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Family of Origin
In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 666133" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Yes.</p><p>Yes. Or else, the reaction (as opposed to response) would be based upon old shame-based feelings. </p><p></p><p>But the thing is this: Look at Donald Trump. Do you think he is reacting from shame?? </p><p></p><p>Now, when I read even one word of the note I wrote Modesta (that I did not even remember) I feel such horrible shame for my anger...I cannot bear it. </p><p>Was I arrogant on this board? Is that is what is revealed here? Or do I feel shame at the strength of my viewpoint and voice...as if it is a pretense and any pride in myself a sham and undeserved?</p><p>OK. This make sense. I am tearing up here. I am not clear why. Is it what I wrote above, that I do not believe I deserve the pride of having a true voice? Or is it something else, that I had the momentarily wish and hope that the 3 of us together can create an alternate safer place...which will be both strong...and a risk... and hopeful...and I fear I do not deserve that? Or that there is not enough trust in me to hope something so nice...</p><p>Yes. I agree. </p><p>Still, I do not know about the role stuff...but I could be convinced. I believe that my sister sets her sights on me with my name. Not my role.</p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>Serenity, your sister sounds very, very trapped. She may feel like she is trying to work her way out of it...but she is very invested, I think, in staying inside.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>But, the thing is I loved my mother. I loved the person who did this to me.</p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>How sad for me and for each of us. I dampened my love that I could feel for her, as she lived, because she had proven herself so dangerous to me. And I could not back down from that...completely...And blamed myself for it after her death.</p><p>Yes. And no. Because here I have the incident of Admina and Modesta.</p><p>This is really hard, when there is shame.</p><p>And if we love them?</p><p>Hard to do.</p><p>A person who needs and craves power.</p><p></p><p>Who needs to feel that she is the decider of worth..and that she can on a whim decide who or not is worthy of love and care. Or any other virtue. </p><p></p><p>I see your mother as doing this, too, Cedar.</p><p>And this is an Aunt?</p><p>OK. I will try.</p><p>This is how I felt with Modesta.</p><p>This is what I did with Admina. And then Modesta took over.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 666133, member: 18958"] Yes. Yes. Or else, the reaction (as opposed to response) would be based upon old shame-based feelings. But the thing is this: Look at Donald Trump. Do you think he is reacting from shame?? Now, when I read even one word of the note I wrote Modesta (that I did not even remember) I feel such horrible shame for my anger...I cannot bear it. Was I arrogant on this board? Is that is what is revealed here? Or do I feel shame at the strength of my viewpoint and voice...as if it is a pretense and any pride in myself a sham and undeserved? OK. This make sense. I am tearing up here. I am not clear why. Is it what I wrote above, that I do not believe I deserve the pride of having a true voice? Or is it something else, that I had the momentarily wish and hope that the 3 of us together can create an alternate safer place...which will be both strong...and a risk... and hopeful...and I fear I do not deserve that? Or that there is not enough trust in me to hope something so nice... Yes. I agree. Still, I do not know about the role stuff...but I could be convinced. I believe that my sister sets her sights on me with my name. Not my role. Yes. Serenity, your sister sounds very, very trapped. She may feel like she is trying to work her way out of it...but she is very invested, I think, in staying inside. Yes. Yes. But, the thing is I loved my mother. I loved the person who did this to me. Yes. How sad for me and for each of us. I dampened my love that I could feel for her, as she lived, because she had proven herself so dangerous to me. And I could not back down from that...completely...And blamed myself for it after her death. Yes. And no. Because here I have the incident of Admina and Modesta. This is really hard, when there is shame. And if we love them? Hard to do. A person who needs and craves power. Who needs to feel that she is the decider of worth..and that she can on a whim decide who or not is worthy of love and care. Or any other virtue. I see your mother as doing this, too, Cedar. And this is an Aunt? OK. I will try. This is how I felt with Modesta. This is what I did with Admina. And then Modesta took over. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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