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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742158" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Copa, on the marijuana I will say I do not find it useful to create rules that I know in advance I have no way to enforce. You can have a no drug policy at the house for all tenants if you wish, but I would not get into the business of daily enforcement. It would only be something you could pull out as something to use for eviction if it came to it. Outside of that, it just seems to me to be needless conflict to put this rule in place you know he will not follow. I would focus instead on the end results. I want you to take care of yourself and the property. I want you to be financially responsible. It may be the case that he can’t do those things without giving up the weed, but that’s a separate conversation and a conclusion he will have to come to himself.</p><p></p><p>Again, I’ll say if C gives up drinking and weed but is still living on the streets, too belligerent or irresponsible to hold a job or get along with roommates, blowing what money he did have on movies and fast food instead of taking care of his essential needs, I would NOT be happy. If he gets to a point where he is holding down a job, paying rent on time and maintaining an apartment, taking care of himself, and staying out of trouble but is still drinking socially and smoking the occasional joint I will consider those things none of my business. I may hold the belief that the one is not possible without the other. That is MY belief. But C’s journey to the end result - a safe and stable life - will have to be his own. </p><p></p><p></p><p>I agree with SWOT that the decision you make here should be YOUR decision. M has input where things directly effect him - his effort, his finances, his comfort in his own home, etc. Of course you should respect his wishes when it comes to things that he is impacted by directly. But he should not have veto power in how you choose to relate to J, and the expectations you hold J to, outside of those criteria. Or how you choose to spend your own time, money or resources when it comes to J. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps you can say, I respect your input, but I have to do what I feel is right for my own child. I am not asking for your permission, and I am not asking for your help. This is what I have decided to do. It is not going to affect you, so please respect my right to make this decision. </p><p></p><p>And once the decision is made, I would just say, I am not going to discuss this any more right now. I have made my decision. </p><p></p><p>One more thing I would add - I also have a policy of not offering help that has not been asked for. J has not asked for anything yet. It’s good to be clear in your mind on what you will or won’t do. But that doesn’t mean you have to make the first move. I would let him know the door is open to talk again. But you don’t have to jump in with an offer. Let him ask first. He may surprise you. But if he’s not asking, I would say he’s not ready.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742158, member: 23349"] Copa, on the marijuana I will say I do not find it useful to create rules that I know in advance I have no way to enforce. You can have a no drug policy at the house for all tenants if you wish, but I would not get into the business of daily enforcement. It would only be something you could pull out as something to use for eviction if it came to it. Outside of that, it just seems to me to be needless conflict to put this rule in place you know he will not follow. I would focus instead on the end results. I want you to take care of yourself and the property. I want you to be financially responsible. It may be the case that he can’t do those things without giving up the weed, but that’s a separate conversation and a conclusion he will have to come to himself. Again, I’ll say if C gives up drinking and weed but is still living on the streets, too belligerent or irresponsible to hold a job or get along with roommates, blowing what money he did have on movies and fast food instead of taking care of his essential needs, I would NOT be happy. If he gets to a point where he is holding down a job, paying rent on time and maintaining an apartment, taking care of himself, and staying out of trouble but is still drinking socially and smoking the occasional joint I will consider those things none of my business. I may hold the belief that the one is not possible without the other. That is MY belief. But C’s journey to the end result - a safe and stable life - will have to be his own. I agree with SWOT that the decision you make here should be YOUR decision. M has input where things directly effect him - his effort, his finances, his comfort in his own home, etc. Of course you should respect his wishes when it comes to things that he is impacted by directly. But he should not have veto power in how you choose to relate to J, and the expectations you hold J to, outside of those criteria. Or how you choose to spend your own time, money or resources when it comes to J. Perhaps you can say, I respect your input, but I have to do what I feel is right for my own child. I am not asking for your permission, and I am not asking for your help. This is what I have decided to do. It is not going to affect you, so please respect my right to make this decision. And once the decision is made, I would just say, I am not going to discuss this any more right now. I have made my decision. One more thing I would add - I also have a policy of not offering help that has not been asked for. J has not asked for anything yet. It’s good to be clear in your mind on what you will or won’t do. But that doesn’t mean you have to make the first move. I would let him know the door is open to talk again. But you don’t have to jump in with an offer. Let him ask first. He may surprise you. But if he’s not asking, I would say he’s not ready. [/QUOTE]
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