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In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 666008" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Serenity, I don't think it ever has one thing to do with what we have done. Unless I'm totally delusional, I was as good a sister, as willing and non-judgmental and supportive a sister, as I knew how to be. This was a choice on my part; I mean, I worked at it. I thought about it. I remained loyal whatever she did <em>and she pulled some doozies.</em></p><p></p><p>I wouldn't even let my mom talk badly about her. Not that anyone could stop my mother, but I never encouraged her.</p><p></p><p>So I think it is not something we did, Serenity. I was afraid my sister would come to my house with her husband and my mother and I would feel <em>terrible</em>, remember that? That was in June of this year!</p><p></p><p>Then I was afraid of the phone call.</p><p></p><p>But by the time it came, I was better enough to handle it well. And it wasn't even scary.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p> </p><p>I feel so differently now, feel so much more at home in my own home, at home with and proud of and happy with, my own D H, than I have since they started this smear campaign on us, on our stuff, on <em>our own children and boy, I could spit about that one.</em> The thing is, I didn't know what families were supposed to do, how they could be supportive of all of us ~ not just D H and I, but the kids, too.</p><p></p><p>I just didn't know.</p><p></p><p>Now I do. Well, I at least I know, like I always do, what families do <em>not</em> do.</p><p></p><p>It was never anything you did, Serenity. It was not who you were. It is, and it has always been, who sister is.</p><p></p><p>She doesn't even know you, Serenity.</p><p></p><p>She doesn't even know who you are. She is vested in you being who she needs you to be for her to feel better about herself.</p><p></p><p>Now, we know.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think you will find that they blow up what you feel ashamed about ~ a time you feel your behavior was not up to your standards, into felonies. That is why, when we try to figure it out about how that was the reason this or that happened, the reaction doesn't make sense for the supposed crime.</p><p></p><p>They just want the reaction.</p><p></p><p>You could have done anything, anything at all, and the result would have been the same. She always intended to do just what she did, just the way she did it.</p><p></p><p>I think that is true.</p><p></p><p>If we were not so shame based, we never would have fallen for any of it right from the beginning. Add the mother wound; add, as Copa teaches us, the younger sister identifying with the abuser. </p><p></p><p>Add pseudo mom, and the whole, sorry mess that is.</p><p></p><p>That's who they "think" if they think at all, that's who they think we are.</p><p></p><p>And they are so angry Serenity because I think they know we are not what they say. They go all ballistic, and start naming us scientific names they don't even know the meaning of, but the meaner, the better.</p><p></p><p>And you know what you did, in your kindness and confusion and from that shame your mom hurt into you? You said, "Oh, no. How sad for me! <em>I will do better.</em></p><p></p><p><em>And you did.</em></p><p></p><p><em>But you were never what she insisted you were.</em></p><p></p><p>You never were, Serenity.</p><p></p><p>So sister brought in a witness. You don't know that he ever said that.</p><p></p><p>Sister was wrong.</p><p></p><p>And I think that, like my sister, she knew it.</p><p></p><p>That's why my sister has to walk with the Lord. Everybody else gets it that she's full of it. Except for me. But now, I get it, too.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think so, too. I am glad you did that, Serenity.</p><p></p><p>The remainder of your post was about extended family and the strangenesses there. And that has to be true, of course. Our families are working things out as best they can. For this time, when I am still so new to seeing and assigning responsibility to the person for what they undeniably did do, I don't want to understand them.</p><p></p><p>I want to blame them for what they did.</p><p></p><p>I do.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 666008, member: 17461"] Serenity, I don't think it ever has one thing to do with what we have done. Unless I'm totally delusional, I was as good a sister, as willing and non-judgmental and supportive a sister, as I knew how to be. This was a choice on my part; I mean, I worked at it. I thought about it. I remained loyal whatever she did [I]and she pulled some doozies.[/I] I wouldn't even let my mom talk badly about her. Not that anyone could stop my mother, but I never encouraged her. So I think it is not something we did, Serenity. I was afraid my sister would come to my house with her husband and my mother and I would feel [I]terrible[/I], remember that? That was in June of this year! Then I was afraid of the phone call. But by the time it came, I was better enough to handle it well. And it wasn't even scary. Huh. I feel so differently now, feel so much more at home in my own home, at home with and proud of and happy with, my own D H, than I have since they started this smear campaign on us, on our stuff, on [I]our own children and boy, I could spit about that one.[/I] The thing is, I didn't know what families were supposed to do, how they could be supportive of all of us ~ not just D H and I, but the kids, too. I just didn't know. Now I do. Well, I at least I know, like I always do, what families do [I]not[/I] do. It was never anything you did, Serenity. It was not who you were. It is, and it has always been, who sister is. She doesn't even know you, Serenity. She doesn't even know who you are. She is vested in you being who she needs you to be for her to feel better about herself. Now, we know. I think you will find that they blow up what you feel ashamed about ~ a time you feel your behavior was not up to your standards, into felonies. That is why, when we try to figure it out about how that was the reason this or that happened, the reaction doesn't make sense for the supposed crime. They just want the reaction. You could have done anything, anything at all, and the result would have been the same. She always intended to do just what she did, just the way she did it. I think that is true. If we were not so shame based, we never would have fallen for any of it right from the beginning. Add the mother wound; add, as Copa teaches us, the younger sister identifying with the abuser. Add pseudo mom, and the whole, sorry mess that is. That's who they "think" if they think at all, that's who they think we are. And they are so angry Serenity because I think they know we are not what they say. They go all ballistic, and start naming us scientific names they don't even know the meaning of, but the meaner, the better. And you know what you did, in your kindness and confusion and from that shame your mom hurt into you? You said, "Oh, no. How sad for me! [I]I will do better.[/I] [I]And you did.[/I] [I]But you were never what she insisted you were.[/I] You never were, Serenity. So sister brought in a witness. You don't know that he ever said that. Sister was wrong. And I think that, like my sister, she knew it. That's why my sister has to walk with the Lord. Everybody else gets it that she's full of it. Except for me. But now, I get it, too. I think so, too. I am glad you did that, Serenity. The remainder of your post was about extended family and the strangenesses there. And that has to be true, of course. Our families are working things out as best they can. For this time, when I am still so new to seeing and assigning responsibility to the person for what they undeniably did do, I don't want to understand them. I want to blame them for what they did. I do. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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