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Family of Origin
In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 666145" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I use the word imposter, copying your use of it, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>I do not know what the word is for me...it may be because I did not yet have words to describe the gap between feelings and deeds, my own or those of others.</p><p></p><p>I do not feel accused as imposter. I feel as if the identity that I created all of my life was as if against, in defiance of how I was named, or treated by others. </p><p></p><p>But that primary identity, the feeling state of it, makes me unable to ever take as real or take in completely...any achievement....that my real identity is my mother buying me black and white striped slacks for my doctoral graduation...from what is thought by some as the best university in the world...that I achieved after she had robbed me.</p><p></p><p>So it must have been my mother who named me as undeserving. Even that which I earn of my own efforts and my own strengths.</p><p></p><p>This attorney was somebody like my mother would have wanted me to marry. Even when M was with me, my mother said to me...I wish you could be with somebody like him (the attorney.) Who was she denouncing as not good enough, me or M? Or the both of us. </p><p></p><p>The way I saw it at the time was that my mother was saying she would have wanted to attract a man like the attorney...and never did or could have.</p><p>But this makes me feel like you think Modista was right...that I have been acting as a role, not a person.</p><p></p><p>I do not want to think you think that, Cedar. About me. </p><p></p><p>There are so many questions: I am so self-effacing. Is that the act? I feel like "What's my line?" Will the real COPA please stand up.</p><p></p><p>I am now going to re-read your post, Cedar. There is so much there.</p><p></p><p>All I know is that I am a very, very afraid person. And I do not know of what.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 666145, member: 18958"] I use the word imposter, copying your use of it, Cedar. I do not know what the word is for me...it may be because I did not yet have words to describe the gap between feelings and deeds, my own or those of others. I do not feel accused as imposter. I feel as if the identity that I created all of my life was as if against, in defiance of how I was named, or treated by others. But that primary identity, the feeling state of it, makes me unable to ever take as real or take in completely...any achievement....that my real identity is my mother buying me black and white striped slacks for my doctoral graduation...from what is thought by some as the best university in the world...that I achieved after she had robbed me. So it must have been my mother who named me as undeserving. Even that which I earn of my own efforts and my own strengths. This attorney was somebody like my mother would have wanted me to marry. Even when M was with me, my mother said to me...I wish you could be with somebody like him (the attorney.) Who was she denouncing as not good enough, me or M? Or the both of us. The way I saw it at the time was that my mother was saying she would have wanted to attract a man like the attorney...and never did or could have. But this makes me feel like you think Modista was right...that I have been acting as a role, not a person. I do not want to think you think that, Cedar. About me. There are so many questions: I am so self-effacing. Is that the act? I feel like "What's my line?" Will the real COPA please stand up. I am now going to re-read your post, Cedar. There is so much there. All I know is that I am a very, very afraid person. And I do not know of what. [/QUOTE]
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In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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