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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 610491" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Well, that's the thing, I think. Some of us have problems that can be addressed by envisioning letting go of the feelings that attend them. For others of us, the problems, and the anticipation of the trauma they will engender, cannot be dealt with that way, because they haven't happened, yet. Our torture is ongoing. I don't think there is a way to look at a real-time, I-know-its-coming-but-I-don't-know-when dreaded event without waves of anxiety periodically washing over and overwhelming us.</p><p></p><p>This summer, when we were very sure difficult child daughter was not going to survive ~ or at least, not with mental faculties intact ~ the only comfort we could take was in preparing ourselves for that result. It was grievously sad to do that, but it cushioned the day and night, minute to minute, horror of what was happening. The anxiety of waiting for the blow to fall abated a little because in our minds, the outcome was a foregone conclusion. We had no hope. So, we could go on. You cannot really do that though, because you don't know what the outcome is going to be. </p><p></p><p>Do you think it would help Witz, if you envisioned the worst case scenario where your father is concerned, and began to deal with it as though the traumatic event had already happened?</p><p></p><p>Uncertainty itself is part of the trauma. Once a thing is done, we can have a look at it and deal with whatever trauma it caused. Isn't there something ~ I don't remember what it is called, Witz. But there is a name for that kind of anticipatory pain. It has to do with helplessness, and with locus of control. There were some pretty horrific experiments done surrounding those issues. Something to the effect that it was far more damaging for the subject to have no idea of what the pain would be or when it was coming. Those subjects who could understand why they were being hurt, or those who could learn the pattern to the pain and so, make an effort to avoid it ~ whether they avoided it successfully or not ~ survived the experiment without the devastating long-term effects experienced by those who could make no sense of why or when the painful shocks would be delivered. </p><p></p><p>You don't owe these people ~ your family ~ your peace, Witz. Your life is meant to be celebrated and cherished, not lived in dreadful anticipation of what people who have already tried to harm you for their own sakes are going to say or do to break and blame you, again.</p><p></p><p>Publically, if they can do it, the rats.</p><p></p><p></p><p>*****************</p><p></p><p>Witz, I know it isn't fair, but you have to keep trying to walk, and to go about your daily activities. When the day comes that you truly cannot do these things anymore, you will be able to look back and know you lived as fully and as courageously as it was possible to do. That is important. Things like that tell us who we really are. Whatever our families taught us about ourselves may be wrong, or it may be good and right. In the end, it is up to us to define and claim our own reality.</p><p></p><p>OKAY. AND THEN, WHEN I TRIED TO POST THIS? THE REST OF THE POST SPUN OFF INTO CYBERSPACE. GRRR....</p><p></p><p>Maybe this was all I was meant to say. So, instead of trying to figure out what I said and reposting, I will do this: Witz, you are fighting a courageous battle. It doesn't feel much like you're winning, but you made the decision to take a look at it, and you are naming the problems clearly. That is a first and really important step. You will be able to figure all this out for yourself. It's really hard to change how we were taught to see ourselves. Part of what I said in the lost part of this post had to do with the role of family scapegoat. This is like, the designated bad guy in the family. Because everyone acknowledges that it is the scapegoat who is the bad guy, the family can go on its merry, dysfunctional way guilt and responsibility-free. Then, I said again that you do not have to suffer for them, anymore. There is no scapegoat in healthy families, Witz. That there is a scapegoat in your family (you) says everything about your family and nothing at all about you ~ except that you've been targeted and hurt, time after time, for their benefit. They will never change, Witz. But you can decide not to believe them, anymore. It isn't that you need to say you have no family. Just explain that you no longer see your family. </p><p></p><p>That's it.</p><p></p><p>That's all anyone has to know.</p><p></p><p>Then? I said something funny about maybe having been wrong. But I can't remember now how that went, either.</p><p></p><p>Well, shoot.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 610491, member: 1721"] Well, that's the thing, I think. Some of us have problems that can be addressed by envisioning letting go of the feelings that attend them. For others of us, the problems, and the anticipation of the trauma they will engender, cannot be dealt with that way, because they haven't happened, yet. Our torture is ongoing. I don't think there is a way to look at a real-time, I-know-its-coming-but-I-don't-know-when dreaded event without waves of anxiety periodically washing over and overwhelming us. This summer, when we were very sure difficult child daughter was not going to survive ~ or at least, not with mental faculties intact ~ the only comfort we could take was in preparing ourselves for that result. It was grievously sad to do that, but it cushioned the day and night, minute to minute, horror of what was happening. The anxiety of waiting for the blow to fall abated a little because in our minds, the outcome was a foregone conclusion. We had no hope. So, we could go on. You cannot really do that though, because you don't know what the outcome is going to be. Do you think it would help Witz, if you envisioned the worst case scenario where your father is concerned, and began to deal with it as though the traumatic event had already happened? Uncertainty itself is part of the trauma. Once a thing is done, we can have a look at it and deal with whatever trauma it caused. Isn't there something ~ I don't remember what it is called, Witz. But there is a name for that kind of anticipatory pain. It has to do with helplessness, and with locus of control. There were some pretty horrific experiments done surrounding those issues. Something to the effect that it was far more damaging for the subject to have no idea of what the pain would be or when it was coming. Those subjects who could understand why they were being hurt, or those who could learn the pattern to the pain and so, make an effort to avoid it ~ whether they avoided it successfully or not ~ survived the experiment without the devastating long-term effects experienced by those who could make no sense of why or when the painful shocks would be delivered. You don't owe these people ~ your family ~ your peace, Witz. Your life is meant to be celebrated and cherished, not lived in dreadful anticipation of what people who have already tried to harm you for their own sakes are going to say or do to break and blame you, again. Publically, if they can do it, the rats. ***************** Witz, I know it isn't fair, but you have to keep trying to walk, and to go about your daily activities. When the day comes that you truly cannot do these things anymore, you will be able to look back and know you lived as fully and as courageously as it was possible to do. That is important. Things like that tell us who we really are. Whatever our families taught us about ourselves may be wrong, or it may be good and right. In the end, it is up to us to define and claim our own reality. OKAY. AND THEN, WHEN I TRIED TO POST THIS? THE REST OF THE POST SPUN OFF INTO CYBERSPACE. GRRR.... Maybe this was all I was meant to say. So, instead of trying to figure out what I said and reposting, I will do this: Witz, you are fighting a courageous battle. It doesn't feel much like you're winning, but you made the decision to take a look at it, and you are naming the problems clearly. That is a first and really important step. You will be able to figure all this out for yourself. It's really hard to change how we were taught to see ourselves. Part of what I said in the lost part of this post had to do with the role of family scapegoat. This is like, the designated bad guy in the family. Because everyone acknowledges that it is the scapegoat who is the bad guy, the family can go on its merry, dysfunctional way guilt and responsibility-free. Then, I said again that you do not have to suffer for them, anymore. There is no scapegoat in healthy families, Witz. That there is a scapegoat in your family (you) says everything about your family and nothing at all about you ~ except that you've been targeted and hurt, time after time, for their benefit. They will never change, Witz. But you can decide not to believe them, anymore. It isn't that you need to say you have no family. Just explain that you no longer see your family. That's it. That's all anyone has to know. Then? I said something funny about maybe having been wrong. But I can't remember now how that went, either. Well, shoot. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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