Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Intermittent Fasting
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 689076" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>RE is asking me here about my plan for self-care (actually to avoid abandoning myself completely) when I return to work in 2 weeks to prison.</p><p></p><p>Actually, no. I am panic stricken. If I had thought about this better--from a position of actually caring for myself, wanting to protect myself, wanting to ensure my well-being, I would have achieved health and healthy patterns, first.</p><p></p><p>Instead I did this (submitted the application) from a mindset of desperation (unnecessary)--the sense that there was and would be total catastrophe if I did not return to work. Yes. I have depleted resources, not working--and not thinking pro-actively. Yes. The expenses of repair to properties, has been huge. Materials, and employing 2 men. But the wolves were not yet at the door.</p><p></p><p>I am stressing here that I am living (still) out of a poverty mindset. And more. I am living from a self-brutalizing mindset. While I would never in a million years treat any other person this way, I treat myself as an inadequate, lazy, shirking, nothing who has to get into shape. I take the eyes and the viewpoint of the harshest boss and critic, in anticipating how I will be seen.</p><p></p><p>Instead of taking my own point of view, as responsible for caring for and protecting myself.</p><p></p><p>How it has manifested in the last few days is this: telling myself by the time I start, in 2 weeks, I have to be able to easily walk ten thousand steps daily in the heat... Panicking that they will see that I pant sometimes (mild Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) was diagnosed last year); don't see good (get those new glasses); lose five percent of my weight!!! Have adjusted to getting up at five (going to bed at 9).</p><p></p><p>Already I am worried about being treated mean by co-workers.</p><p></p><p>The problem is: In my own mind much of the time I do not take my own side. I come to see myself as <em>they may</em>: Fat and sick and old (and slightly ditzy and vulnerable--OK. This is really cruel, and really looking at myself as prey. I am feminine. Not ditzy, because ditzy, I just looked up, meaning harebrained and stupid and foolish. I am none of those things. Only human. See how this gets out of control?).</p><p></p><p>You see, I inspire envy and I inspire contempt. (But in fairness, where does the contempt come from--is it about me or somebody else?) What are my crimes?</p><p></p><p>I feel and show compassion where there is little.</p><p>I travel to my own drum.</p><p>I am unpretentious and in some ways, humble.</p><p></p><p>Those have been central choices of my life. Not in rebellion, but with purpose. (Oh, how I am beginning to regret this choice (in some ways) to go back to prison. Is this what M was afraid of, or did he want to begin caring for myself, by working for myself where I could have more protection, control, and potentially esteem and care (by my own self)?</p><p></p><p>Can I not feel compassion for myself (even in a cruel setting)?</p><p></p><p>If I decided to embrace myself now to prepare to return to work (this idea the gift from RE) it would have to begin with a different (radically different) mindset towards myself.</p><p></p><p>First, I would slow down now. (The only things that must be done are the TB test, buy a few clothes and a bit of makeup, and get eyeglasses.)</p><p></p><p>These things are optional: practice driving to the prison; practice getting up at 5 am. Because once that day comes I will get a grip. I have before and I will again. (I do not have Alzheimer's yet. Am I buying into this ageist thing? )</p><p></p><p>As far as wheezing, I may wheeze. (I do not hear myself.) And I may find the distances to walk in the heat, difficult, at first.</p><p></p><p>I can choose to stop. Or I can treat myself kindly. With patience. I can stay centered in myself. Looking out for myself, reassuring myself. I do not have to abandon myself. I do not have to beat myself up.</p><p></p><p>I can learn this.</p><p></p><p>Prisons are some of the most cruel places in the world. I have been treated very, very cruelly in the past (by staff). I do not have to tolerate it. I have nothing to prove. I can speak up for myself and I can leave, or stay as I choose.</p><p></p><p>I can choose for myself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 689076, member: 18958"] RE is asking me here about my plan for self-care (actually to avoid abandoning myself completely) when I return to work in 2 weeks to prison. Actually, no. I am panic stricken. If I had thought about this better--from a position of actually caring for myself, wanting to protect myself, wanting to ensure my well-being, I would have achieved health and healthy patterns, first. Instead I did this (submitted the application) from a mindset of desperation (unnecessary)--the sense that there was and would be total catastrophe if I did not return to work. Yes. I have depleted resources, not working--and not thinking pro-actively. Yes. The expenses of repair to properties, has been huge. Materials, and employing 2 men. But the wolves were not yet at the door. I am stressing here that I am living (still) out of a poverty mindset. And more. I am living from a self-brutalizing mindset. While I would never in a million years treat any other person this way, I treat myself as an inadequate, lazy, shirking, nothing who has to get into shape. I take the eyes and the viewpoint of the harshest boss and critic, in anticipating how I will be seen. Instead of taking my own point of view, as responsible for caring for and protecting myself. How it has manifested in the last few days is this: telling myself by the time I start, in 2 weeks, I have to be able to easily walk ten thousand steps daily in the heat... Panicking that they will see that I pant sometimes (mild Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) was diagnosed last year); don't see good (get those new glasses); lose five percent of my weight!!! Have adjusted to getting up at five (going to bed at 9). Already I am worried about being treated mean by co-workers. The problem is: In my own mind much of the time I do not take my own side. I come to see myself as [I]they may[/I]: Fat and sick and old (and slightly ditzy and vulnerable--OK. This is really cruel, and really looking at myself as prey. I am feminine. Not ditzy, because ditzy, I just looked up, meaning harebrained and stupid and foolish. I am none of those things. Only human. See how this gets out of control?). You see, I inspire envy and I inspire contempt. (But in fairness, where does the contempt come from--is it about me or somebody else?) What are my crimes? I feel and show compassion where there is little. I travel to my own drum. I am unpretentious and in some ways, humble. Those have been central choices of my life. Not in rebellion, but with purpose. (Oh, how I am beginning to regret this choice (in some ways) to go back to prison. Is this what M was afraid of, or did he want to begin caring for myself, by working for myself where I could have more protection, control, and potentially esteem and care (by my own self)? Can I not feel compassion for myself (even in a cruel setting)? If I decided to embrace myself now to prepare to return to work (this idea the gift from RE) it would have to begin with a different (radically different) mindset towards myself. First, I would slow down now. (The only things that must be done are the TB test, buy a few clothes and a bit of makeup, and get eyeglasses.) These things are optional: practice driving to the prison; practice getting up at 5 am. Because once that day comes I will get a grip. I have before and I will again. (I do not have Alzheimer's yet. Am I buying into this ageist thing? ) As far as wheezing, I may wheeze. (I do not hear myself.) And I may find the distances to walk in the heat, difficult, at first. I can choose to stop. Or I can treat myself kindly. With patience. I can stay centered in myself. Looking out for myself, reassuring myself. I do not have to abandon myself. I do not have to beat myself up. I can learn this. Prisons are some of the most cruel places in the world. I have been treated very, very cruelly in the past (by staff). I do not have to tolerate it. I have nothing to prove. I can speak up for myself and I can leave, or stay as I choose. I can choose for myself. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Intermittent Fasting
Top