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<blockquote data-quote="AngelaMia aka Merris" data-source="post: 81012" data-attributes="member: 3978"><p>Merris</p><p></p><p>Seems the lurking is taking place again so I have to be careful. I don't think the search engine would pick up on my user name in a post, so I think I'm safe. Oh the freaking drama!</p><p></p><p>difficult child - I am NOT happy. He has chosen to hang out with this friends this whole week. Has done nothing productive. Asked me if he could come over tonight and hang out. I said sure, and I would bring him back. He said no, Mike would bring him back, he just needs cigarettes. I said no.</p><p></p><p>He lost my cell phone yesterday so I got it shut off. I can go and get a new one, but I'll have to pay for it - but I'm pretty much poor now.</p><p></p><p>I feel like I did with his father. I had all these expectations and hope for him, and he won't face the reality that he has to change in order for things to get better and be different. It took me 10 years to learn that his father wanted different things out of life - it won't take me that long this time.</p><p></p><p>The attack was 1 year ago yesterday. difficult child said nothing. I went to my therapist and we talked about it. She agreed that I need to confront him in a gentle way explaining that this didn't "happen" to him. This was the effect of something he chose to do - whether in his right mind or not. Imagine, just imagine, knowing what it feels like to have someone on top of you with a knife, in your home, thinking they are going to kill you and you don't know what they have done to your child already. I didn't know it was him. The muscles in my body shook SO hard, I have never experienced that before in my life.</p><p></p><p>Sorry I'm in such a foul mood. I feel used and tossed away by both of them and I'm tired. I have TRIED to be a good person. I have TRIED and FOUGHT to be a good mother, but it's time other people got off their keisters and do what THEY need to do.</p><p></p><p>I'm cocooned in my slum for the night because it's Friday and the bikers are out in full force. I took some klonipin because my jaw was clenching SO tightly. I tried to do without them because husband said I was an addict. I talked to psychiatrist about that and I tell him my concerns. I have tried other medications, Xanax, Ativan - they don't work. I have to trust my doctor and my body to know what is right. I don't sleep all day anymore because I don't need the escape. Yet.</p><p></p><p>It's more a post about me than it is difficult child. I consider you all to be my friends and I know how patient you have been with me. I truly do appreciate it.</p><p></p><p>Signing off for now!</p><p></p><p>Merris</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="AngelaMia aka Merris, post: 81012, member: 3978"] Merris Seems the lurking is taking place again so I have to be careful. I don't think the search engine would pick up on my user name in a post, so I think I'm safe. Oh the freaking drama! difficult child - I am NOT happy. He has chosen to hang out with this friends this whole week. Has done nothing productive. Asked me if he could come over tonight and hang out. I said sure, and I would bring him back. He said no, Mike would bring him back, he just needs cigarettes. I said no. He lost my cell phone yesterday so I got it shut off. I can go and get a new one, but I'll have to pay for it - but I'm pretty much poor now. I feel like I did with his father. I had all these expectations and hope for him, and he won't face the reality that he has to change in order for things to get better and be different. It took me 10 years to learn that his father wanted different things out of life - it won't take me that long this time. The attack was 1 year ago yesterday. difficult child said nothing. I went to my therapist and we talked about it. She agreed that I need to confront him in a gentle way explaining that this didn't "happen" to him. This was the effect of something he chose to do - whether in his right mind or not. Imagine, just imagine, knowing what it feels like to have someone on top of you with a knife, in your home, thinking they are going to kill you and you don't know what they have done to your child already. I didn't know it was him. The muscles in my body shook SO hard, I have never experienced that before in my life. Sorry I'm in such a foul mood. I feel used and tossed away by both of them and I'm tired. I have TRIED to be a good person. I have TRIED and FOUGHT to be a good mother, but it's time other people got off their keisters and do what THEY need to do. I'm cocooned in my slum for the night because it's Friday and the bikers are out in full force. I took some klonipin because my jaw was clenching SO tightly. I tried to do without them because husband said I was an addict. I talked to psychiatrist about that and I tell him my concerns. I have tried other medications, Xanax, Ativan - they don't work. I have to trust my doctor and my body to know what is right. I don't sleep all day anymore because I don't need the escape. Yet. It's more a post about me than it is difficult child. I consider you all to be my friends and I know how patient you have been with me. I truly do appreciate it. Signing off for now! Merris [/QUOTE]
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