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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 657439" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Cedar, it's easier for me to answer now. After all my thinking and probing, I am in a much better place.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, you mother most likely had a personality disorder. They divide and conquer and love it. They favor and disfavor. They do mean things to their disfavored because I believe they enjoy watching their most vulnerble child squirm. Yes, I think E. liked it. I don't know if she knew she liked it, but she certainly seemed to. They are also unpredictable, like when E. used to wake me up in the wee hours of the morning to shout at me about something that had happened weeks ago and I thought had been resolved, even waking up Thing 2 who shared my room. Her anger seemed to come out of thin air. These are things we had not spoken about for WEEKS. She couldn't wait until morning to scream at me...lol? This isn't normal.</p><p></p><p>Did she ever do this to lost and golden child? No.</p><p></p><p>She also did this when I was awake, bring things up out of thin air, when they weren't even being talked about and start up yelling.</p><p></p><p>Then she disowned me. Because, probably, I would not divide and conquer with my own kids. I would not make my adopted kids feel lesser than and would not do what she wanted.</p><p></p><p>She also had unrealistic and silly admiration for certain people (all white/all black...sound familiar?) Thing 1 was all white. He was The King to her although he actually had a lot of probjlems. But, hey, he was SMART. Her brother, Uncle Torture, was another one. He laughed about his unfaithfulness and games with his girlfriends, he was tied to his mother until the day he died, and he never did anything that did not benefit himself (perhaps he was even an overly friendly professor for admiration and not altruism). That wouldn't shock me. But she worshipped him. Her last golden child, so to speak, was her boyfriend after the divorce. The fact that the man was flawed didn't stop her from talking about his brilliance. Yeah, so he cheated on her then married a woman who wanted a green card and abused him until he died. Real smart. These were her heroes. They could do no wrong. I think later on, one of Thing 2's girls became another goldenchild. I honestly can't say why. I don't know her girls, I am profoundly happy that our kids never knew us or each other's kids, and Princess does not like Thing 2..she had her for Thanksgiving once and said, "I don't want her here again. She gives me the creeps. Sorry, Mom." Princess always had a lot of insight.</p><p></p><p>Your mther had golden and black people in her life. White/black. Personality disorders. Divide and conquer. Personality disorders. Deliberately starting drama and trouble. Personality disorders. Involving everyone...personality disorders.</p><p></p><p>We were raised by sick women. They have adult children who struggle. Because of how they were.</p><p></p><p>When I was very young and screwed up, my 20s, I would tell all my therapists, "My Mom was a good mom. I was just a terrible kid." I would say it cheerfully and I believed it.</p><p></p><p>A child isn't the reason a parent is abusive.</p><p></p><p>If I would have taken off early from her and rest of the loonybin, she would have found somebody else to abuse. She probably would have picked on Thing 2, especially since 2 did not invite 1 to her wedding. Gawsh, if I had done something that cruel, God would have been standing over me with a thunderbolt in E's eyes. But since she had me to be bad, she could go along with this atrocity that should never happen. 1 had never been mean to 2 in his life. She didn't want him at her wedding. He was ugly. To her.</p><p></p><p>But that was ok. Of course she probalby told E. another reason, but she told the truth to me. She'd been bashing his looks for probably ten years or more by then.</p><p></p><p>She also has black/white thinking, does the personality disorder cut offs and come backs and is a drama queen who makes horrible choices for her own life. Her kids are high achievers, but I'll bet they have issues she never shared. I can't believe they made it out alive and well with her in charge.</p><p></p><p>Personality disorders.</p><p></p><p>Sickness.</p><p></p><p>Dysfunctional families.</p><p></p><p>We become just as sick.</p><p></p><p>I'm so much better now, even bout FOO and E. All this writing was therapeutic. They are all nobody to me anymore. It doesn't matter what they say anymore. It doesn't matter what they do or if they read my thoughts. It doesn't matter because I don't want to know one thing about them anymore. And, frankly, I don't...and I like the peace.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, you will find this peace too. One day you wil let go. You will see how sick your FOO was and how they were making you sick. Their kind of sick is contagious and generational.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, don't ever ask an abuser why. The abuser thinks YOU either did the abusing or deserved it and you will never get an answer. Trust me. I've been reading voraciously about dysfunctional families and the dynamics. They are all cut out of the same cloth. If you're looking for satisfaction, become radically accepting. You will not get satisfaction or closure.</p><p></p><p>You simply have to finally get so fed up, like I am now, that you no longer care. I am starting to feel that peace and contentment I had for so many years before E. came into my mind and her disownership needed exploration...and I needed to grieve it because I hadn't before. It feels great to have finally let it all out. Don't ever expect satisfaction from an abuser. Just let it go. They didn't win. We did. Our good lives are our wins.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for listening.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 657439, member: 1550"] Cedar, it's easier for me to answer now. After all my thinking and probing, I am in a much better place. Cedar, you mother most likely had a personality disorder. They divide and conquer and love it. They favor and disfavor. They do mean things to their disfavored because I believe they enjoy watching their most vulnerble child squirm. Yes, I think E. liked it. I don't know if she knew she liked it, but she certainly seemed to. They are also unpredictable, like when E. used to wake me up in the wee hours of the morning to shout at me about something that had happened weeks ago and I thought had been resolved, even waking up Thing 2 who shared my room. Her anger seemed to come out of thin air. These are things we had not spoken about for WEEKS. She couldn't wait until morning to scream at me...lol? This isn't normal. Did she ever do this to lost and golden child? No. She also did this when I was awake, bring things up out of thin air, when they weren't even being talked about and start up yelling. Then she disowned me. Because, probably, I would not divide and conquer with my own kids. I would not make my adopted kids feel lesser than and would not do what she wanted. She also had unrealistic and silly admiration for certain people (all white/all black...sound familiar?) Thing 1 was all white. He was The King to her although he actually had a lot of probjlems. But, hey, he was SMART. Her brother, Uncle Torture, was another one. He laughed about his unfaithfulness and games with his girlfriends, he was tied to his mother until the day he died, and he never did anything that did not benefit himself (perhaps he was even an overly friendly professor for admiration and not altruism). That wouldn't shock me. But she worshipped him. Her last golden child, so to speak, was her boyfriend after the divorce. The fact that the man was flawed didn't stop her from talking about his brilliance. Yeah, so he cheated on her then married a woman who wanted a green card and abused him until he died. Real smart. These were her heroes. They could do no wrong. I think later on, one of Thing 2's girls became another goldenchild. I honestly can't say why. I don't know her girls, I am profoundly happy that our kids never knew us or each other's kids, and Princess does not like Thing 2..she had her for Thanksgiving once and said, "I don't want her here again. She gives me the creeps. Sorry, Mom." Princess always had a lot of insight. Your mther had golden and black people in her life. White/black. Personality disorders. Divide and conquer. Personality disorders. Deliberately starting drama and trouble. Personality disorders. Involving everyone...personality disorders. We were raised by sick women. They have adult children who struggle. Because of how they were. When I was very young and screwed up, my 20s, I would tell all my therapists, "My Mom was a good mom. I was just a terrible kid." I would say it cheerfully and I believed it. A child isn't the reason a parent is abusive. If I would have taken off early from her and rest of the loonybin, she would have found somebody else to abuse. She probably would have picked on Thing 2, especially since 2 did not invite 1 to her wedding. Gawsh, if I had done something that cruel, God would have been standing over me with a thunderbolt in E's eyes. But since she had me to be bad, she could go along with this atrocity that should never happen. 1 had never been mean to 2 in his life. She didn't want him at her wedding. He was ugly. To her. But that was ok. Of course she probalby told E. another reason, but she told the truth to me. She'd been bashing his looks for probably ten years or more by then. She also has black/white thinking, does the personality disorder cut offs and come backs and is a drama queen who makes horrible choices for her own life. Her kids are high achievers, but I'll bet they have issues she never shared. I can't believe they made it out alive and well with her in charge. Personality disorders. Sickness. Dysfunctional families. We become just as sick. I'm so much better now, even bout FOO and E. All this writing was therapeutic. They are all nobody to me anymore. It doesn't matter what they say anymore. It doesn't matter what they do or if they read my thoughts. It doesn't matter because I don't want to know one thing about them anymore. And, frankly, I don't...and I like the peace. Cedar, you will find this peace too. One day you wil let go. You will see how sick your FOO was and how they were making you sick. Their kind of sick is contagious and generational. Cedar, don't ever ask an abuser why. The abuser thinks YOU either did the abusing or deserved it and you will never get an answer. Trust me. I've been reading voraciously about dysfunctional families and the dynamics. They are all cut out of the same cloth. If you're looking for satisfaction, become radically accepting. You will not get satisfaction or closure. You simply have to finally get so fed up, like I am now, that you no longer care. I am starting to feel that peace and contentment I had for so many years before E. came into my mind and her disownership needed exploration...and I needed to grieve it because I hadn't before. It feels great to have finally let it all out. Don't ever expect satisfaction from an abuser. Just let it go. They didn't win. We did. Our good lives are our wins. Thank you for listening. [/QUOTE]
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