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If there is someone that would be my friend...I would be grateful.
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 659703" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>I know this is an old-ish thread, but I was feeling a bit lonely and pensive tonight, and I looked for a thread that would be thoughtful, that would be working on US more than on our Difficult Child's...and I found it here. So rich. It brought back such warm memories of key steps in my own recovery, in watching the recovery of RE, of Cedar, of COM...unfolding miraculously in front of me. What I remember is the focus of the other members on the board when that process was happening, a sort of midwifery, a protection of the emerging ..what is the term? chrysallis? or is it pupa? I like chrysallis better...</p><p></p><p>anyway, thank you for this wonderful thread.</p><p></p><p>and now, better late than never, I'll add my thoughs.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>yes, this is true IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS. Thich Nhat Hahn has a wonderful essay on this...if we insist on loving as we wish to love, what is that? It can be as simple as giving the same flowers that aren't wanted, or cooking the same meal that isn't wished for...it is a weird form of abuse cloaked as love. I have been the recipient of that, and so could recognize it right away when I read his essay...but seeing myself as the perpetuator of that was so very much harder.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>yes, of course we resented. How could we not? I am sorry sometimes that my "normal" kids know that I resented them too...but Difficult Child...yes, the martyr's role. I embraced it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My sister has a very very severely autistic son. He is nonverbal and minimally toilet trained at 23. Unfortunately, he is also SEVEN FEET TALL. And obese. She lives alone with him. No one will help care for him. Her life is consumed by him. I once managed to wrestle her away by persuading her to go to volunteer work in Chiapas with me...(I knew she wouldn't just go to a spa, some how I knew she would go somewhere scary and uncomfortable, but at least she would get away). She asked me to tell no one about her son...she wanted to be free to be just herself. We were not there for 24 hours before I overheard her explaining about him. She didn't know how to live without being his mom. She couldn't breathe that way. I remembered that always. I try to not let my breath be dependent on any one identity, although I teeter always with my children...and even, oddly with my ex (married 25 years).</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is always a good solution to that problem! Thank you, Cedar, for introducing Hallelujah to the board!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar, I borrowed your candle tradition. I believe in honoring grief. I married into a jewish family, and I think the traditions around death..the days of sitting shiva, the rent clothing, the black ribbon...they are crucial to our recovery. We honor our dead, and our losses. I love the fact that you set a place for your son, Cedar. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That was very very hard for me. I had about a year (witnessed here on the forum) when I. Hated. Him. I unleashed it all. I couldn't stand his smile. I hated what he had become. I immediately became a strident shrew when he spoke to me. It was so ugly, and yet it had to happen. It had to pass through me. I let it pass through me, Copa, and now it is gone. That is true of so much badness and sadness...let those feelings have their process, their moment in the sun. They will pass more quickly that way than if you fight them. Thich Nhat Hahn says that if we learn to suffer well we suffer less...we can allow suffering, allow it to be what it is...don't fight it. And it will pass. I promise. I know this to be true. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar I love your quotes. You forgot the one from Hamlet, which brought me so much comfort my first dark winter here....something like "for this respite, much thanks, for it is cold and I am weary of heart." or something like that. I love that quote. It made me feel so much less alone. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No comment!</p><p></p><p>Good night to all of you now, my lady pirates and friends, and those gentlemen pirates who are out there on the forum or sleeping beside those who are, and sharing the lives of Difficult Child's. Sleep well. We fight a good fight.</p><p></p><p>Hugs,</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 659703, member: 17269"] I know this is an old-ish thread, but I was feeling a bit lonely and pensive tonight, and I looked for a thread that would be thoughtful, that would be working on US more than on our Difficult Child's...and I found it here. So rich. It brought back such warm memories of key steps in my own recovery, in watching the recovery of RE, of Cedar, of COM...unfolding miraculously in front of me. What I remember is the focus of the other members on the board when that process was happening, a sort of midwifery, a protection of the emerging ..what is the term? chrysallis? or is it pupa? I like chrysallis better... anyway, thank you for this wonderful thread. and now, better late than never, I'll add my thoughs. yes, this is true IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS. Thich Nhat Hahn has a wonderful essay on this...if we insist on loving as we wish to love, what is that? It can be as simple as giving the same flowers that aren't wanted, or cooking the same meal that isn't wished for...it is a weird form of abuse cloaked as love. I have been the recipient of that, and so could recognize it right away when I read his essay...but seeing myself as the perpetuator of that was so very much harder. yes, of course we resented. How could we not? I am sorry sometimes that my "normal" kids know that I resented them too...but Difficult Child...yes, the martyr's role. I embraced it. My sister has a very very severely autistic son. He is nonverbal and minimally toilet trained at 23. Unfortunately, he is also SEVEN FEET TALL. And obese. She lives alone with him. No one will help care for him. Her life is consumed by him. I once managed to wrestle her away by persuading her to go to volunteer work in Chiapas with me...(I knew she wouldn't just go to a spa, some how I knew she would go somewhere scary and uncomfortable, but at least she would get away). She asked me to tell no one about her son...she wanted to be free to be just herself. We were not there for 24 hours before I overheard her explaining about him. She didn't know how to live without being his mom. She couldn't breathe that way. I remembered that always. I try to not let my breath be dependent on any one identity, although I teeter always with my children...and even, oddly with my ex (married 25 years). This is always a good solution to that problem! Thank you, Cedar, for introducing Hallelujah to the board! Cedar, I borrowed your candle tradition. I believe in honoring grief. I married into a jewish family, and I think the traditions around death..the days of sitting shiva, the rent clothing, the black ribbon...they are crucial to our recovery. We honor our dead, and our losses. I love the fact that you set a place for your son, Cedar. That was very very hard for me. I had about a year (witnessed here on the forum) when I. Hated. Him. I unleashed it all. I couldn't stand his smile. I hated what he had become. I immediately became a strident shrew when he spoke to me. It was so ugly, and yet it had to happen. It had to pass through me. I let it pass through me, Copa, and now it is gone. That is true of so much badness and sadness...let those feelings have their process, their moment in the sun. They will pass more quickly that way than if you fight them. Thich Nhat Hahn says that if we learn to suffer well we suffer less...we can allow suffering, allow it to be what it is...don't fight it. And it will pass. I promise. I know this to be true. Cedar I love your quotes. You forgot the one from Hamlet, which brought me so much comfort my first dark winter here....something like "for this respite, much thanks, for it is cold and I am weary of heart." or something like that. I love that quote. It made me feel so much less alone. No comment! Good night to all of you now, my lady pirates and friends, and those gentlemen pirates who are out there on the forum or sleeping beside those who are, and sharing the lives of Difficult Child's. Sleep well. We fight a good fight. Hugs, Echo [/QUOTE]
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