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<blockquote data-quote="skittles" data-source="post: 754772" data-attributes="member: 2484"><p>Overwhelmed</p><p>I didnt mean to imply its our fault as parents, we are so quick to blame ourselves. Our kids are adults and have responsibility for themselves. I have two children, same general environment, both diagnosed with add as kids, one also diagnosed conduct disordered, the second possibly on the autism spectrum. Through guilt i over parented both, tried everything, tutors, social skills programs, intervened in everything i could. But individual people make their own decisions. No matter how many times i “brought the horse to the water” my elder son would not drink. Skipped school, got in trouble, sold his add medications to buy what he really wanted, was homeless on and off, progressed to armed robbery, made 5 innocent children. My younger son in the other hand, drank deeply of that water. He is possibly on the spectrum but his obsession became computer coding and rockets. He has no real social life, but hes excelling in university. Even with his inability to connect with people, problems with communication (english was always his most difficult course) hes become respected at school in his field and i have no doubt that he will do fine without us. So they both made their own choices, what theyve done, what theyve made of their life they did themselves. If i was to take the blame for my older son becoming what he has, then i must also take the credit for my younger sons acheivements. I dont think thats fair to him, he did it, despite his disabilities, despite my overinvolvement, not me. They are both intelligent individuals, one chose to use his intelligence to manipulate and find the shortcuts in life, the other chose to find a niche he can function well in and succeed with hard work. Blaming yourself for ‘overparenting’ sounds like your kids convincing you its all your fault and refusing to take responsibility for themselves, hey if moms to blame, then let mom fix it, right? Theres so many kids out their with parents who ‘overparent’ its almost epidemic, im sure youve hear the term helicopter moms. Do all those kids become manipulators? No, again they make their own choices. You provided the tools, you loved them, perhaps too much. Is that worse than too little? Did you abuse them? Neglect them? Abandon them? Doesnt sound like it. Would they have succeeded in life if you loved too little? Not likely. Kids come from such a variety of environments. Some horrific, far far worse than what you think you did wrong, and they succeeded, many times excelled. Theyve come from extremely privalaged environments, were held to far less accountabilty than your kids were as they grew up extremely entitled. Did they all turn out to be manipulators. No, some are very fine successful people. My point is, blaming yourself is falling back into the pattern of fixing and blaming ie: i have to help my kids to fix the damage i caused. No, thats not the point . Try “My kids are grown now, i provided them the love and support they need as they grew, my job is done, its time to let go”</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="skittles, post: 754772, member: 2484"] Overwhelmed I didnt mean to imply its our fault as parents, we are so quick to blame ourselves. Our kids are adults and have responsibility for themselves. I have two children, same general environment, both diagnosed with add as kids, one also diagnosed conduct disordered, the second possibly on the autism spectrum. Through guilt i over parented both, tried everything, tutors, social skills programs, intervened in everything i could. But individual people make their own decisions. No matter how many times i “brought the horse to the water” my elder son would not drink. Skipped school, got in trouble, sold his add medications to buy what he really wanted, was homeless on and off, progressed to armed robbery, made 5 innocent children. My younger son in the other hand, drank deeply of that water. He is possibly on the spectrum but his obsession became computer coding and rockets. He has no real social life, but hes excelling in university. Even with his inability to connect with people, problems with communication (english was always his most difficult course) hes become respected at school in his field and i have no doubt that he will do fine without us. So they both made their own choices, what theyve done, what theyve made of their life they did themselves. If i was to take the blame for my older son becoming what he has, then i must also take the credit for my younger sons acheivements. I dont think thats fair to him, he did it, despite his disabilities, despite my overinvolvement, not me. They are both intelligent individuals, one chose to use his intelligence to manipulate and find the shortcuts in life, the other chose to find a niche he can function well in and succeed with hard work. Blaming yourself for ‘overparenting’ sounds like your kids convincing you its all your fault and refusing to take responsibility for themselves, hey if moms to blame, then let mom fix it, right? Theres so many kids out their with parents who ‘overparent’ its almost epidemic, im sure youve hear the term helicopter moms. Do all those kids become manipulators? No, again they make their own choices. You provided the tools, you loved them, perhaps too much. Is that worse than too little? Did you abuse them? Neglect them? Abandon them? Doesnt sound like it. Would they have succeeded in life if you loved too little? Not likely. Kids come from such a variety of environments. Some horrific, far far worse than what you think you did wrong, and they succeeded, many times excelled. Theyve come from extremely privalaged environments, were held to far less accountabilty than your kids were as they grew up extremely entitled. Did they all turn out to be manipulators. No, some are very fine successful people. My point is, blaming yourself is falling back into the pattern of fixing and blaming ie: i have to help my kids to fix the damage i caused. No, thats not the point . Try “My kids are grown now, i provided them the love and support they need as they grew, my job is done, its time to let go” [/QUOTE]
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