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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742155" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Thank you SWOT and Elsi.</span></span></p><p>SWOT. He was born in the USA. In the same city I was born in.</p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">He did this. He looked great. His symptoms overtook this strategy.</span></span></p><p></p><p>I just told M that I want J to come back. (Although my son has not called me.) I called his friend again yesterday and left a message. There are forms of treatment now, body-based, that are not mobilized or constrained by what the client says. I know because I am doing it. It is physical. The principle is that the body holds trauma, and then behavior is circumscribed by patterns that are non-functional or limited.</p><p>So. I told M and now we are fighting. He was not mad, initially. His response was: <em>you change your mind. You change your mind all of the time.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>And that galled me. How is this about changing my mind? I have a child who is living on the street. We kicked him out 7 years ago. He is 10 times worse.<em> </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Making him suffer is not helping. It is making it worse. You have the hypothesis, if he faces the winter and suffers, he could learn. I am not willing to try that plan. I know that now. Your kids, do you want them living in the street? </em></p><p></p><p>M:<em> So J doesn't have to change at all? </em></p><p></p><p><em>I am not saying that. I am saying that for me to keep doing the same thing that does not work, only gets worse, is wrong. I am talking about changing me. If it ends up that our relationship cannot tolerate this so be it, but I do not want to insist that he live outside for the winter, to make him change. Because there is no reason to believe that it will work. Suffering has not motivated him.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>M: <em>You won't let me talk. I can't voice my opinion. You just want to talk, and that I should listen.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>S: <em>It is how you talk. You make me defend myself. Think about the position I am in. Why is it right that you make me defend myself? This is not kind.</em></p><p></p><p><em>I understand that you feel all of this is my fault. Well. I am the same person I have always been. But more vulnerable and less able to deal with this in the way that you believe would be effective. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>But basically there we are. There is no other Copa. And I do not want to insist that my child be in the street. I cannot take it. I want to find a way to go forward.</em></p><p></p><p>How could I defend my position? Why should I defend my position? I am tearing up. M is a hard ass and he thinks he is right. I wish I was that way.</p><p></p><p>I think if J calls me I will suggest that I travel to where he is or we can meet halfway and that we sit down in a restaurant to talk about the situation. I will go alone. That is if and when he calls.</p><p></p><p>____</p><p></p><p>These are my current baseline thoughts:</p><p></p><p>Medical treatment. (SWOT. There are people that do not get ill from the Hep B. It is dormant in their bodies. Like Goneboy, they carry it. But J's is active.)</p><p></p><p>Some psychological/somatic treatment.</p><p></p><p>A neuropsychiatric exam.</p><p></p><p>Automatic payment of rent.</p><p></p><p>A housecleaner (or some other alternative).</p><p></p><p>____</p><p>Nobody is mentioning my no-drug policy. I think each of you has suggested I let the marijuana go. I don't know what to do. This is M's absolute priority. </p><p></p><p>J's friend H's father hates the marijuana, too. That is why J had to stop living there. H uses the marijuana away from the house, and does not bring it home. My son lived this way when he lived with them. I do not know where they stored the marijuana, but they worked it out. Is this unrealistic?</p><p>____</p><p></p><p>I feel some sense of peace today. My son would not participate at all. He promised and promised and promised he would do the above things. He is responsible for his choices. He was the one that refused to pay rent. He said it was because he had unanticipated costs (he had not returned a movie, so they charged him. <em>Did I cause this? No</em>.) <em>And two years of unanticipated costs, so that he could no pay rent? No.</em></p><p></p><p>And I feel at acceptance (this moment) about M. If our relationship ends, so be it. I will deal.</p><p></p><p>Please opine again on the marijuana. I am grateful for your counsel. Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742155, member: 18958"] [LEFT][FONT=trebuchet ms][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]Thank you SWOT and Elsi.[/COLOR][/FONT][/LEFT] SWOT. He was born in the USA. In the same city I was born in. [LEFT][FONT=trebuchet ms][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]He did this. He looked great. His symptoms overtook this strategy.[/COLOR][/FONT][/LEFT] I just told M that I want J to come back. (Although my son has not called me.) I called his friend again yesterday and left a message. There are forms of treatment now, body-based, that are not mobilized or constrained by what the client says. I know because I am doing it. It is physical. The principle is that the body holds trauma, and then behavior is circumscribed by patterns that are non-functional or limited. So. I told M and now we are fighting. He was not mad, initially. His response was: [I]you change your mind. You change your mind all of the time. [/I] And that galled me. How is this about changing my mind? I have a child who is living on the street. We kicked him out 7 years ago. He is 10 times worse.[I] Making him suffer is not helping. It is making it worse. You have the hypothesis, if he faces the winter and suffers, he could learn. I am not willing to try that plan. I know that now. Your kids, do you want them living in the street? [/I] M:[I] So J doesn't have to change at all? [/I] [I]I am not saying that. I am saying that for me to keep doing the same thing that does not work, only gets worse, is wrong. I am talking about changing me. If it ends up that our relationship cannot tolerate this so be it, but I do not want to insist that he live outside for the winter, to make him change. Because there is no reason to believe that it will work. Suffering has not motivated him. [/I] M: [I]You won't let me talk. I can't voice my opinion. You just want to talk, and that I should listen. [/I] S: [I]It is how you talk. You make me defend myself. Think about the position I am in. Why is it right that you make me defend myself? This is not kind.[/I] [I]I understand that you feel all of this is my fault. Well. I am the same person I have always been. But more vulnerable and less able to deal with this in the way that you believe would be effective. But basically there we are. There is no other Copa. And I do not want to insist that my child be in the street. I cannot take it. I want to find a way to go forward.[/I] How could I defend my position? Why should I defend my position? I am tearing up. M is a hard ass and he thinks he is right. I wish I was that way. I think if J calls me I will suggest that I travel to where he is or we can meet halfway and that we sit down in a restaurant to talk about the situation. I will go alone. That is if and when he calls. ____ These are my current baseline thoughts: Medical treatment. (SWOT. There are people that do not get ill from the Hep B. It is dormant in their bodies. Like Goneboy, they carry it. But J's is active.) Some psychological/somatic treatment. A neuropsychiatric exam. Automatic payment of rent. A housecleaner (or some other alternative). ____ Nobody is mentioning my no-drug policy. I think each of you has suggested I let the marijuana go. I don't know what to do. This is M's absolute priority. J's friend H's father hates the marijuana, too. That is why J had to stop living there. H uses the marijuana away from the house, and does not bring it home. My son lived this way when he lived with them. I do not know where they stored the marijuana, but they worked it out. Is this unrealistic? ____ I feel some sense of peace today. My son would not participate at all. He promised and promised and promised he would do the above things. He is responsible for his choices. He was the one that refused to pay rent. He said it was because he had unanticipated costs (he had not returned a movie, so they charged him. [I]Did I cause this? No[/I].) [I]And two years of unanticipated costs, so that he could no pay rent? No.[/I] And I feel at acceptance (this moment) about M. If our relationship ends, so be it. I will deal. Please opine again on the marijuana. I am grateful for your counsel. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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