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In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 666485" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I believe our sisters feel intense animosity toward us because our involvement, at any level, awakens feelings of inadequacy in the eyes of the mother and keys abandonment issues by the mother. </p><p></p><p>That is why physical possession of the mother <em>to the exclusion of the other sibs</em> matters so much to them.</p><p></p><p>That is what this looks like to me, this afternoon. </p><p></p><p>In my FOO, the brothers, not only poorly but toxically mothered, are not able to stand and claim what they want and need from the mother. For my brother to have stood up to my mother on the way his grands were being treated was extraordinarily out of character for him. (That is when she gave the tire-rimming machine away on condition that the person take it <em>that day.)</em> From you Copa, or from me or Serenity (though her mom seems to have cherished her son) there has always been rebellion. We have always seen what was not right ~ and rebelled against it, often to the point of providing for our sibs what our mothers were not providing.</p><p></p><p>Given the change in my sister's behavior since my father's death Copa, I wonder whether your sister's patterns were similar to what my sister is doing, now.</p><p></p><p>One of the incidents you have posted about was your sister's rage at having been thwarted in the mother's nursing home placement.</p><p></p><p>Could it be that, in believing you excluded forever, your sister felt not only securely validated in her relationship to the mother, but chosen over you? Could it be that, when you returned, your sister experienced intense rage having to do with the mother's seeming desertion/abandonment of her? Could it be that the sisters feel that any claim on the mother's attention or affection threatens the sister's chosen child / favored child status, reawakening abandonment fears? </p><p></p><p>This dynamic could explain my sister's intense hatred of the man who wanted to marry my mom, too.</p><p></p><p>That explanation would explain what I have seen in my FOO since my father's death.</p><p></p><p>One of the things that is so disconcerting to me is that my sister seems to need to celebrate a kind of exclusivity, a kind of ownership of, the parents. Remember my posting about my sister's elation as she performed pirouettes around the kitchen in her joy at having her parents visiting her home. Remember my sister's intense dislike of the Greek orthodox priest. Just as there is so little that makes sense about our sisters' behaviors toward each of us, if we draw back a little to see other patterns in the sister's interaction with the mother, what we see is that what the sisters celebrate is chosen child status.</p><p></p><p>That is the threat we represent to them.</p><p></p><p>And they do hold deep animosity toward us.</p><p></p><p>And, one more time, it was never about us. It is about the patterns the grandiosity-addicted mother set up in her family. </p><p></p><p>I think we cannot fix this, either.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 666485, member: 17461"] I believe our sisters feel intense animosity toward us because our involvement, at any level, awakens feelings of inadequacy in the eyes of the mother and keys abandonment issues by the mother. That is why physical possession of the mother [I]to the exclusion of the other sibs[/I] matters so much to them. That is what this looks like to me, this afternoon. In my FOO, the brothers, not only poorly but toxically mothered, are not able to stand and claim what they want and need from the mother. For my brother to have stood up to my mother on the way his grands were being treated was extraordinarily out of character for him. (That is when she gave the tire-rimming machine away on condition that the person take it [I]that day.)[/I] From you Copa, or from me or Serenity (though her mom seems to have cherished her son) there has always been rebellion. We have always seen what was not right ~ and rebelled against it, often to the point of providing for our sibs what our mothers were not providing. Given the change in my sister's behavior since my father's death Copa, I wonder whether your sister's patterns were similar to what my sister is doing, now. One of the incidents you have posted about was your sister's rage at having been thwarted in the mother's nursing home placement. Could it be that, in believing you excluded forever, your sister felt not only securely validated in her relationship to the mother, but chosen over you? Could it be that, when you returned, your sister experienced intense rage having to do with the mother's seeming desertion/abandonment of her? Could it be that the sisters feel that any claim on the mother's attention or affection threatens the sister's chosen child / favored child status, reawakening abandonment fears? This dynamic could explain my sister's intense hatred of the man who wanted to marry my mom, too. That explanation would explain what I have seen in my FOO since my father's death. One of the things that is so disconcerting to me is that my sister seems to need to celebrate a kind of exclusivity, a kind of ownership of, the parents. Remember my posting about my sister's elation as she performed pirouettes around the kitchen in her joy at having her parents visiting her home. Remember my sister's intense dislike of the Greek orthodox priest. Just as there is so little that makes sense about our sisters' behaviors toward each of us, if we draw back a little to see other patterns in the sister's interaction with the mother, what we see is that what the sisters celebrate is chosen child status. That is the threat we represent to them. And they do hold deep animosity toward us. And, one more time, it was never about us. It is about the patterns the grandiosity-addicted mother set up in her family. I think we cannot fix this, either. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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