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"If you don't care, why should I?" Is this TOO tough?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 447862" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Well - I'm not sure what you are refering to as a happy ending. </p><p></p><p>I'll try to put it in a Father/Son light. Maybe this will help you -maybe not. </p><p></p><p>My x husband was "helped" by his Mother ALL.HIS. Drug doing life. Just before I met him in his Mid 30's he was smoking pot and drinking, and had dabbled in cocaine. (according to him and her). What he neglected to tell her is that he had tried crack. Well let's define tried. He was 'in control' of smoking crack. (his version). He was 'in control' of snorting cocaine. He was 'in control' of drinking. Now when I tell you that she helped him? I thought she was really a good Mother. When he messed up his jobs from not going to them because he was out too many days from drinking and smoking? She would write checks or give him money to cover his rent -er OUR rent. Usually he would get a job sooner or later because I worked three jobs to keep up with the bills. Even when I was pregnant I worked three jobs. We moved 44 times in 11 years. Mostly unbeknown to me - because we skipped out on paying the rent. We also borrowed money from my parents that never got paid back - but always with promises of "the next job, the next job, the next job." That went over with my parents TWICE. Then that was the end of that gravy train. The month after we got married? He started beating on me, isolated me from my family and his Mother put me down worse than he did. I married him I should be woman enough to handle the mess. Of course there were REHABS, after REHABS to HELP him. Hospitals, suicide attempts. OMG I think in our 13 year marriage there were a total of 22. And every time? Mommy was there to BAIL him out, help him...and got her ENTIRE family to feel sorry for him, put up money to HELP him. BAILED him out every time - from jail....get the best attorneys and I'm not talking small time crimes - the mans rap sheet spreads numerous states, and serious crimes. He's NEVER done real time. Slick willy cries "drug abuse" and gets REHAB - then gets a GRAND attorney because of Mommy and her connections. So yeah - I'd say she really <strong><u>helped</u></strong> him. The day she died - (from her other children running her over with her OWN Mini van - and by the way None of THEM went to jail either) my X was in jail and his uncle had to bail in out. Yup -MORE HELP and connections - and he ran to the drug houses and went to his OWN Mothers funeral HIGH as a kite.....why? He couldn't "Deal" with her Death - sober. WOW! How sad is that? I dunno....I think it's selfish. And what a slap in the face - at her bequest - in lieu of flowers she asked in her will that all donations go to a certain REHAB in my X's name. Still in her death - she was trying to HELP him. Unreal. He's now - 56, unemployed, a psychopath/sociopath self-medicating Bi-polar that refuses treatment but has had YEARS of rehab, can't hold a job, is dangerous, a sex addict, womanizer, beats people if they don't do what he wants them to do, owns NOTHING....and I mean nothing. The clothes in his jail duffle bag I guess....has no money, no savings, can't balance a check book - and now? Thanks to his MOthers help? His brothers and sisters are SO sick of him and his behaviors They want ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with him. Even his own FATHER disowned him 25 years ago. The man is a nuissance - yet - we still say prayers for him (me and my son) that he finds God - because I just don't think anything else in this world will save him - and I'm not sure that it isn't too late for that. Maybe some crossroads dealings. No one in the world is as lucky as he is - to get away with all he has and never get into serious trouble. So yes - this is exactly what happens when Parents do not tough love their kids. </p><p></p><p>On a different note.....</p><p></p><p>My son - at 16 - was so sure he knew EVERYTHING - he told us so. He had been incarcerated for theft. Broken the laws of the state, our home and was just out of control. WE certainly could not control him. We tried medicines, therapy, parenting techniques - and at some point you just have to sit back and say? WHATS left? And when you're answer is - NOTHING except to let him fall - then you have to step back and let the world kick him in the butt. They know SO much - let them see how much they know, make their own mistakes...and if they are WORSE without your help and they get into MORE trouble? Then - they get into that trouble and LEARN something. THey LEARN - because they ONLY HAVE THEMSELVES TO BLAME and ....most importantly THEMSELVES to ask - WHO GETS ME OUT OF THIS NOW? ---MYSELF. NO MOM NO DAD-no FANCY LAWYER. And in doing so --they earn respect for THEMSELVES. Because I can bake a beautiful cake and take it to your daughters shower - but when you bake the cake for your daughters baby shower and show it off- you feel a greater sense of pride and bragging rights....same with kids solving their problems. </p><p></p><p>This is what tough love is about. It doesn't mean that you are NEVER there to give or offer advice....it DOES mean that you are NOT THERE - to pick up the pices with money-or a flop house or to bail them out of their problems. I am ALL FOR _ PAYING if you are able for rehab. Once or twice....but after that? Sorry - no. There are FREE programs out there that if someone is serious about sobriety? They can find on their own and complete the programs. Thing is - YOU want your son to quit smoking pot. YOU want him to go to college. YOU want him to graduate and get a job. YOU want.....YOU want. YOU want. I've seen very little here of - MY SON WANTS SOBRIETY. MY SON WANTS TO FINISH SCHOOL. MY SON wants to get good grades. When THOSE statements or I statements start coming out of his mouth? THEN you help. When HE is serious - Yeah - but until then? You need to back off. </p><p></p><p>Dude took a year and a half of his "I KNOW MORE THAN YOU DO." attitude and wow......what a time that was. We had buried a child, let one go.....and no, I didn't hear from him and what was worse? The man above that I wrote about? THAT is his biofather. When our son was about 4 years old - he took our son "Dude" and traded him for crack. Left him with a dealer. Nice huh? Well that same kid - turned 18-19 years old, has an out of control temper and WANTS to go LIVE with that same man. The crazy man. On drugs. The one that took him and wouldn't give him back when he was a baby. Just to spite me. So I'm stuck between wondering if he would KILL my son in his sleep and threaten me with this so I'd come there, or if my unstable kid would go off his nut and kill his biodad for what he did to him at age 4 ---and end up in jail for life. Then add not hearing from him too much for a year and a half...Yup - Basket case. STILL - did.NOT. Interfere. BEcause it was THEIR life, their problem and I had to allow whatever was going on to go on because it was NOT my life. It was HIS. And two years later? Amazingly - he figured out that Daddy Disney is a creep, not worthy of his time, a liar - etc, etc. Now he has goals, has I WANT statements in his life, and isn't doing too bad. Is he still a difficult child? YUP. But is he takign care of himself? Yup. Do I worry? You bet - he's my son. Is MY stress level gone down? ABSOLUTELY. Is he going to go to Yale in the Fall? Nope. How bout get his GED? I wish. Go to tech? It's on his I wish list. But see.....this is HIS life. Screw ups or good things - HES got to figure out - what and how - and where and who. Not me. I had my life - I made my mistakes and if I force my hand? He's not going to do what I want him to do and rebel more. He's got to do what he's going to do - on his own terms. At 2o - he's a man.....not a little boy. </p><p></p><p>I just pray every day he finds his way and that it's a good way - stays clear of the law, finishes school somehow - gets a good job, makes enough to support himself...remembers what I taught him, and is a kind and fair person, and is happy, and healthy. If he's something other than that? I can't change that, and I'm not going to be like my X mother in law and spend my life bailing him out of one problem after another. I did ask my x mother in law at one point - WHEN or at WHAT AGE DO you stop helping and paying and fixing things for your son? She said "That is none of your business, it's between me and my boy." (and I think BOY was the operative word) Personally I think he should have walked around with a pacifier in his mouth - and until she died - did. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Hope this helps. </p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 447862, member: 4964"] Well - I'm not sure what you are refering to as a happy ending. I'll try to put it in a Father/Son light. Maybe this will help you -maybe not. My x husband was "helped" by his Mother ALL.HIS. Drug doing life. Just before I met him in his Mid 30's he was smoking pot and drinking, and had dabbled in cocaine. (according to him and her). What he neglected to tell her is that he had tried crack. Well let's define tried. He was 'in control' of smoking crack. (his version). He was 'in control' of snorting cocaine. He was 'in control' of drinking. Now when I tell you that she helped him? I thought she was really a good Mother. When he messed up his jobs from not going to them because he was out too many days from drinking and smoking? She would write checks or give him money to cover his rent -er OUR rent. Usually he would get a job sooner or later because I worked three jobs to keep up with the bills. Even when I was pregnant I worked three jobs. We moved 44 times in 11 years. Mostly unbeknown to me - because we skipped out on paying the rent. We also borrowed money from my parents that never got paid back - but always with promises of "the next job, the next job, the next job." That went over with my parents TWICE. Then that was the end of that gravy train. The month after we got married? He started beating on me, isolated me from my family and his Mother put me down worse than he did. I married him I should be woman enough to handle the mess. Of course there were REHABS, after REHABS to HELP him. Hospitals, suicide attempts. OMG I think in our 13 year marriage there were a total of 22. And every time? Mommy was there to BAIL him out, help him...and got her ENTIRE family to feel sorry for him, put up money to HELP him. BAILED him out every time - from jail....get the best attorneys and I'm not talking small time crimes - the mans rap sheet spreads numerous states, and serious crimes. He's NEVER done real time. Slick willy cries "drug abuse" and gets REHAB - then gets a GRAND attorney because of Mommy and her connections. So yeah - I'd say she really [B][U]helped[/U][/B] him. The day she died - (from her other children running her over with her OWN Mini van - and by the way None of THEM went to jail either) my X was in jail and his uncle had to bail in out. Yup -MORE HELP and connections - and he ran to the drug houses and went to his OWN Mothers funeral HIGH as a kite.....why? He couldn't "Deal" with her Death - sober. WOW! How sad is that? I dunno....I think it's selfish. And what a slap in the face - at her bequest - in lieu of flowers she asked in her will that all donations go to a certain REHAB in my X's name. Still in her death - she was trying to HELP him. Unreal. He's now - 56, unemployed, a psychopath/sociopath self-medicating Bi-polar that refuses treatment but has had YEARS of rehab, can't hold a job, is dangerous, a sex addict, womanizer, beats people if they don't do what he wants them to do, owns NOTHING....and I mean nothing. The clothes in his jail duffle bag I guess....has no money, no savings, can't balance a check book - and now? Thanks to his MOthers help? His brothers and sisters are SO sick of him and his behaviors They want ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with him. Even his own FATHER disowned him 25 years ago. The man is a nuissance - yet - we still say prayers for him (me and my son) that he finds God - because I just don't think anything else in this world will save him - and I'm not sure that it isn't too late for that. Maybe some crossroads dealings. No one in the world is as lucky as he is - to get away with all he has and never get into serious trouble. So yes - this is exactly what happens when Parents do not tough love their kids. On a different note..... My son - at 16 - was so sure he knew EVERYTHING - he told us so. He had been incarcerated for theft. Broken the laws of the state, our home and was just out of control. WE certainly could not control him. We tried medicines, therapy, parenting techniques - and at some point you just have to sit back and say? WHATS left? And when you're answer is - NOTHING except to let him fall - then you have to step back and let the world kick him in the butt. They know SO much - let them see how much they know, make their own mistakes...and if they are WORSE without your help and they get into MORE trouble? Then - they get into that trouble and LEARN something. THey LEARN - because they ONLY HAVE THEMSELVES TO BLAME and ....most importantly THEMSELVES to ask - WHO GETS ME OUT OF THIS NOW? ---MYSELF. NO MOM NO DAD-no FANCY LAWYER. And in doing so --they earn respect for THEMSELVES. Because I can bake a beautiful cake and take it to your daughters shower - but when you bake the cake for your daughters baby shower and show it off- you feel a greater sense of pride and bragging rights....same with kids solving their problems. This is what tough love is about. It doesn't mean that you are NEVER there to give or offer advice....it DOES mean that you are NOT THERE - to pick up the pices with money-or a flop house or to bail them out of their problems. I am ALL FOR _ PAYING if you are able for rehab. Once or twice....but after that? Sorry - no. There are FREE programs out there that if someone is serious about sobriety? They can find on their own and complete the programs. Thing is - YOU want your son to quit smoking pot. YOU want him to go to college. YOU want him to graduate and get a job. YOU want.....YOU want. YOU want. I've seen very little here of - MY SON WANTS SOBRIETY. MY SON WANTS TO FINISH SCHOOL. MY SON wants to get good grades. When THOSE statements or I statements start coming out of his mouth? THEN you help. When HE is serious - Yeah - but until then? You need to back off. Dude took a year and a half of his "I KNOW MORE THAN YOU DO." attitude and wow......what a time that was. We had buried a child, let one go.....and no, I didn't hear from him and what was worse? The man above that I wrote about? THAT is his biofather. When our son was about 4 years old - he took our son "Dude" and traded him for crack. Left him with a dealer. Nice huh? Well that same kid - turned 18-19 years old, has an out of control temper and WANTS to go LIVE with that same man. The crazy man. On drugs. The one that took him and wouldn't give him back when he was a baby. Just to spite me. So I'm stuck between wondering if he would KILL my son in his sleep and threaten me with this so I'd come there, or if my unstable kid would go off his nut and kill his biodad for what he did to him at age 4 ---and end up in jail for life. Then add not hearing from him too much for a year and a half...Yup - Basket case. STILL - did.NOT. Interfere. BEcause it was THEIR life, their problem and I had to allow whatever was going on to go on because it was NOT my life. It was HIS. And two years later? Amazingly - he figured out that Daddy Disney is a creep, not worthy of his time, a liar - etc, etc. Now he has goals, has I WANT statements in his life, and isn't doing too bad. Is he still a difficult child? YUP. But is he takign care of himself? Yup. Do I worry? You bet - he's my son. Is MY stress level gone down? ABSOLUTELY. Is he going to go to Yale in the Fall? Nope. How bout get his GED? I wish. Go to tech? It's on his I wish list. But see.....this is HIS life. Screw ups or good things - HES got to figure out - what and how - and where and who. Not me. I had my life - I made my mistakes and if I force my hand? He's not going to do what I want him to do and rebel more. He's got to do what he's going to do - on his own terms. At 2o - he's a man.....not a little boy. I just pray every day he finds his way and that it's a good way - stays clear of the law, finishes school somehow - gets a good job, makes enough to support himself...remembers what I taught him, and is a kind and fair person, and is happy, and healthy. If he's something other than that? I can't change that, and I'm not going to be like my X mother in law and spend my life bailing him out of one problem after another. I did ask my x mother in law at one point - WHEN or at WHAT AGE DO you stop helping and paying and fixing things for your son? She said "That is none of your business, it's between me and my boy." (and I think BOY was the operative word) Personally I think he should have walked around with a pacifier in his mouth - and until she died - did. Hope this helps. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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