I'm losing it

[TerryJ2]

This morning, I couldn't find difficult child's Gameboy, laptop, and other electronics, and could not find my own laptop. I had to keep locking and unlocking each door (the handyman came yesterday and installed two more door locks) and I kept forgetting which room I was in -- you middle-aged folks will remember Get Smart and how he walked into opening and closing doors? That would be me.

I was rushing to an appointment to get my car serviced. I panicked and sent difficult child a text: "I can't find the electronics. Tell me where you put them right now or your phone goes off."

My cell rang immediately and he started swearing: f-this, f-that. I've never heard the word so many times.
"You're always accusing me of taking everything! I don't know where it is!"

I told him I would not sit there and have him swear at me. I hung up.
He called back. 3x. I ignored him.
He called the house phone. He was calmer. He said he'd help me look for my laptop.
To me, that meant he'd hidden it in retaliation because I took his things, so he couldn't sell them to make money for a tattoo.
I just said "Fine."

Came home later, took my time ... found everything. I'd moved it all several times, thinking up "better" and better places.

So I sat down with-difficult child and apologized. And asked him to apologize for using the F-bomb.
He refused. I got up and left.
I sat down again at 8:30 tonight and apologized. This time, I didn't make it conditional. Just kept my mouth shut and let him vent.
He apologized on his own for swearing.

Then he was quiet for a minute and said, "K has Dad's coins."
"Oh?"
"He was joking about it at school."
He explained it, and it could have been a joke. Or not. difficult child was with H, and she pulled him away ... she could tell he didn't like the joke ... too close to the truth.
difficult child thinks he has the coins and is keeping them until things cool off, and when the detectives let down their guard, he'll pawn them. He's a senior and rarely goes to school. He's got enough credits to graduate. I know where he lives but I do not want to confront him. I asked if difficult child could to get them back (husband would rather have them back. If we wait until they're pawned, and then used the surveillance cameras and the photos of the coins, it will be too late. But we could get a conviction. It's just so much work to even think about it.)
In case you don't recall, difficult child warned me not to leave K alone in the house when we went to the therapist and I did it anyway. Than again, difficult child was the one who brought him over here to begin with. When it comes to Dumb and Dumber, difficult child and I make a good pair.

So, these are the dynamics now. Something goes missing, we automatically blame difficult child.

 

[Lil]

So, these are the dynamics now. Something goes missing, we automatically blame difficult child.

I know how this feels and I'm sorry for you. I remember that day, the days when I couldn't find something and would think it was him. Automatically doing an inventory when we got home from work. Sadly, in our case, more often than not, it was really gone.

Trust takes an instant to lose and a long, long time to build. He needs to understand that.

 

[Tanya M]

Oh the irony of it all. You wouldn't have to remember where you hide things from him if he wouldn't have put you in that situation. I suppose you could always lock things in the trunk of your car.

 

[BusynMember]

I think drug users get gaslighting down to a science. Yes, we feel guilty until we just can't anymore before eventually, as good as they are, they will get caught. I was hoping it never happened to your child, but sounds like he is in full swing of drug addiction and finding fast, easy, cheap ways to fund it. Maybe he does actually tell his friends to do the dirty deed and leads them to the valuables. "Then I can tell Mom I didn't take it. Hehe."

I would lock up everything of value in your house and I'm so sorry for your badly hurting heart.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you.
He may very well have told them where it was ... I still think they were in on it together.

Still, I agree with this: "Trust takes an instant to lose and a long, long time to build."

So sad, all the way around.

 

[BusynMember]

It is sad.

But your concern is your son and you know he was in on it and you also know, you MUST know in the back of your mind (denial is a tough foe) that he was the one who took the other stuff. It is a coincidence? Things keep disappearing? It's never him? Then he gets defensive when you blame him. Why? I read once that an innocent person just says, "No." A guilty person goes on a rampage and turns it on you.

You know who he is choosing as "friends" (cough). I don't care how socially inept he is. Sonic is too, but he would never hang with drug abusers. It is a choice. There are other ways, better ways, to make friends. Your son is also choosing a dangerous girlfriend who may not be on birth control and he is already going to be a father, or at least a sperm donor, once. Will he be in the child's life? He sure isn't acting like it. You can't force him to. At his age you can't force him to do anything.

To be honest, if it were my kid, I'd let him sell all his treasures. That will be a good lessons for him since he will then be without. I would NOT let him steal my stuff and if I called the cops, it would not be to say, "Well, he may have taken it, but he says A, Bc and C really did it." His involvement would be enough for me. The idea of the cops is to try to scare the kids straight and we have no power or real relationship with the other kids who may have helped him do the deed. If he k new about it, if he let them in the house (and I think this is a stetch...I still believe he masterminded it) then he also needs to learn that legally he is in hot water. What else MAY make them stop??

I am totally convinced, as is my Princess, that if we had been soft on her, she would not have quit. She claims she got so sick of the threats, the life, just the affects of the drugs and getting into trouble...basically she is and always has been a loving, good person. So is your son. But it is hard to quit. There is peer pressure that is far more potent than what Mom says, especially if Mom doesn't follow through and Dad just does nothing.

Maybe he needs a scare to quit and not have you believing that ABC did it, not him. Why was he with ABC, even on the off chance that it's true? How did they get into your house? You will never get absolute proof. I only knew what went on with Princess after she quit and we sat down and had a frank, if not scary, discussion about what drug life is. If she had never quit, we never would have known what it was like because my big imagination did not go that far. I had no idea that people were threatening her life or the lives of all of us. I have never taken drugs, don't even drink, have no clue about the culture...well, I didn't. Now I do.

I hope this story gets better. I know your son has good in him. I think it is the drugs talking, but that's serious. And you are a good person and a very diligent Mama Bear and stronger than you know.

Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[Rina]

I agree with SomewhereOutThere that it seems like he needs to see a stronger response - possibly in the form of police involvement - in order to "get it". I usually don't like the "scared straight" techniques, they are over-used and often don't get to the bottom of the real issues, but maybe that could be of use now?

I really sympathize with the guilt of automatically blaming him when things go missing... when my son ran away a few days ago, the first thing we did was look around and check if anything's missing. I still feel guilty for that. But at the end of the days, he did give you plenty of reasons to feel that way. Take care.