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I think I am ready to give up on her
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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 94206" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>I hate to say it but you are in between the proverbial rock and hard spot. At 17, you're not going to get much help for her without shelling out a lot of money and most places won't take her unless she agrees to be there. I doubt you could even get her into foster care without having charges brought against you for abandonment.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean there aren't things you can do because there are. They are harsh but they may wake her up. Is she paying for her cell phone? If not, have it turned off. You bought it for your convenience so you could stay in contact with her. That is not happening so she doesn't need it. If she doesn't come home at the agreed time and doesn't bother calling she will be late, lock the doors, go to bed and don't let her in. (If she has a housekey, take it.) If you're not home, she can't get in. Reality is if she's using drugs sooner or later she will start stealing from you, so it is best she not be home alone. </p><p></p><p>You are legally required to give her food, shelter and clothing. Nothing says the clothing has to be good -- Goodwill items work just fine. Food does not have to be tasty -- vitamins and rice and some protein on occasion are okay. A bedroom doesn't have to be cute -- a mattress on the floor and a cardboard box for a dresser is okay.</p><p></p><p>I'll tolerate a lot from my daughter, but not violence. That is when I call the police -- each and every time. Like you, the police at first refused to do anything. They finally said the next time she got violent they would arrest her. Oddly, she never hit me again after that (imagine that!). So, keep calling them. Tell them you are willing to press charges. Check your state laws. You can (and should) insist that the officers obey the abuse laws of California. If nothing else, it will keep her away from drugs for a day or two and it may just get her some help before she's 18. </p><p></p><p>An almost-of-age teen who uses drugs is hard to help. They think they know all the answers and think the bad stuff won't happen to them. About the only thing you can do is force her to hit bottom and that won't happen as long as she lives at home. Let her know that when she turns 18, she will not be living at home unless she has totally changed. That is, no drugs, no violence, accepts curfew, goes to school, helps around the house. If she can't do that, force her to leave. It's not easy but it is frequently the only way to save our kids from themselves. </p><p></p><p>I was lucky that my daughter didn't get into drugs. Other than that, she was on your child's path. I did give her the choice of following the house rules or leaving. She opted to leave. She'd fail, come back, follow the rules for a bit and then start all over again. It took 3 tries but she finally got the message. The last time, I didn't let her come home the first time she asked. I finally let her come back when I truly thought she had hit her bottom (living on the streets in a cockroach, gang-infested town). That was last March. She's been a different person since she's come home. Not perfect, but definitely not the person she was.</p><p></p><p>You are not a bad mother. You are not a failure. You have done the best you could. Your daughter has made some bad choices. Hopefully, she will change. Many have. There have been kids here who ended up in jail, were heroin users and have turned themselves around. Some never quite get it. Either way, after a certain point, the responsibility has to lie with the child, not the parent. Your daughter is old enough to make her own choices. Stopping her is hard. It is up to her what happens next. Give her her choices, be prepared to watch her fall and plan what you will do when (mind you, WHEN, not if) she comes back and asks for help.</p><p></p><p>P.S.: If she's not on birth control, get her on something.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 94206, member: 3626"] I hate to say it but you are in between the proverbial rock and hard spot. At 17, you're not going to get much help for her without shelling out a lot of money and most places won't take her unless she agrees to be there. I doubt you could even get her into foster care without having charges brought against you for abandonment. That doesn't mean there aren't things you can do because there are. They are harsh but they may wake her up. Is she paying for her cell phone? If not, have it turned off. You bought it for your convenience so you could stay in contact with her. That is not happening so she doesn't need it. If she doesn't come home at the agreed time and doesn't bother calling she will be late, lock the doors, go to bed and don't let her in. (If she has a housekey, take it.) If you're not home, she can't get in. Reality is if she's using drugs sooner or later she will start stealing from you, so it is best she not be home alone. You are legally required to give her food, shelter and clothing. Nothing says the clothing has to be good -- Goodwill items work just fine. Food does not have to be tasty -- vitamins and rice and some protein on occasion are okay. A bedroom doesn't have to be cute -- a mattress on the floor and a cardboard box for a dresser is okay. I'll tolerate a lot from my daughter, but not violence. That is when I call the police -- each and every time. Like you, the police at first refused to do anything. They finally said the next time she got violent they would arrest her. Oddly, she never hit me again after that (imagine that!). So, keep calling them. Tell them you are willing to press charges. Check your state laws. You can (and should) insist that the officers obey the abuse laws of California. If nothing else, it will keep her away from drugs for a day or two and it may just get her some help before she's 18. An almost-of-age teen who uses drugs is hard to help. They think they know all the answers and think the bad stuff won't happen to them. About the only thing you can do is force her to hit bottom and that won't happen as long as she lives at home. Let her know that when she turns 18, she will not be living at home unless she has totally changed. That is, no drugs, no violence, accepts curfew, goes to school, helps around the house. If she can't do that, force her to leave. It's not easy but it is frequently the only way to save our kids from themselves. I was lucky that my daughter didn't get into drugs. Other than that, she was on your child's path. I did give her the choice of following the house rules or leaving. She opted to leave. She'd fail, come back, follow the rules for a bit and then start all over again. It took 3 tries but she finally got the message. The last time, I didn't let her come home the first time she asked. I finally let her come back when I truly thought she had hit her bottom (living on the streets in a cockroach, gang-infested town). That was last March. She's been a different person since she's come home. Not perfect, but definitely not the person she was. You are not a bad mother. You are not a failure. You have done the best you could. Your daughter has made some bad choices. Hopefully, she will change. Many have. There have been kids here who ended up in jail, were heroin users and have turned themselves around. Some never quite get it. Either way, after a certain point, the responsibility has to lie with the child, not the parent. Your daughter is old enough to make her own choices. Stopping her is hard. It is up to her what happens next. Give her her choices, be prepared to watch her fall and plan what you will do when (mind you, WHEN, not if) she comes back and asks for help. P.S.: If she's not on birth control, get her on something. [/QUOTE]
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