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Jaded Perspective vs Reality
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 638612" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I get what you're saying too. I first heard about not putting up with abuse in a group therapy session for women. I was telling them my story and they started telling me I was being abused and not to put up with it. I was maybe 30 and very immature, and I was absolutely horrified that they were telling me not to put up with the rotten things my sickly husband said to me. I remembered sputtering, "B-b-but he's SICK!" I mean, if somebody is sick, they can be mean.That was how I thought. To my shock and chagrin, one of the women said, "I don't care if he's dying tomorrow. There is no reason for him to abuse you and demean you and withhold money from you. There is no excuse for abuse. Ever." I looked around the room and the other women were nodding t heir agreement and so were the two psychologists in charge of the woman's meeting, a male and woman psychologist.</p><p></p><p>"I can't. YOu don't get it. He's sick. He had eight hour surgery! They took out two huge tumors and he has his thyroid removed in another surgery..." They didn't care.</p><p></p><p>I left in tears and never went back.</p><p></p><p>But the idea of no excuse for abuse was set in the back of my mind and I thought about it a lot when Hub #1 was calling me stupid, or useless or "you don't have any common sense" or when I tried so hard to clean and cook up to his standards he said, " Your attempt at organization is turning into worse disorganization" (add a mean laugh)...I would remember those women telling me not to put up with it. I let it sink in for a few yearws. Nothing changed. He demeaned me constantly and if I cried he laughed at me. He handled the money. I even was handing him MY paycheck or he'd gaslight me with "We'll go bankrupt." We never came close to going bankrupt. Although I wasn't allowed to know how much he made, he made a good living, although you'd never know it. I didn't know it until during the divorce.</p><p></p><p>My ex hated Codependents Anonymous once I decided to go. It started to sink in that I lived my life only to please other people, even when they were being unreasonable. I was beginning to believe that everything this man said about me wasn't gospel. In fact, most of it was hogwash.</p><p></p><p>But if I hadn't had that first kick of Tough Love, I probably would have remained everyone's doormat forever and certainly my life would have been horrible. So if somebody is at first shocked by the idea of detaching from a beloved child who is abusive, a thief in the home or something else even if they go away they may start to think about how they are allowing themselves to be abused and why they are.</p><p></p><p>I have learned to be very true to myself. I am not going to say something I don't believe just to softpeddle something. If you are in danger from your kid, I'm going to say it because I care about the welfare of the person who is writing about it. Chances are, by the time they have made it to this site they are pretty desperate. If they report serious illegal activity in their house, they are in danger...</p><p></p><p>At any rate, all we can do is do what we feel is right. I'm not angry at those women who made me see I was being abused. I really didn't know it. In my famly of origin my mother talked to my father the way my ex talked to me all the time. I thought "That is how marriage is." I needed the wake up call. I ended up divorcing this man. I'm not sorry. I married a very different and better (for me) kind of man and had a great family with him raising Sonic and Jumper.</p><p></p><p>Nobody has to stay here. If they are not ready to hear the message many of us send, then they can leave. I"m sure many have, just like I left the therapy sessions forever.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 638612, member: 1550"] I get what you're saying too. I first heard about not putting up with abuse in a group therapy session for women. I was telling them my story and they started telling me I was being abused and not to put up with it. I was maybe 30 and very immature, and I was absolutely horrified that they were telling me not to put up with the rotten things my sickly husband said to me. I remembered sputtering, "B-b-but he's SICK!" I mean, if somebody is sick, they can be mean.That was how I thought. To my shock and chagrin, one of the women said, "I don't care if he's dying tomorrow. There is no reason for him to abuse you and demean you and withhold money from you. There is no excuse for abuse. Ever." I looked around the room and the other women were nodding t heir agreement and so were the two psychologists in charge of the woman's meeting, a male and woman psychologist. "I can't. YOu don't get it. He's sick. He had eight hour surgery! They took out two huge tumors and he has his thyroid removed in another surgery..." They didn't care. I left in tears and never went back. But the idea of no excuse for abuse was set in the back of my mind and I thought about it a lot when Hub #1 was calling me stupid, or useless or "you don't have any common sense" or when I tried so hard to clean and cook up to his standards he said, " Your attempt at organization is turning into worse disorganization" (add a mean laugh)...I would remember those women telling me not to put up with it. I let it sink in for a few yearws. Nothing changed. He demeaned me constantly and if I cried he laughed at me. He handled the money. I even was handing him MY paycheck or he'd gaslight me with "We'll go bankrupt." We never came close to going bankrupt. Although I wasn't allowed to know how much he made, he made a good living, although you'd never know it. I didn't know it until during the divorce. My ex hated Codependents Anonymous once I decided to go. It started to sink in that I lived my life only to please other people, even when they were being unreasonable. I was beginning to believe that everything this man said about me wasn't gospel. In fact, most of it was hogwash. But if I hadn't had that first kick of Tough Love, I probably would have remained everyone's doormat forever and certainly my life would have been horrible. So if somebody is at first shocked by the idea of detaching from a beloved child who is abusive, a thief in the home or something else even if they go away they may start to think about how they are allowing themselves to be abused and why they are. I have learned to be very true to myself. I am not going to say something I don't believe just to softpeddle something. If you are in danger from your kid, I'm going to say it because I care about the welfare of the person who is writing about it. Chances are, by the time they have made it to this site they are pretty desperate. If they report serious illegal activity in their house, they are in danger... At any rate, all we can do is do what we feel is right. I'm not angry at those women who made me see I was being abused. I really didn't know it. In my famly of origin my mother talked to my father the way my ex talked to me all the time. I thought "That is how marriage is." I needed the wake up call. I ended up divorcing this man. I'm not sorry. I married a very different and better (for me) kind of man and had a great family with him raising Sonic and Jumper. Nobody has to stay here. If they are not ready to hear the message many of us send, then they can leave. I"m sure many have, just like I left the therapy sessions forever. [/QUOTE]
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