Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Interesting Emotional Response
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 609081" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Cedar, your words seem more compassionate and kind towards yourself. This is good. </p><p></p><p>I think those of us with traumatic memories have that tendency to be unkind to ourselves..........it makes me sad for all of us........</p><p></p><p>I recall a therapist telling me that I had "survivor guilt" where my siblings were concerned. Like you. I used to have a recurring dream for many years about my younger brother, who turned out to be schizophrenic............he was stuck in a tiny house in a huge wheat field............I could see the tiny house and I just kept frantically running towards it, crying, trying to get to him..............but I never got any closer...........I would just spend what felt like the whole night running as fast as I could, so desperate to "save" him..........and I never got there. That pretty much sums up how I felt.....a lot. Sums up a lot of my life too. It's pretty weighty to carry that responsibility as a little kid. I don't have that dream anymore. I think 2 1/2 decades of therapy finally healed that guilt.</p><p></p><p>Guilt requires punishment. I'm happy to have stopped punishing myself.</p><p></p><p>You know, one positive way to look at this Cedar is that all of these old traumas have been initiated by your daughter's present issues.......it's all come out now for you to do whatever you need to do to release it ...........my experience and understanding is that is how healing works, the stuff comes up when we're ready and then we can find a way to let it go..............</p><p></p><p>At times that old "stuff" is stronger then we are, but, at some point, I think we recognize that we are strong enough to face our own demons. My own fears about walking through that were essentially unfounded................walking through it has <em>nothing</em> over living with it...................and once it is dealt with, expressed, addressed, looked at and ultimately let go of............we are then free..........</p><p></p><p>In these last two years my daughter forced many issues..........brought to the fore my own "stuff" and my unwillingness/willingness to face it..........but there it was.............unearthed now, so quite a bit more difficult to squash down..............</p><p></p><p>I was reading one of Witz's posts about crying earlier...........I thought of so many times in the last couple of years where I just let myself let it out, all those held in tears.............there has been something profoundly cathartic in these mini breakdowns..............as if I was releasing much of my own hurts, my own sorrows, separate from difficult child, but similar in that I was responding in ways I had as a child but this time I was safe enough to express those feelings..................and boy oh boy did I...............and now, over here at this point in time, I'm so glad I did................it's freed me of much of that early trauma I didn't even know was still there. As that Dr. told me, <em>the body never forgets.</em>.............it was stored in there waiting for me to feel safe enough to let it go................</p><p></p><p>Mental illness has many casualties Cedar, not just our daughters, our parents and our siblings............but us too..............my entire life has been colored by it, marked by it ..........it put me on a path I never would have been on. My sister, (bi-polar/Aspergers) created a piece of art once.........it was all black and grey, abstract..........horrid to look at...........scary even..............dark and intense.........all the color mushed together..............we were hanging it for an art show............it was the first time I had seen that piece. As I was looking at it, I said, "it reminds me of our childhood." She stopped what she was doing, stared at me and said, "it's the house we grew up in." Oh my. </p><p></p><p>But right now, it feels as if that is all in the past. Really. I wanted it to stay in the past, but (I believe) until those traumas are liberated from us, we are not liberated.</p><p></p><p>I know how much suffering there is for us parents, I know it in my heart and I read it here everyday..........it is unfathomable. You add the early trauma and it can overtake us. I had an early commitment to get through all of this "stuff" and I've been at that task for 40 years............and you know what? Now I'm done. Life is short. I don't want to spend it suffering over anything I have no control over anyway. I refuse to allow my past to rule my present. If I had to stand on my head and spit wooden nickels then I did that. But now? No. I am going to put it all behind me, if that includes my suffering over my daughter's choices then I will learn how to do it. I am learning. I have learned. Something, a new something has unhooked............is it detachment? I don't know. I am just thinking less and less and...........less.........of <em>anything or anyone </em>I can't control............I am holding on to my moments as if they mean more then time spent ruminating over things I can't change...........because <em>they do</em>..............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 609081, member: 13542"] Cedar, your words seem more compassionate and kind towards yourself. This is good. I think those of us with traumatic memories have that tendency to be unkind to ourselves..........it makes me sad for all of us........ I recall a therapist telling me that I had "survivor guilt" where my siblings were concerned. Like you. I used to have a recurring dream for many years about my younger brother, who turned out to be schizophrenic............he was stuck in a tiny house in a huge wheat field............I could see the tiny house and I just kept frantically running towards it, crying, trying to get to him..............but I never got any closer...........I would just spend what felt like the whole night running as fast as I could, so desperate to "save" him..........and I never got there. That pretty much sums up how I felt.....a lot. Sums up a lot of my life too. It's pretty weighty to carry that responsibility as a little kid. I don't have that dream anymore. I think 2 1/2 decades of therapy finally healed that guilt. Guilt requires punishment. I'm happy to have stopped punishing myself. You know, one positive way to look at this Cedar is that all of these old traumas have been initiated by your daughter's present issues.......it's all come out now for you to do whatever you need to do to release it ...........my experience and understanding is that is how healing works, the stuff comes up when we're ready and then we can find a way to let it go.............. At times that old "stuff" is stronger then we are, but, at some point, I think we recognize that we are strong enough to face our own demons. My own fears about walking through that were essentially unfounded................walking through it has [I]nothing[/I] over living with it...................and once it is dealt with, expressed, addressed, looked at and ultimately let go of............we are then free.......... In these last two years my daughter forced many issues..........brought to the fore my own "stuff" and my unwillingness/willingness to face it..........but there it was.............unearthed now, so quite a bit more difficult to squash down.............. I was reading one of Witz's posts about crying earlier...........I thought of so many times in the last couple of years where I just let myself let it out, all those held in tears.............there has been something profoundly cathartic in these mini breakdowns..............as if I was releasing much of my own hurts, my own sorrows, separate from difficult child, but similar in that I was responding in ways I had as a child but this time I was safe enough to express those feelings..................and boy oh boy did I...............and now, over here at this point in time, I'm so glad I did................it's freed me of much of that early trauma I didn't even know was still there. As that Dr. told me, [I]the body never forgets.[/I].............it was stored in there waiting for me to feel safe enough to let it go................ Mental illness has many casualties Cedar, not just our daughters, our parents and our siblings............but us too..............my entire life has been colored by it, marked by it ..........it put me on a path I never would have been on. My sister, (bi-polar/Aspergers) created a piece of art once.........it was all black and grey, abstract..........horrid to look at...........scary even..............dark and intense.........all the color mushed together..............we were hanging it for an art show............it was the first time I had seen that piece. As I was looking at it, I said, "it reminds me of our childhood." She stopped what she was doing, stared at me and said, "it's the house we grew up in." Oh my. But right now, it feels as if that is all in the past. Really. I wanted it to stay in the past, but (I believe) until those traumas are liberated from us, we are not liberated. I know how much suffering there is for us parents, I know it in my heart and I read it here everyday..........it is unfathomable. You add the early trauma and it can overtake us. I had an early commitment to get through all of this "stuff" and I've been at that task for 40 years............and you know what? Now I'm done. Life is short. I don't want to spend it suffering over anything I have no control over anyway. I refuse to allow my past to rule my present. If I had to stand on my head and spit wooden nickels then I did that. But now? No. I am going to put it all behind me, if that includes my suffering over my daughter's choices then I will learn how to do it. I am learning. I have learned. Something, a new something has unhooked............is it detachment? I don't know. I am just thinking less and less and...........less.........of [I]anything or anyone [/I]I can't control............I am holding on to my moments as if they mean more then time spent ruminating over things I can't change...........because [I]they do[/I].............. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Interesting Emotional Response
Top