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I'm so discouraged...
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 304434" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Trish, I owe you, and am offering, a big apology. I had forgotten some of what you are dealing with. My fault totally, and I AM sorry.</p><p></p><p>I DO think the substance abuse (including alcohol) will negate any and ALL of your efforts to have him reach independence. Until you can motivate him to get clean ALL efforts to help him mature are likely to be useless. I don't know if AlAnon meetings are as common as they are here. In my small town I could pick from no less than 6 AlAnon meetings a day. There are a few less AA meetings some days, but on some days there are twice that many. Not every country is as gung-ho as the US is due mostly to the genetic profile that makes us very susceptible, esp anyone with Native American blood. I don't know if Aussies share that tendency or are more like the Europeans who have far lower rates of alcoholism.</p><p></p><p>Given that your son gets a disability check, surely there are services that could take him to a rehab where they would get him clean from the drugs and alcohol? YOUR job will be to make life so uncomfortable that he WANTS to go. I would increase his board fee on any month he is drinking/drugging, eliminate his electricity except for long enough to get physically clean, if he has restroom facilities that are not inside your home don't let him in. Let him have food that does not need to be heated or kept cool, and/or take him a basic meal each mealtime. </p><p></p><p>I KNOW it sounds "mean". Really cruel to some. But to be honest, unless you make ALL trips, extras, etc dependent on him being clean, sober and well behaved (clean as in off drugs, not as in freshly bathed) he will neither get off the substances nor mature.</p><p></p><p>If he is wily enough to get drugs without being arrested then he is wily enough to find others to manipulate if you stop buying it.</p><p></p><p>By all means, this must be tempered by what you can tolerate, by whatever you are legally required to give him, and by what he truly can understand. </p><p></p><p>I hope you can see that nothing you do will EVER work until he gets off the drugs and drink. I am NOT being mean or judgemental. I am speaking from sad experience with my brother and dozens of very close friends. NONE of them ever matured while they were using. MANY of them dropped out of high school or college, out of their families, etc.... The ONLY ones who EVER did ANYTHING are the ones who were dragged screaming to rehab and emerged with newly opened eyes and a desire to try not to live that way again. Many had more than one try at rehab. Only one got it the first try. But he didn't walk until he could do it without help, never tried anything half way, and STILL runs at life at 150&#37; power. He is my bro and he is STILL a difficult child, though much much easier to live with now. Prior to rehab he was not allowed in the same building as my children. Period. Now, well, we still do family dinner at my folks every few months.</p><p></p><p>It will be hard. No lies about it. He will rant, rave, yell, break things, etc... But, he is DANGEROUS as long as he is using drugs. He will hurt you, the kids, the animals, anyone to get what he wants and to get out of anything that interferes.</p><p></p><p>Please start with AlAnon or NarcAnon for yourself. Then ease into what you can once you have seen what is available to him through your government.</p><p></p><p>Drug addicts don't keep jobs for long. Not when they are 19, have no real skills, and have his attitude. Hopefully I am wrong. If so I will dance naked under the moonlight with chicken livers taped to my elbows. </p><p></p><p>Make time/effort to spend with Rachel this weekend. I would bet that she feels a bit less important because Cherub and DS19 are so labor intensive. I would bet she really feels pushed off to the side, even if she doesn't tell you if you ask. </p><p></p><p>I do mean well, even when I get it wrong.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 304434, member: 1233"] Trish, I owe you, and am offering, a big apology. I had forgotten some of what you are dealing with. My fault totally, and I AM sorry. I DO think the substance abuse (including alcohol) will negate any and ALL of your efforts to have him reach independence. Until you can motivate him to get clean ALL efforts to help him mature are likely to be useless. I don't know if AlAnon meetings are as common as they are here. In my small town I could pick from no less than 6 AlAnon meetings a day. There are a few less AA meetings some days, but on some days there are twice that many. Not every country is as gung-ho as the US is due mostly to the genetic profile that makes us very susceptible, esp anyone with Native American blood. I don't know if Aussies share that tendency or are more like the Europeans who have far lower rates of alcoholism. Given that your son gets a disability check, surely there are services that could take him to a rehab where they would get him clean from the drugs and alcohol? YOUR job will be to make life so uncomfortable that he WANTS to go. I would increase his board fee on any month he is drinking/drugging, eliminate his electricity except for long enough to get physically clean, if he has restroom facilities that are not inside your home don't let him in. Let him have food that does not need to be heated or kept cool, and/or take him a basic meal each mealtime. I KNOW it sounds "mean". Really cruel to some. But to be honest, unless you make ALL trips, extras, etc dependent on him being clean, sober and well behaved (clean as in off drugs, not as in freshly bathed) he will neither get off the substances nor mature. If he is wily enough to get drugs without being arrested then he is wily enough to find others to manipulate if you stop buying it. By all means, this must be tempered by what you can tolerate, by whatever you are legally required to give him, and by what he truly can understand. I hope you can see that nothing you do will EVER work until he gets off the drugs and drink. I am NOT being mean or judgemental. I am speaking from sad experience with my brother and dozens of very close friends. NONE of them ever matured while they were using. MANY of them dropped out of high school or college, out of their families, etc.... The ONLY ones who EVER did ANYTHING are the ones who were dragged screaming to rehab and emerged with newly opened eyes and a desire to try not to live that way again. Many had more than one try at rehab. Only one got it the first try. But he didn't walk until he could do it without help, never tried anything half way, and STILL runs at life at 150% power. He is my bro and he is STILL a difficult child, though much much easier to live with now. Prior to rehab he was not allowed in the same building as my children. Period. Now, well, we still do family dinner at my folks every few months. It will be hard. No lies about it. He will rant, rave, yell, break things, etc... But, he is DANGEROUS as long as he is using drugs. He will hurt you, the kids, the animals, anyone to get what he wants and to get out of anything that interferes. Please start with AlAnon or NarcAnon for yourself. Then ease into what you can once you have seen what is available to him through your government. Drug addicts don't keep jobs for long. Not when they are 19, have no real skills, and have his attitude. Hopefully I am wrong. If so I will dance naked under the moonlight with chicken livers taped to my elbows. Make time/effort to spend with Rachel this weekend. I would bet that she feels a bit less important because Cherub and DS19 are so labor intensive. I would bet she really feels pushed off to the side, even if she doesn't tell you if you ask. I do mean well, even when I get it wrong. [/QUOTE]
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