RN, you are so sweet. I am writing to myself too, to remind myself not to slide back to sadness and desperation. It does take work to stay on track.
My dad had a favorite quote from a Greek philosopher that sums up dealing with "it is what it is"......"Seek not to have things happen as you choose them but rather choose that they should happen as they do, and you shall live prosperously"
I think that it is so helpful to draw upon the wisdom of old to find inspiration to carry on through difficulties.
I had some troubling times with hubs many years back. I was thinking of separation and my sis was convinced I should pack up and move home. My Mom told me in a steady resolute tone "You need to stand on your own feet and be self sufficient."
That hurt and the words swirled around my head a bit like twilight zone, but it was the right thing. Mom and Dads generation were different in their thinking. Tougher. They wouldn't sacrifice themselves so readily, and knew the reality was whatever my choice was, the best thing for me was to be able to walk that walk without leaning on them. Needless to say, hubs and I worked through it.
I am thinking today about respect. We often write about our d cs not respecting us. It's true, they don't. They don't respect themselves. On drugs or dry addicts, there is a blatant lack of self control.
If we lose our self control and go into a tailspin along with them, how are they ever going to respect us? Or, themselves?
It is the hardest thing to do, to pull up and out of their drama infused lives and carry on with our heads and hearts held high. But I really do think this is a big part of recovery for them......our recovery.
When we figure out that all of the raw emotional topsy turveyness we've gone through simultaneously with their choices does nothing but hurt us (and really hurts them because we are not grounded) it is a whole new way to look at things.
There is no guarantee here, that our becoming steady state and pulling up out of the pit will help them see the light. But, it will make a big difference in our life and our response to their dilemmas. Really essential, because we won't be around forever to rescue them. They need to figure their lives out, stand on their feet, be self sufficient. Walk the walk of their choices without expectations and feelings of entitlement towards us. In order for them to do that, we need to walk that walk.
So, RN you have begun that walk by setting boundaries for your son.The goal for us, I believe, is to set boundaries for ourselves, emotional boundaries. It takes work and we are going to backslide. I can understand your being so emotionally entwined. Your son is young, and the shock and dismay of his overdose, that he would come that close to losing his life is a nightmare.
I can tell you after so many years of living on edge with this, pulling emotionally away becomes a matter of survival. It is the difference between just existing and living. It is the same for our d cs, they are on the edge with addiction, just existing. Not really living.
Living day by day helps, the end of the story is not written and there are so many variables when it comes to our d cs. Thinking months ahead is hard. Really hard. I used to think of worse case scenarios just to be prepared, but that took its toll. Looking back, at all of the heartache I went through, the distress, the emotional chaos, I see that it did not change what my d cs would choose. It still won't. So, I have to try my best to live one day at a time and not be so bound to their drama. It is too hard.
I stopped projecting outcomes and putting my peace, goals or plans on the line. It does not mean I don't love them, I do with all of my heart. I am just not willing to lose my joy over their choices. I have come to look at it as their way towards finding their purpose. Not the way I would prefer, but, I have no control of that. I hope they do find a better way, but I can't let that prevent me from trying to have a good rest of my life.
Take heart RN. You are doing the best you can with all of this. I see you making great progress. We all have to process in our own way and time. I am still working at it. You know by my postings that I have my days where the dismay of it all gets to me.
One thing hubs passing has taught me is how very short life is. I am determined to find joy and peace. I just know you will find it too.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
