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Isolation and misunderstanding
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 436530" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Thanks TeDo and Keista.</p><p>Well, there's more to this than meets the eye - obviously and as always. First point is that my son's friend has an alcoholic father who is unstable and verbally abusive about his mother. This has made the child, whom I do not know very well, very sensitive to violence and aggression. I just felt at the time, and I tried to say to my friend when I saw her later, that that was partly what was behind his upset. The second is that J was saying things that WERE hurtful - calling him an imbecile and so on, and saying "You're not my friend!", etc. I think the other boy just doesn't yet have the maturity to see him as a much smaller child who cannot control himself well - he took it all personally. </p><p>I did reply to my friend's email - and actually she wasn't blaming and accusatory in tone even if her remarks came across as patronising in their ignorance - stating to her that Jacob has ADHD, that means he lacks impulse control (and not every 4 year old would have responded as he did, it's also to do with him) and that the way he is is not his fault and not mine... I also said, and meant it, that I am a warrior in a way she can't imagine... and she truly can't, parenting a basically quiet and mild-mannered boy. Part of the problem here is the general lack of understanding here about conditions such as ADHD and also, as I have said, the universally tough and authoritarian manner of rearing children... J had a tantrum at the end of the day - he was really exhausted, as well - in which he was very rude to me. I didn't get cross with him and I could see that this really shocked the other boy... People in general just don't "get it" that it just doesn't work to try all the heavy-handed discipline techniques that might work with other kids.</p><p>This friend is not a close friend - I haven't known her long. I like her but I wouldn't say she is brimming over with compassion always. </p><p>Like I say, I just feel sad for J. Some of it is normal 4 year old stuff but it was also the intensity of his emotions that made things difficult - and the overheated language. Afterwards he was crying and saying he wanted to say "sorry" to the boy, but it was too late then. Poor kid. He is his own worst enemy sometimes, as the cliche goes...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 436530, member: 11227"] Thanks TeDo and Keista. Well, there's more to this than meets the eye - obviously and as always. First point is that my son's friend has an alcoholic father who is unstable and verbally abusive about his mother. This has made the child, whom I do not know very well, very sensitive to violence and aggression. I just felt at the time, and I tried to say to my friend when I saw her later, that that was partly what was behind his upset. The second is that J was saying things that WERE hurtful - calling him an imbecile and so on, and saying "You're not my friend!", etc. I think the other boy just doesn't yet have the maturity to see him as a much smaller child who cannot control himself well - he took it all personally. I did reply to my friend's email - and actually she wasn't blaming and accusatory in tone even if her remarks came across as patronising in their ignorance - stating to her that Jacob has ADHD, that means he lacks impulse control (and not every 4 year old would have responded as he did, it's also to do with him) and that the way he is is not his fault and not mine... I also said, and meant it, that I am a warrior in a way she can't imagine... and she truly can't, parenting a basically quiet and mild-mannered boy. Part of the problem here is the general lack of understanding here about conditions such as ADHD and also, as I have said, the universally tough and authoritarian manner of rearing children... J had a tantrum at the end of the day - he was really exhausted, as well - in which he was very rude to me. I didn't get cross with him and I could see that this really shocked the other boy... People in general just don't "get it" that it just doesn't work to try all the heavy-handed discipline techniques that might work with other kids. This friend is not a close friend - I haven't known her long. I like her but I wouldn't say she is brimming over with compassion always. Like I say, I just feel sad for J. Some of it is normal 4 year old stuff but it was also the intensity of his emotions that made things difficult - and the overheated language. Afterwards he was crying and saying he wanted to say "sorry" to the boy, but it was too late then. Poor kid. He is his own worst enemy sometimes, as the cliche goes... [/QUOTE]
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