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Is it ever ok to just be "done?"
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<blockquote data-quote="rebelson" data-source="post: 687541" data-attributes="member: 19966"><p>Walrus,</p><p></p><p>I wish I had more of your anger & 'doneness'. Ha. Our Difficult Child's are similar in lots of ways, not all though. But, I can tell that your dtr really gets under your skin.</p><p></p><p>As for the verbal abuse from my son, I seem mostly unfazed by it, in the 'anger' aspect. Now, when he calls me in rages and saying awful, wretched, crazzzzy things to and about me, I get 'a sick and terrified' feeling. Not anger so much. If I do feel anger the next day, it's because I am totally pissed that he put me through that terror. I could see THOSE kinds of calls pushing me to near 'doneness', but not the things he <em><strong>says</strong></em> so much.</p><p></p><p>Actually, it's kind of interesting, this is. That I do not really reach the point of anger when he calls me demeaning me, cutting me down. You know what I think it is? I am able to step back and take what he says for what it is. <strong>Untrue BS, coming from an addict with real issues. </strong>I apparently seem really able to separate myself from the insults. One factor that could be different, is that my verbally abusive d_c is a male and yours is a female. Would I get more ticked if my d_c were a dtr? Good question!</p><p></p><p>Now, if a sober friend of mine did this to me, I think I'd be pissed and DONE.</p><p></p><p>Reacting as I do might seem tempting. But, there are drawbacks, I see this now. Because I do not really feel a true anger reaction to him in these rants, my reaction is just to hang up and then when he calls me again (next hour, day or week), like nothing occurred? I seem to be happy and normal just like he is. I say nothing of the ranting, raging, vitriol-filled phone call. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite9" alt=":eek:" title="Eek! :eek:" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":eek:" /> In other words, he is never 'held accountable' by me, for the things he said. Or, for the sick feeling, terror he put me through. </p><p></p><p>This has been sending him a bad, bad message. A message that it is OK to do so to me. This is very untrue. But, that is the message that my lack of a reaction, conveys to him.</p><p></p><p>It seems that you and I are at opposite extremes and we both need to move closer in. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/wink.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":wink:" title="wink :wink:" data-shortname=":wink:" /></p><p></p><p>I don't believe for one second that you are done with her. I believe that if/when one day, she wished to make amends, you'd give it consideration.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rebelson, post: 687541, member: 19966"] Walrus, I wish I had more of your anger & 'doneness'. Ha. Our Difficult Child's are similar in lots of ways, not all though. But, I can tell that your dtr really gets under your skin. As for the verbal abuse from my son, I seem mostly unfazed by it, in the 'anger' aspect. Now, when he calls me in rages and saying awful, wretched, crazzzzy things to and about me, I get 'a sick and terrified' feeling. Not anger so much. If I do feel anger the next day, it's because I am totally pissed that he put me through that terror. I could see THOSE kinds of calls pushing me to near 'doneness', but not the things he [I][B]says[/B][/I] so much. Actually, it's kind of interesting, this is. That I do not really reach the point of anger when he calls me demeaning me, cutting me down. You know what I think it is? I am able to step back and take what he says for what it is. [B]Untrue BS, coming from an addict with real issues. [/B]I apparently seem really able to separate myself from the insults. One factor that could be different, is that my verbally abusive d_c is a male and yours is a female. Would I get more ticked if my d_c were a dtr? Good question! Now, if a sober friend of mine did this to me, I think I'd be pissed and DONE. Reacting as I do might seem tempting. But, there are drawbacks, I see this now. Because I do not really feel a true anger reaction to him in these rants, my reaction is just to hang up and then when he calls me again (next hour, day or week), like nothing occurred? I seem to be happy and normal just like he is. I say nothing of the ranting, raging, vitriol-filled phone call. :eek: In other words, he is never 'held accountable' by me, for the things he said. Or, for the sick feeling, terror he put me through. This has been sending him a bad, bad message. A message that it is OK to do so to me. This is very untrue. But, that is the message that my lack of a reaction, conveys to him. It seems that you and I are at opposite extremes and we both need to move closer in. :wink: I don't believe for one second that you are done with her. I believe that if/when one day, she wished to make amends, you'd give it consideration. [/QUOTE]
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