I think God is testing me

[Californiablonde]

I just need to vent. Sorry if it sounds like I'm whining, but seriously how many more stressful events can happen at once before I break? For quite awhile now, my bipolar has been stable. I still have the same anxiety, but my fairly new medication Luvox is helping to take the edge off so it's not as bad. Still there, but not as bad. Sooo...how much longer can I go till I start to unravel? Hopefully it will not happen. But yesterday I felt myself breaking down, just for a little bit.

It started with our Lily passing away, and life has started going down hill from there. Yes we have Sofia, and she is a sweetheart, but we still miss our Lily and no other cat will take the place of her. Then my daughter, who gave me some hope a couple of weeks ago, by finally starting to show signs of stability, has begun to unravel. She was sleeping good, which has been a battle for years, and her depression was starting to lift, after a suicide attempt in June.

We thought she was stable enough to finally start back to school. She was excited about it. She told me she really, really wants to get her diploma so she can become a vet tech and help animals like our Lily. I was excited along with her. Well now...she is in a mixed manic episode. It's painful to watch. It's like half depression and half mania going on at the same time, and it's hell. I should know. I've been through it.

Instead of sleeping 16 hours a day like she was, she is now functioning on barely any sleep. By barely, I mean staying up for more than 48 hours straight, and still having high energy and irritability and euphoria at the same time. She is talking a mile a minute, losing track of her thoughts, has really fast pressured speech, and I can't keep up with it all. At the same time, she is saying she wants to die. I now know why everybody else around me was so upset and irritated with me all those years ago when I was in a mixed episode. My daughter is exhausting me. I can't get upset at her. She can't help it.

But seriously the non stop talking, when I'm home from work and want nothing but some peace. My kids are much older now. I am used to getting just a little bit of peace. Well now my daughter talks to me non stop, and as I have learned to tune out her screaming and cussing for all of these years, I am now inadvertently blocking out all of her non stop chatter as well.

She will pause occasionally and ask if I heard what she said, and I will have to admit to her that I didn't hear her, and she gets annoyed with me. No wonder people around me couldn't stand me when I was manic. I don't see my daughter going back to school in the next few days unless we can nip this in the bud. Her next appointment isn't until the middle of next month. Ugh!

Then for the first time ever, since being a mandated reporter, I had to report my first case to CPS. I can't go into detail due to confidentiality reasons, but let's just say three other people who are above me knew about it and chose not to do anything. I had to. I'm mandated The case is pretty serious, and when I called Social Services, they thanked me for calling and told me my report was very much warranted. But it brought up a crap ton of old memories, memories that I have buried long ago, that are now starting to resurface.

My dad and his years of abuse, physically, mentally, and emotionally. At times he was downright cruel, still can be. A lot of people knew about it, and chose to do nothing. Back in the late seventies, early eightees, the motto was "What happens in this house, stays in this house." I kept waiting for somebody to come and save me, but nobody ever did.

Then my brother's rape and sexual abuse, that went on from the time I was eleven for two years, and once again, nobody did anything. My parents found out, my aunt knew, neighbor's parents knew, and nothing. Nobody wanted to see a sixteen year old kid go to jail. So I suffered. Then an adult, he tried again, but this time I stopped him. I didn't tell anybody that time. Why bother? Everybody knew years ago and chose to do nothing.

So anyway, I am not about to let this kid and his younger sibling continue to be abused and do nothing about it. Most likely his parents will get away with it, they normally do. But at least I can say I did something. Still, I have not forgotten, and now I am more emotional than normal because of bad feelings I am experiencing.

I do not need extraneous crap right now. So why am I being tested? Sheesh enough already! I am not saying this to make anybody feel sorry for me. Well, not really. I am here to vent. I cannot tell my family members, for obvious reasons, and I don't want to blast this all over social media. I don't even have any close friends I can confide to. I feel on my own. I need to focus on what I have to do, and be strong for my kids. I just hope and pray I stay strong right now, when I need to the most. Please send prayers, good thoughts, or anything my way. I know I can make it, but I don't know how far.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Yikes, CB, that is so much to deal with. Anyone would be out of sorts and upset!

You are an amazingly strong, resourceful and resilient woman. I have to acknowledge how well you are doing, under such extreme circumstances. Perhaps along with the tremendous stressors placed before you, you might also acknowledge that as each issue presented itself, you worked thru it and came out the other side. And, you accomplished all of this with all of the mental and physical issues you deal with every single day. Recognizing how well we are doing helps to bring in a new perspective. Recognize how strong you are, how courageous you are and how well you're doing under such pressure from all sides.

Personally, I think this is a time of great turmoil, chaos and fear all over the world. It ignites our own fears and uncertainties and brings them to the surface. The way I look at it is that once our fears surface, we can address them and dissipate them. When they are out of our awareness, the run the show, but once we become aware of our fears, they have no more power. You've looked at quite a number of fears lately and each time you overcame them. Now they're history.

I just went thru that with the fires up here in No. Ca. I never thought I'd lose everything to a fire.......I had to look at what was important to me, what I valued.....and although it really sucked to go thru it, I learned a lot, about myself, about what is truly important. I came out the other side changed and for the better.

I've had a similar background of abuse, it's something that's always with you, but it does diminish. And, if we're fortunate, it gives us compassion and empathy, like you showed the children that you helped by reporting their parents......now, someone knows the secrets of that family. You helped those kids. And, when the memories of our pasts emerge, I look at it as another opportunity to heal more, let go more, forgive more and recognize how strong and resilient I've become, like you.

With each event of late in your life, you've handled it, worked thru it, found options and gotten thru it. That's what to focus on, all that you've done. Sometimes life hits us between the eyes, at point blank range.....and often, that's when our best self shows up.....you've done a wonderful job CB. It is what it is. But you've risen to each occasion like the trooper you are.

Sending prayers, good thoughts and warm wishes that you get a respite and find some peace.

 

[BusynMember]

Cb, you are a brave hero for those kids. I know how inept CPS can be, but sometimes they do help. Either way you made a brave call in favor of two innocents. I am so sorry it is bringing up your own bad stuff. I will pray that you feel calmer soon.

 

[Copabanana]

cb. i agree with everything re wrote.

you should not have to bear your daughter's illness on your own. have you thought of involving a psychiatrist and residential treatment for her?

she has clear goals. she clearly wants to achieve. it sounds like going to school may have triggered her. is she on an iep?

if she went to a res tx program she might be able to accelerate her studies in a supportive environment.

what about voc rehab once she is stable. they could get her in a training program. and meanwhile she might be able to volunteer at the animal shelter.

 

[Wussenabler]

I just need to vent. Sorry if it sounds like I'm whining, but seriously how many more stressful events can happen at once before I break? For quite awhile now, my bipolar has been stable. I still have the same anxiety, but my fairly new medication Luvox is helping to take the edge off so it's not as bad. Still there, but not as bad. Sooo...how much longer can I go till I start to unravel? Hopefully it will not happen. But yesterday I felt myself breaking down, just for a little bit.

It started with our Lily passing away, and life has started going down hill from there. Yes we have Sofia, and she is a sweetheart, but we still miss our Lily and no other cat will take the place of her. Then my daughter, who gave me some hope a couple of weeks ago, by finally starting to show signs of stability, has begun to unravel. She was sleeping good, which has been a battle for years, and her depression was starting to lift, after a suicide attempt in June.

We thought she was stable enough to finally start back to school. She was excited about it. She told me she really, really wants to get her diploma so she can become a vet tech and help animals like our Lily. I was excited along with her. Well now...she is in a mixed manic episode. It's painful to watch. It's like half depression and half mania going on at the same time, and it's hell. I should know. I've been through it.

Instead of sleeping 16 hours a day like she was, she is now functioning on barely any sleep. By barely, I mean staying up for more than 48 hours straight, and still having high energy and irritability and euphoria at the same time. She is talking a mile a minute, losing track of her thoughts, has really fast pressured speech, and I can't keep up with it all. At the same time, she is saying she wants to die. I now know why everybody else around me was so upset and irritated with me all those years ago when I was in a mixed episode. My daughter is exhausting me. I can't get upset at her. She can't help it.

But seriously the non stop talking, when I'm home from work and want nothing but some peace. My kids are much older now. I am used to getting just a little bit of peace. Well now my daughter talks to me non stop, and as I have learned to tune out her screaming and cussing for all of these years, I am now inadvertently blocking out all of her non stop chatter as well.

She will pause occasionally and ask if I heard what she said, and I will have to admit to her that I didn't hear her, and she gets annoyed with me. No wonder people around me couldn't stand me when I was manic. I don't see my daughter going back to school in the next few days unless we can nip this in the bud. Her next appointment isn't until the middle of next month. Ugh!

Then for the first time ever, since being a mandated reporter, I had to report my first case to CPS. I can't go into detail due to confidentiality reasons, but let's just say three other people who are above me knew about it and chose not to do anything. I had to. I'm mandated The case is pretty serious, and when I called Social Services, they thanked me for calling and told me my report was very much warranted. But it brought up a crap ton of old memories, memories that I have buried long ago, that are now starting to resurface.

My dad and his years of abuse, physically, mentally, and emotionally. At times he was downright cruel, still can be. A lot of people knew about it, and chose to do nothing. Back in the late seventies, early eightees, the motto was "What happens in this house, stays in this house." I kept waiting for somebody to come and save me, but nobody ever did.

Then my brother's rape and sexual abuse, that went on from the time I was eleven for two years, and once again, nobody did anything. My parents found out, my aunt knew, neighbor's parents knew, and nothing. Nobody wanted to see a sixteen year old kid go to jail. So I suffered. Then an adult, he tried again, but this time I stopped him. I didn't tell anybody that time. Why bother? Everybody knew years ago and chose to do nothing.

So anyway, I am not about to let this kid and his younger sibling continue to be abused and do nothing about it. Most likely his parents will get away with it, they normally do. But at least I can say I did something. Still, I have not forgotten, and now I am more emotional than normal because of bad feelings I am experiencing.

I do not need extraneous crap right now. So why am I being tested? Sheesh enough already! I am not saying this to make anybody feel sorry for me. Well, not really. I am here to vent. I cannot tell my family members, for obvious reasons, and I don't want to blast this all over social media. I don't even have any close friends I can confide to. I feel on my own. I need to focus on what I have to do, and be strong for my kids. I just hope and pray I stay strong right now, when I need to the most. Please send prayers, good thoughts, or anything my way. I know I can make it, but I don't know how far.

 

[Wussenabler]

You are exactly where you need to be and doing exactly what you should be doing.

 

[Californiablonde]

cb. i agree with everything re wrote.

you should not have to bear your daughter's illness on your own. have you thought of involving a psychiatrist and residential treatment for her?

she has clear goals. she clearly wants to achieve. it sounds like going to school may have triggered her. is she on an iep?

if she went to a res tx program she might be able to accelerate her studies in a supportive environment.

what about voc rehab once she is stable. they could get her in a training program. and meanwhile she might be able to volunteer at the animal shelter.

She's seeing a psychiatrist but currently refusing medications. I really wish I could have put her in some sort of residential treatment when she was younger. To be honest? And I don't want to sound like I am blaming here, but I do believe a good part of some of my instability was made worse by fighting a daily battle with her for years. I wouldn't wish single parenting on anybody, especially parenting a mentally ill child. I have had no back up for the last 12 years. It's been hard. When I first starting working at my job, I remember seeing all these kids in group homes and feeling so sorry for them, and hearing all of my coworkers say how they couldn't believe that some of these parents just abandon their children, all because they are a "little" difficult. There are two sides to every story, and I always keep that in mind when I come in contact with some of these students. I see their good side. What goes on behind closed doors is a different story. I wish I knew more about some alternative living arrangements for my daughter when she was younger, if I would have even allowed myself to let her go without feeling like a terrible mother, that is. Anyway, that's neither here or there. She's an adult now, and won't go. I feel bad for saying this but sometimes she feels like a big huge burden and I will never be free of it.

 

[Californiablonde]

You are exactly where you need to be and doing exactly what you should be doing.

Thank you that helps.

 

[Copabanana]

there is a newcomer with a thread called i don't know how to help. her name is lynn34. her daughter is 18 and she is dealing with a lot of what you are.

 

[Californiablonde]

there is a newcomer with a thread called i don't know how to help. her name is lynn34. her daughter is 18 and she is dealing with a lot of what you are.

Thank you for the head's up, Copa.

 

[Californiablonde]

I am officially depressed. Been fighting off tears for days. Last night I let it out a little and cried myself to sleep, for the first time in a very long time. I don't think this has anything to do with the upcoming inspection, although that does certainly make my anxiety a bit worse. My daughter, thankfully, has made it to school two days in a row, actually gotten up even earlier than me yesterday and today, so I'm relieved about that. I am just in a depression for who knows what reason. The weather doesn't help. After our huge heat wave last week, it has become very cold, ugly, and overcast. In my neck of the woods the leaves don't change to pretty reds and oranges and yellows. The wither up and turn an ugly brown. Some years the change of seasons don't bother me. This year it does. I hate fall/winter. I want my sunny skies back again. And I want to be happy again.

 

[TerriH]

Californiablond, you rock. You really do.

It reminds me of that old saw "I prayed for strength so that I could do great things, but I was given weakness so I could do better things". You were there for this child and I salute you!
............................................................
My bipolar daughter used to like to sit next to me and watch TV while she talked. When she was not cycling it would be the odd comment and that was fine. And, I would go on line, which worked out well enough when she was not cycling but when she was cycling instead of the odd comment about the show she would do the non-stop chatter. I eventually bought those ear buds and I told her that I could not listen to the TV and the youtube at the same time, that as I was getting older it was just to much noise.

It was a little white lie, I am afraid.

Because I had ear buds in and would occasionally pull one out and say "what was that"? she believed that yarn I told her about it being the TV that was bothering me, when in reality it gave me an excuse to NOT tune into everything she said. Because sometimes I, too, needed to tune out my daughter when she was manic. And it gave me an excuse to not catch what she was saying, which worked out well because my daughter is a wee bit short tempered when she is manic, to put it mildly, and I would rather she was not mad at me.

It meant I could take a 30 minute tune-out break when I needed it. I do want to be there for her when she is manic, but I cannot tune her in all of the time.

She is better now that she is older. The teen years are hard on kids, and twice as hard on our bipolar kids, but teen years do eventually end.

 

[recoveringenabler]

How are you doing CB?
Thinking of you....

 

[Californiablonde]

Californiablond, you rock. You really do.

It reminds me of that old saw "I prayed for strength so that I could do great things, but I was given weakness so I could do better things". You were there for this child and I salute you!
............................................................
My bipolar daughter used to like to sit next to me and watch TV while she talked. When she was not cycling it would be the odd comment and that was fine. And, I would go on line, which worked out well enough when she was not cycling but when she was cycling instead of the odd comment about the show she would do the non-stop chatter. I eventually bought those ear buds and I told her that I could not listen to the TV and the youtube at the same time, that as I was getting older it was just to much noise.

It was a little white lie, I am afraid.

Because I had ear buds in and would occasionally pull one out and say "what was that"? she believed that yarn I told her about it being the TV that was bothering me, when in reality it gave me an excuse to NOT tune into everything she said. Because sometimes I, too, needed to tune out my daughter when she was manic. And it gave me an excuse to not catch what she was saying, which worked out well because my daughter is a wee bit short tempered when she is manic, to put it mildly, and I would rather she was not mad at me.

It meant I could take a 30 minute tune-out break when I needed it. I do want to be there for her when she is manic, but I cannot tune her in all of the time.

She is better now that she is older. The teen years are hard on kids, and twice as hard on our bipolar kids, but teen years do eventually end.

Thank you for your uplifting story. It's good to know it does get better.

 

[Californiablonde]

How are you doing CB?
Thinking of you....

Thank you so much for asking. I wish I could say it was better, but unfortunately it's not. Not where my daughter is concerned, anyway. Tuesday was her doctor's appointment, and she was too unstable to go. I couldn't get her out of bed, even though it was 4 in the afternoon. Thank goodness the doctor saw me anyway. He is changing her from Seroquel, which she hated and refused to take, to Risperdal for her mood. He is also prescribing Trazadone for sleep. Tuesday night she actually went to bed early, slept for about 12 hours, and I tried to get her up for school in the morning. She wouldn't get up, saying she was too tired. I figured she did need to make up for all that lack of sleep, so I let it go. Last night same thing. She slept very well only this time she actually woke up early.

I told her she needed to start getting ready for school, didn't even give her an option. She told me she was still too tired, which was BS. I went to work late today due to an appointment. My daughter was awake and alert the whole time. By the time I left the house for work at 11:00, she was still awake. There was no reason for her not to go to school today. She just didn't want to go. She was up watching shows on her laptop and doing her art. I am not calling the school to make up an excuse for her. The last week she was legitimately absent. This week she was not. I am so SICK of this.

 

[Californiablonde]

How are you doing CB?
Thinking of you....

Thank you so much for asking. I wish I could say it was better, but unfortunately it's not. Not where my daughter is concerned, anyway. Tuesday was her doctor's appointment, and she was too unstable to go. I couldn't get her out of bed, even though it was 4 in the afternoon. Thank goodness the doctor saw me anyway. He is changing her from Seroquel, which she hated and refused to take, to Risperdal for her mood. He is also prescribing Trazadone for sleep. Tuesday night she actually went to bed early, slept for about 12 hours, and I tried to get her up for school in the morning. She wouldn't get up, saying she was too tired. I figured she did need to make up for all that lack of sleep, so I let it go. Last night same thing. She slept very well only this time she actually woke up early. I told her she needed to start getting ready for school, didn't even give her an option. She told me she was still too tired, which was BS. I went to work late today. Had an appointment. She was up the whole time, not sleeping, perfectly alert.

 

[Littleboylost]

My heart goes out to you. It is incredibly challenging.

Set your boundaries and stick to your guns. Enabling the behaviour will only lead to continued or worse behaviour.

 

[Californiablonde]

It is now the weekend and she has been up for 48 hours. Right now she is doing multiple things like playing games and watching shows on her laptop, and talking a mile a minute. Just when I thought she was getting stabilized. I am emotionally exhausted.