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Family of Origin
In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 666139" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I want to share something of the events of yesterday.</p><p></p><p>The attorney who was my mother's attorney is this really menschy guy. He is the type of man who takes on all kinds of responsibilities in his community...in a powerful way. He is the managing partner of his firm. He can be scary. He is decisive. He takes control. His anger is towering. His clients are VIP's.</p><p></p><p>And with me? He hugs and kisses me. When we departed, he audibly made a kissing noise, as I left the office.</p><p></p><p>He calls himself my friend. And he takes the role of friendship. When I became so depressed after my mother's death, he would not let me be.</p><p></p><p>He volunteered to be the person, if M is not here, to decide for me in health care decisions if I am incapacitated. He volunteered to be a trustee for the special needs trust of my son...</p><p></p><p>The strangest thing is this. I can see he is a person worthy of respect. I can see that this person worthy of and commanding respect...respects me...and I can see that I must be a person worthy of respect and to be admired. This I know, because I have been admired and respected by good people....</p><p></p><p>But there is something in me that feels the imposter. Like I know I am a person worthy of respect because others do and have respected me...not because of what I feel myself to be. I deserve respect for what I know myself to be. Not what I feel myself to be.</p><p></p><p>But that inside of myself, I feel that the only way I can know it to be so...that I am a deserving person...is because others LIKE THE ATTORNEY respect me. Or like M...</p><p></p><p>But I am not like M. He does not need one other person in the world to respect him. He respects himself.</p><p></p><p>I only feel worthy of respect and love...by the reflection of somebody else. Not in myself.</p><p></p><p>And that makes me feel sad and bad.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 666139, member: 18958"] I want to share something of the events of yesterday. The attorney who was my mother's attorney is this really menschy guy. He is the type of man who takes on all kinds of responsibilities in his community...in a powerful way. He is the managing partner of his firm. He can be scary. He is decisive. He takes control. His anger is towering. His clients are VIP's. And with me? He hugs and kisses me. When we departed, he audibly made a kissing noise, as I left the office. He calls himself my friend. And he takes the role of friendship. When I became so depressed after my mother's death, he would not let me be. He volunteered to be the person, if M is not here, to decide for me in health care decisions if I am incapacitated. He volunteered to be a trustee for the special needs trust of my son... The strangest thing is this. I can see he is a person worthy of respect. I can see that this person worthy of and commanding respect...respects me...and I can see that I must be a person worthy of respect and to be admired. This I know, because I have been admired and respected by good people.... But there is something in me that feels the imposter. Like I know I am a person worthy of respect because others do and have respected me...not because of what I feel myself to be. I deserve respect for what I know myself to be. Not what I feel myself to be. But that inside of myself, I feel that the only way I can know it to be so...that I am a deserving person...is because others LIKE THE ATTORNEY respect me. Or like M... But I am not like M. He does not need one other person in the world to respect him. He respects himself. I only feel worthy of respect and love...by the reflection of somebody else. Not in myself. And that makes me feel sad and bad. COPA [/QUOTE]
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In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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