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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742166" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you, SWOT.</p><p>SWOT. In J's case it was compounded by our discovery when he was 19 that he had the Hep B. He felt infected (he was) and abused by his birth parents. He despises them. And thereby he despises himself, for being a part of them.</p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"> We had an immediate and profound connection. The love between us was instantaneous and unquestioning. We recognized each other as mother and son in the first seconds. He spontaneously called me Mama. He did not know who I was. He recognized me. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Paradoxically, I think the strength of our connection has made this last decade so very difficult. We have had to fight to separate. Not just him, but me. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Interestingly, M and J got close first, before M and I. Each of them were drawn strongly to the other. M thought J was the most impressive young man he had met in this country. (Part of this was the language. You know how few young people bother to learn other languages. Part of it was J's manners and how articulate he is, and his social skills.) J thought M was an incredible guy. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">But as soon as M and I became a couple, BOTH they came to knock heads. The real people in them came out. J articulated he felt left out and jealous. He was able to tell me. "<em>Mom. It has always been just the two of us.</em>" I felt so guilty I could not continue the conversation, to my discredit. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">But I knew that at 20, 21 years, J and I had to pull apart. That the same intensity could not continue. I could not renounce a relationship to remain in a dyad with my son.</span></p><p>Oh. How I wish this would be so!</p><p></p><p>I was impressed that my son was willing to talk to the extent he did. And he did not ask for anything. He was the one who set the date for our meeting and he did so a week out. He seems willing and wanting to work things out.</p><p></p><p>I will not let M sabotage this. His aim is not to sabotage. His aim is to impose his views and will. And I have let him. Because I have been lost, and not known what to do.</p><p></p><p>I had always been guided by love. And when J grew up, love could not be the compass, because that very love came to be something that he had to resist. I was disoriented and lost when my love for him was an obstacle, not a solution or the main event.</p><p></p><p>I am a little bit afraid. Because of the hope. This is a step. It is not a solution. Nobody changes in a conversation. Not me. Not him. But you are right. Things turn a corner, where there is a before and an after. I will pray that such is the case.</p><p></p><p>It has been a long time since I had a conversation with my son, that reassured me to the extent that did this one.</p><p></p><p>Thank you SWOT. Very, very much.</p><p></p><p>___</p><p></p><p>I am unclear why I was ready to do this. Clearly. This could not have happened, until I was ready. I do not know what changed.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742166, member: 18958"] Thank you, SWOT. SWOT. In J's case it was compounded by our discovery when he was 19 that he had the Hep B. He felt infected (he was) and abused by his birth parents. He despises them. And thereby he despises himself, for being a part of them. [LEFT][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)] We had an immediate and profound connection. The love between us was instantaneous and unquestioning. We recognized each other as mother and son in the first seconds. He spontaneously called me Mama. He did not know who I was. He recognized me. Paradoxically, I think the strength of our connection has made this last decade so very difficult. We have had to fight to separate. Not just him, but me. Interestingly, M and J got close first, before M and I. Each of them were drawn strongly to the other. M thought J was the most impressive young man he had met in this country. (Part of this was the language. You know how few young people bother to learn other languages. Part of it was J's manners and how articulate he is, and his social skills.) J thought M was an incredible guy. But as soon as M and I became a couple, BOTH they came to knock heads. The real people in them came out. J articulated he felt left out and jealous. He was able to tell me. "[I]Mom. It has always been just the two of us.[/I]" I felt so guilty I could not continue the conversation, to my discredit. But I knew that at 20, 21 years, J and I had to pull apart. That the same intensity could not continue. I could not renounce a relationship to remain in a dyad with my son.[/COLOR][/LEFT] Oh. How I wish this would be so! I was impressed that my son was willing to talk to the extent he did. And he did not ask for anything. He was the one who set the date for our meeting and he did so a week out. He seems willing and wanting to work things out. I will not let M sabotage this. His aim is not to sabotage. His aim is to impose his views and will. And I have let him. Because I have been lost, and not known what to do. I had always been guided by love. And when J grew up, love could not be the compass, because that very love came to be something that he had to resist. I was disoriented and lost when my love for him was an obstacle, not a solution or the main event. I am a little bit afraid. Because of the hope. This is a step. It is not a solution. Nobody changes in a conversation. Not me. Not him. But you are right. Things turn a corner, where there is a before and an after. I will pray that such is the case. It has been a long time since I had a conversation with my son, that reassured me to the extent that did this one. Thank you SWOT. Very, very much. ___ I am unclear why I was ready to do this. Clearly. This could not have happened, until I was ready. I do not know what changed. [/QUOTE]
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