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Family of Origin
Identity after realizing you have no real FOO (Family of Origin). My thoughts.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 661096" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think back to how frightened I had been to confront my FOO once I began feeling differently about them. I am not sure whether I was afraid of them...or was the fear I felt because I did not know who I would be if I were not the "nice" one. These past weeks have been an amazing exercise in changing perspective regarding FOO, in exploration of anger and naming and assigning responsibility to the perp. (That is television crime talk for "perpetrator" ~ :O) I am sure Jack Webb from Dragnet says "perp" too.)</p><p></p><p>In looking back, I admire myself for continuing to see them at all. I did not have to. I am not glad that I continued to see them; there was wasted time there because they were lying. Their motives were false from the beginning. </p><p></p><p>I still have trouble believing that. There is no other explanation that fits so perfectly into all the cracks and crevices.</p><p></p><p>Hard to believe it, though.</p><p></p><p>I wish I had known everything I know now about how they see me, and about how they see themselves, and about how hopeless it was to ever believe that could change. I suppose it doesn't really matter what I did or did not do regarding my FOO. They are who they are by choice, like all of us are. </p><p></p><p>I wish, when what happened with the kids broke and left me so freaking vulnerable, that I had remembered they (my mother and my sister, especially ~ and double that when the two of them are together instead of at one another's throats, like usual) were never to be trusted. Water under the bridge, now. I cannot change what is done.</p><p></p><p>I catch myself wishing for them, sometimes.</p><p></p><p>I remind myself of what I know, now, about who they are and what they have done. It was a good exercise for me to go exploring through the events in my remembering that I had hidden away under "Oh, that's just Mom." Or under "Oh, that's just sister." I had such a hard time believing it even as I was posting about it, but those harmful or pointlessly ugly things each has done were were very true things. Denial is a blessing in that way. I am glad I know now. I am glad I did not know, then. Losing the kids, losing that imagery I held of myself as a great mom ~ losing all that was so hard for me. I think I could not have gone psyche exploring in that time and come away healthier.</p><p></p><p>I don't see it as being someone without FOO. I see myself as someone whose FOO was deathly toxic and continues, by informed and willful choice, to choose toxic; in that choice they somehow elevate themselves in their own estimations of self. This seems so counterproductive to me that it doesn't make any sense.</p><p></p><p>Who destroys family to elevate themselves over something destroyed?</p><p></p><p>Where is the "elevation" in that?</p><p></p><p>It could be that dysfunctional families run, like rats are said to run from a sinking ship, away from the loss of status involved when the kids go the wrong way like mine did.</p><p></p><p>That could explain it.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 661096, member: 17461"] I think back to how frightened I had been to confront my FOO once I began feeling differently about them. I am not sure whether I was afraid of them...or was the fear I felt because I did not know who I would be if I were not the "nice" one. These past weeks have been an amazing exercise in changing perspective regarding FOO, in exploration of anger and naming and assigning responsibility to the perp. (That is television crime talk for "perpetrator" ~ :O) I am sure Jack Webb from Dragnet says "perp" too.) In looking back, I admire myself for continuing to see them at all. I did not have to. I am not glad that I continued to see them; there was wasted time there because they were lying. Their motives were false from the beginning. I still have trouble believing that. There is no other explanation that fits so perfectly into all the cracks and crevices. Hard to believe it, though. I wish I had known everything I know now about how they see me, and about how they see themselves, and about how hopeless it was to ever believe that could change. I suppose it doesn't really matter what I did or did not do regarding my FOO. They are who they are by choice, like all of us are. I wish, when what happened with the kids broke and left me so freaking vulnerable, that I had remembered they (my mother and my sister, especially ~ and double that when the two of them are together instead of at one another's throats, like usual) were never to be trusted. Water under the bridge, now. I cannot change what is done. I catch myself wishing for them, sometimes. I remind myself of what I know, now, about who they are and what they have done. It was a good exercise for me to go exploring through the events in my remembering that I had hidden away under "Oh, that's just Mom." Or under "Oh, that's just sister." I had such a hard time believing it even as I was posting about it, but those harmful or pointlessly ugly things each has done were were very true things. Denial is a blessing in that way. I am glad I know now. I am glad I did not know, then. Losing the kids, losing that imagery I held of myself as a great mom ~ losing all that was so hard for me. I think I could not have gone psyche exploring in that time and come away healthier. I don't see it as being someone without FOO. I see myself as someone whose FOO was deathly toxic and continues, by informed and willful choice, to choose toxic; in that choice they somehow elevate themselves in their own estimations of self. This seems so counterproductive to me that it doesn't make any sense. Who destroys family to elevate themselves over something destroyed? Where is the "elevation" in that? It could be that dysfunctional families run, like rats are said to run from a sinking ship, away from the loss of status involved when the kids go the wrong way like mine did. That could explain it. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Identity after realizing you have no real FOO (Family of Origin). My thoughts.
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