will have nobody except M, if M outlives me, and we are still together. I would say that fifty percent of my agony is fear of dying, that he will not protect himself or I would not have adequately protected him. Having not anticipated the right thing to do and having not done the right thing by him. Part 4 is a plan: If I was a smarter person I could find a structure--where I am out of it. Where he has supports and oversight and accountability, but it is not from M or me. I have to accept, too, he would go homeless again next summer to the large Metro where he prefers the weather, and prefers the culture. So. In some sense he is living both the life that is comfortable and the life that is desirable for him, given his limitations. He has two homes. A winter home and a summer home(less). When I type that I realize again that SWOT is right. This is really 80 percent about me. That is why this has never worked. He is NOT all that miserable in his life. He does not see any of[U] my machinations[/U] as HAVING TO DO WITH HIM. To him they are impositions. They are extraneous. They are bothers. Stopping marijuana. Productivity. Involvement. School. Treatment. Completely peripheral to him; he never bought in. In some sense he is living his life as he chooses. Now M thinks this is ridiculous when I say this. He says: [I]J is alive. He is not living.[/I] But M equates living with work and responsibility to a greater extent than most people. And my son does neither. But I agree. I have to get M peripheral to this. I agree wholeheartedly with this. I think we will be done with the house in two months. That could be my time parameter. I bought the house specifically for J. It has a house and a detached 2 bedroom apartment. The idea was always to rent the larger house as a means to pay expenses and get some income--and that my son live in the apartment while paying rent, perhaps sharing with another person. The dream was that someday if my son had a wife and family, they could live in the house. My son knows I bought the house for his use. He feels entitled and a sense of ownership. But not any sense of responsibility. Yes. I think one huge failing on my part is that I was the accountable party. I identified goals and while I thought I was holding him accountable, it was to objectives I had identified. And he could nominally say, yes, and then resist. You see he feels that he is accountable to his life. But his sphere of accountability is very attenuated. He is accountable to his appetites, his moods, his whims. To him bills and responsibilities are to be avoided. He does not feel responsible. I have no control over that. But I can insist he is accountable for the property. Now here is an idea. I could get a property manager and have them deal with both the property and the tenants, including my son. They could evict. M would be out of it. I would be out of it. [LEFT][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]I like the idea of UP FRONT setting up a structure. I have long thought about going to the bookkeeper at my CPA (they know me well and for years, and they know the story) to put all of my bills on a program to feel there is order in my financial affairs. What about insisting my son is on the same kind of system? Not a payee, but a structure and a system of accountability. His rent would be paid directly from his SSI account in some way, and he would have developed a budget and be accountable to it. This would be overseen by the bookkeeper with whom he would be in relationship and I would not be involved. He would have to understand that if he chose to discontinue the automatic payment of rent on the first of the month, that the agreement between us would be cancelled. Kind of like late payments with a credit card. Another condition would be that he changed his address to the apartment. And he would have to keep the place clean. [/COLOR][/LEFT] I would want him to share the space with another person. So he would be renting a room, not the entire place. I would have the whole property with a "no drugs" policy, which would encompass marijuana. [LEFT][/LEFT] He would have to go to the doctor, be treated and to verify that. I don't care if I would not apply the same condition to other renters. He is my son and I am his mother. There is a real beauty to this way of thinking. I would be expecting him to do things that would benefit him when I die. Working with somebody to organize his spending and to pay his bills. Working with somebody to manage the property. Dealing with his health. There would not be demands that have to do with me. Thank you, people. What do you think? [/QUOTE]
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