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Is it morally right for us to kick our 19 yo son out of the house?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 574912" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good morning Kittycat. My belief, as well as my experience, is that we parents go through massive doubts, continual questioning and we always wonder if we are doing the right thing. Unfortunately, I think all of your questions are a normal part of this detachment process. Perhaps there is an anomaly once in awhile, a parent who has no doubt, forges ahead and throws their adult kid out and never looks back, but I haven;t read that parents post yet, nor heard of that happening in my limited knowledge. All of your concerns are normal and to me, a part of this. We have to go through so much internal soul searching to be able to do something which for all intents and purposes, goes against all of our natural instincts to protect, nurture, guide, take care of, love and be generous with. It's hard.</p><p></p><p>I can understand your concerns about how the move impacted your son and yet, there are options for him to get out of where he is and he is not considering them. I don't believe for one minute you're trying to get rid of him because he is the problem child. He is way more then a problem child, his behavior is abhorrent, disruptive, violent and disturbing. You are reacting to HIM and his behavior and trying to protect your family, your health and your peace of mind from a force which you have no control over and who refuses to take any responsibility for his own life.</p><p></p><p>I have a much older child, 40, who is much like your son. She is very, very smart, entitled, not a kind or compassionate person and she has painted herself into a corner with her bad choices. I too don't know how she got this way, and I believe she has some mental issues, but she refuses to acknowledge that or get any help, so I am powerless. I haven't been at this since she was a teen, really, only in the last year since her lifelong bad choices finally caught up with her in a big way. It is heart wrenching to have to make the kinds of choices many of us here have to make with our kids, it creates continual doubts in our minds as we try to understand it and control it and fix it and figure out what to do about it.</p><p></p><p>I really think you have done all you can do. You have all your ducks in order. If you haven't already, you might check on the eviction process in your state, in some states, eviction even with your own child, requires a formal, legal eviction process. Your son is so bright, he may have researched this and then can call you on it on Feb. 28th and gain another 30 days or so. Make sure you are legally in the know so you can then prevent him from returning to your home by getting a restraining order should that be the next step.</p><p></p><p>I have been in a program for the last year for codependents. I realized there was nothing I could do with my daughter so I went about learning how to take care of me during this challenging time. It has been invaluable, it's given me support, tools, understanding, information and the resolve to continue on this path. I have received so much empathy and compassion which has made this so much easier. I am in a support group with other mothers, some of whom have a very similar situation and I can't put into words how much it means to me to have that kind of understanding from other moms whose hearts are so mangled from this. I have learned so much about how I can let go, why I have to and how to do it. </p><p></p><p>All of the therapists I've talked to always tell me that in order for my daughter to have a chance at life, I have to let go. I have to allow her to suffer natural consequences and not step in to help. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She has the capability to launch herself out of where she is, she has chosen not to. That is not to say this is always true for all parents and all kids, but it is true for me and mine. And, I believe it is true for you and yours. You've done a lot for your son, you've given him every opportunity to grow up and he hasn't. Some kids need to be nudged out of the nest so they can grow their own wings. It may be tough, he may be homeless, he may couch surf, he may be in a shelter. That's where you getting support comes in...........so you can cope with what HE does out there, so you can get support to stay the course and try to find a life without his presence, without all of the drama that he brings to you and your family.</p><p></p><p>It is a process, you go up and down and sideways. You have many doubts. But, if you have support, you can continue along this journey and find some peace of mind. I'm amazed at how far I've come and how much calm and peace and joy there is in my life now. I still have bouts of real grief, fear for her, moments of difficult feelings, but they pass and then I am back in my own life once again. The pain doesn't really go away, it just subsides considerably over time as I learn how to negotiate this new territory and how to detach from someone I love so much. It's a tough road and I'm sorry you're on it, but since you are, find help for yourself and your husband. Your health demands that you eliminate the stress that your son is causing you. You deserve to have a peaceful life. Is spite of your fears, you're doing a really good job. Hang in there...........HUGS............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 574912, member: 13542"] Good morning Kittycat. My belief, as well as my experience, is that we parents go through massive doubts, continual questioning and we always wonder if we are doing the right thing. Unfortunately, I think all of your questions are a normal part of this detachment process. Perhaps there is an anomaly once in awhile, a parent who has no doubt, forges ahead and throws their adult kid out and never looks back, but I haven;t read that parents post yet, nor heard of that happening in my limited knowledge. All of your concerns are normal and to me, a part of this. We have to go through so much internal soul searching to be able to do something which for all intents and purposes, goes against all of our natural instincts to protect, nurture, guide, take care of, love and be generous with. It's hard. I can understand your concerns about how the move impacted your son and yet, there are options for him to get out of where he is and he is not considering them. I don't believe for one minute you're trying to get rid of him because he is the problem child. He is way more then a problem child, his behavior is abhorrent, disruptive, violent and disturbing. You are reacting to HIM and his behavior and trying to protect your family, your health and your peace of mind from a force which you have no control over and who refuses to take any responsibility for his own life. I have a much older child, 40, who is much like your son. She is very, very smart, entitled, not a kind or compassionate person and she has painted herself into a corner with her bad choices. I too don't know how she got this way, and I believe she has some mental issues, but she refuses to acknowledge that or get any help, so I am powerless. I haven't been at this since she was a teen, really, only in the last year since her lifelong bad choices finally caught up with her in a big way. It is heart wrenching to have to make the kinds of choices many of us here have to make with our kids, it creates continual doubts in our minds as we try to understand it and control it and fix it and figure out what to do about it. I really think you have done all you can do. You have all your ducks in order. If you haven't already, you might check on the eviction process in your state, in some states, eviction even with your own child, requires a formal, legal eviction process. Your son is so bright, he may have researched this and then can call you on it on Feb. 28th and gain another 30 days or so. Make sure you are legally in the know so you can then prevent him from returning to your home by getting a restraining order should that be the next step. I have been in a program for the last year for codependents. I realized there was nothing I could do with my daughter so I went about learning how to take care of me during this challenging time. It has been invaluable, it's given me support, tools, understanding, information and the resolve to continue on this path. I have received so much empathy and compassion which has made this so much easier. I am in a support group with other mothers, some of whom have a very similar situation and I can't put into words how much it means to me to have that kind of understanding from other moms whose hearts are so mangled from this. I have learned so much about how I can let go, why I have to and how to do it. All of the therapists I've talked to always tell me that in order for my daughter to have a chance at life, I have to let go. I have to allow her to suffer natural consequences and not step in to help. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She has the capability to launch herself out of where she is, she has chosen not to. That is not to say this is always true for all parents and all kids, but it is true for me and mine. And, I believe it is true for you and yours. You've done a lot for your son, you've given him every opportunity to grow up and he hasn't. Some kids need to be nudged out of the nest so they can grow their own wings. It may be tough, he may be homeless, he may couch surf, he may be in a shelter. That's where you getting support comes in...........so you can cope with what HE does out there, so you can get support to stay the course and try to find a life without his presence, without all of the drama that he brings to you and your family. It is a process, you go up and down and sideways. You have many doubts. But, if you have support, you can continue along this journey and find some peace of mind. I'm amazed at how far I've come and how much calm and peace and joy there is in my life now. I still have bouts of real grief, fear for her, moments of difficult feelings, but they pass and then I am back in my own life once again. The pain doesn't really go away, it just subsides considerably over time as I learn how to negotiate this new territory and how to detach from someone I love so much. It's a tough road and I'm sorry you're on it, but since you are, find help for yourself and your husband. Your health demands that you eliminate the stress that your son is causing you. You deserve to have a peaceful life. Is spite of your fears, you're doing a really good job. Hang in there...........HUGS............ [/QUOTE]
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Is it morally right for us to kick our 19 yo son out of the house?
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