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Family of Origin
In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 665991" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>We don't have to be perfect, Copa. We get to be so absolutely human, with all the messiness of human and real.</p><p></p><p>There is no shame here, Copa. You behaved with integrity. It would be better, I think, to not listen to shame about whatever came next, about how someone else interpreted our intentions. For me, when I feel shame, I know I am feeling something that has its roots in old things, in things I no longer want to react to or from. I have to balance my way out of those feelings. I have to figure out how to heal through them, and how to see them for what they are. </p><p></p><p>I had to do that when I realized how I was seeing and treating my son so disrespectfully, not in my words, but in how I saw him, and in how the way I had come to see him affected the words I was choosing.</p><p></p><p>It was a hard thing to figure out.</p><p></p><p>I didn't want to go too far the other way, either.</p><p></p><p>So, I had to get to a place of compassion for myself before I could know how to communicate to my son from the place I wanted to be, instead of from a place I was not clear about, but knew pretty clearly was not okay with me. It was really hard. I had to find a balance between what felt like arrogance in the way I'd been seeing him and the shame I felt about that, and I couldn't find it.</p><p></p><p>I had to create it, maybe.</p><p></p><p>I felt arrogant, and I felt ashamed to have been arrogant and boy, it just went round and round.</p><p></p><p>So I just did my best I knew how to do, and apologized and son didn't know what I was talking about really, except he did.</p><p></p><p>So, that was pretty messy.</p><p></p><p>But I feel proud of myself for facing up to all of it without like, dumping my stuff on him or overdoing it or something. I don't know how to do balance yet. I think that is what I am saying. We have been through so many changes through our good work here but we are brand new to it. We need to be certain that we know what we mean and its hard to know how to put it all together for ourselves, let alone to express it correctly to someone else.</p><p></p><p>But if a sense of shame is anywhere in the picture Copa, maybe take a little more time?</p><p></p><p>I have to go work in the yard now, you two. The drain tiles are in, and we're finishing the rock work and path. </p><p></p><p>Maybe the path.</p><p></p><p>That rock work is harder than a person would think.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 665991, member: 17461"] We don't have to be perfect, Copa. We get to be so absolutely human, with all the messiness of human and real. There is no shame here, Copa. You behaved with integrity. It would be better, I think, to not listen to shame about whatever came next, about how someone else interpreted our intentions. For me, when I feel shame, I know I am feeling something that has its roots in old things, in things I no longer want to react to or from. I have to balance my way out of those feelings. I have to figure out how to heal through them, and how to see them for what they are. I had to do that when I realized how I was seeing and treating my son so disrespectfully, not in my words, but in how I saw him, and in how the way I had come to see him affected the words I was choosing. It was a hard thing to figure out. I didn't want to go too far the other way, either. So, I had to get to a place of compassion for myself before I could know how to communicate to my son from the place I wanted to be, instead of from a place I was not clear about, but knew pretty clearly was not okay with me. It was really hard. I had to find a balance between what felt like arrogance in the way I'd been seeing him and the shame I felt about that, and I couldn't find it. I had to create it, maybe. I felt arrogant, and I felt ashamed to have been arrogant and boy, it just went round and round. So I just did my best I knew how to do, and apologized and son didn't know what I was talking about really, except he did. So, that was pretty messy. But I feel proud of myself for facing up to all of it without like, dumping my stuff on him or overdoing it or something. I don't know how to do balance yet. I think that is what I am saying. We have been through so many changes through our good work here but we are brand new to it. We need to be certain that we know what we mean and its hard to know how to put it all together for ourselves, let alone to express it correctly to someone else. But if a sense of shame is anywhere in the picture Copa, maybe take a little more time? I have to go work in the yard now, you two. The drain tiles are in, and we're finishing the rock work and path. Maybe the path. That rock work is harder than a person would think. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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