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Parent Emeritus
"If you don't care, why should I?" Is this TOO tough?
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 447282"><p>I don't think it is too tough to say he can't come home and visit and be in your home if he can't follow your rules and respect your home and your property!!! The letting friends use your house for a party was way way over the line in my opinion. I really don't think you need a drug evaluation, I think it is pretty clear your son has a drug problem. You may not know to what extent but the fact that he needed to bring pot with him on a family vacation and smoke alone speaks volumes about his drug use and his drug problem.That said I think before you tell him anything you need to give yourself a couple of days to cool off so that you can approach this not out of anger and outrage but calmly and simply.... you can't be here if you are bringing drugs into my home and if you bring friends etc. here when we are not home. Calm and simple.Fact is you do care, that is obvious. So saying if you don't care then I won't either won't go over well.. he will know you don't really mean it that you do care. Then the manipulation will start. Find an alanon meeting, one for parents if you can. That will help. Then start thinking about boundaries... what you are willing to put up with and what you are not. What you are willing to pay for and what you are not. You have the right to make the rules in your own home yet he is an adult now (at least legally) and so has the right to make major decisions about his life.And yeah he needs to decide and face his drug issues.... you can't make him do it and you can't do it for him.Hugs.... this is one of the hardest things to face as a parent, and we on this board all know his drug use is not due to your parenting. I have been there, am still there. My son is also 19, is out of the house, and is trying to find his way and I am learning to let go a lot... and my son definitely has a drug problem although due to court and drug testing i don't think he is using as much as he had in the past but I don't really know for sure.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 447282"] I don't think it is too tough to say he can't come home and visit and be in your home if he can't follow your rules and respect your home and your property!!! The letting friends use your house for a party was way way over the line in my opinion. I really don't think you need a drug evaluation, I think it is pretty clear your son has a drug problem. You may not know to what extent but the fact that he needed to bring pot with him on a family vacation and smoke alone speaks volumes about his drug use and his drug problem.That said I think before you tell him anything you need to give yourself a couple of days to cool off so that you can approach this not out of anger and outrage but calmly and simply.... you can't be here if you are bringing drugs into my home and if you bring friends etc. here when we are not home. Calm and simple.Fact is you do care, that is obvious. So saying if you don't care then I won't either won't go over well.. he will know you don't really mean it that you do care. Then the manipulation will start. Find an alanon meeting, one for parents if you can. That will help. Then start thinking about boundaries... what you are willing to put up with and what you are not. What you are willing to pay for and what you are not. You have the right to make the rules in your own home yet he is an adult now (at least legally) and so has the right to make major decisions about his life.And yeah he needs to decide and face his drug issues.... you can't make him do it and you can't do it for him.Hugs.... this is one of the hardest things to face as a parent, and we on this board all know his drug use is not due to your parenting. I have been there, am still there. My son is also 19, is out of the house, and is trying to find his way and I am learning to let go a lot... and my son definitely has a drug problem although due to court and drug testing i don't think he is using as much as he had in the past but I don't really know for sure. [/QUOTE]
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"If you don't care, why should I?" Is this TOO tough?
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