Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Is this something that you shouldn't do
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 741494" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am in pretty much the same spot as you but my son as far as I know is not sober and is not in any type of program. </p><p></p><p>I am in the same spot as you in that: he cut off contact with me, I am afraid, and I have no control. I was pretty despondent for a few weeks, more or less non-functioning, but I am better since yesterday.</p><p></p><p>I do not know what changed for me, but it might have been the recognition that this is not about them. It may feel like it is about what they are doing or not doing; what can happen or might happen. But while this might be my focus, it is not what it is about.</p><p></p><p><em><strong>It is about separation.</strong></em> And when they are adults separation is not only healthy; it is essential for normal functioning. For my son to function as an adult, and for me to function as a whole person, who takes responsibility for her own pain and anxiety and does not require an adjunct to carry it--I need to separate. Which to me means, to let him live his own life and to tolerate what that would be. It would be to have the confidence in myself that I can (learn to) let my son carry his own pain. I do not have to carry it for him. And that I would tolerate that.</p><p></p><p>But the default me, has had a hard time letting go. And he has had a hard time letting me go. And that becomes a feedback loop.</p><p></p><p>I do not remember how old your son is, but I think he is an adult. </p><p></p><p>For your son to separate, I think it would be okay that he not contact you for a time. And it is okay that he not acknowledge gifts. He is going through a lot. </p><p></p><p>I do not believe he is responsible to keep you okay, to reassure you. Just as my own son is not responsible to keep me okay. I am responsible for all of that (even though I do not feel this way.) </p><p></p><p>I write this to let you know that you can have some space. You can give him some space and by that you can grant yourself the great gift of breathing, and finding your own safety in yourself. (Forgive me for sounding like I know anything. I just learned this yesterday.)</p><p></p><p>I cannot tell you how much better I feel than I did (yesterday). And I hope you can let go a little bit too. We need to learn to trust these guys. Learn to trust ourselves. Learn to trust life. There is every reason to have hope.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 741494, member: 18958"] I am in pretty much the same spot as you but my son as far as I know is not sober and is not in any type of program. I am in the same spot as you in that: he cut off contact with me, I am afraid, and I have no control. I was pretty despondent for a few weeks, more or less non-functioning, but I am better since yesterday. I do not know what changed for me, but it might have been the recognition that this is not about them. It may feel like it is about what they are doing or not doing; what can happen or might happen. But while this might be my focus, it is not what it is about. [I][B]It is about separation.[/B][/I] And when they are adults separation is not only healthy; it is essential for normal functioning. For my son to function as an adult, and for me to function as a whole person, who takes responsibility for her own pain and anxiety and does not require an adjunct to carry it--I need to separate. Which to me means, to let him live his own life and to tolerate what that would be. It would be to have the confidence in myself that I can (learn to) let my son carry his own pain. I do not have to carry it for him. And that I would tolerate that. But the default me, has had a hard time letting go. And he has had a hard time letting me go. And that becomes a feedback loop. I do not remember how old your son is, but I think he is an adult. For your son to separate, I think it would be okay that he not contact you for a time. And it is okay that he not acknowledge gifts. He is going through a lot. I do not believe he is responsible to keep you okay, to reassure you. Just as my own son is not responsible to keep me okay. I am responsible for all of that (even though I do not feel this way.) I write this to let you know that you can have some space. You can give him some space and by that you can grant yourself the great gift of breathing, and finding your own safety in yourself. (Forgive me for sounding like I know anything. I just learned this yesterday.) I cannot tell you how much better I feel than I did (yesterday). And I hope you can let go a little bit too. We need to learn to trust these guys. Learn to trust ourselves. Learn to trust life. There is every reason to have hope. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Is this something that you shouldn't do
Top