Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Jail, Rehab
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 657511" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I'm applauding everything about your honest, heartfelt post, Cedar. Honestly, I could relate to most of it, except for the fact that I did speak out and try to defend myself and did not do what she wanted me to do.</p><p></p><p>Why are dysfunctional mothers so worried about how their kids look?</p><p></p><p>Well, their daughters.</p><p></p><p>So one day I let my best friend cut sideburns for me. I had long hair. God forbid I cut my hair. I knew I was in trouble because E. had told me, "I hate sideburns on girls." Truthfully, it didn't look too good. I was afraid to go home. When I did, yep, she started mocking me and making fun of me and telling me how horrible it looked as soon as she saw.</p><p></p><p>Over a stupid haircut. Why did t his bother her? I was failing school, but she never ever bothered to yell at me for that. I used to see failure notices on the kitchen table and she never addressed them to me. But I let my friend cut sideburns and I had short sideburns now and she didn't like my hair and she followed me around yelling at me about it. I remember her telling me how boys won't like me now. I believed her because I thought it looked bad too and the only boy who'd liked me up until then was a boy I didn't like back, but I dated him because E. liked him and I truly believed nobody else would ever want me. Back to the hair and her fascination with how I looked...and what her priorities were for her oldest....</p><p></p><p>"Boys like LONG hair, NOT SHORT HAIR! It's ugly." She honestly told me that over and over again. </p><p></p><p>And God help it if boys didn't like you, huh? You're a girl and you don't need to be smart, you just need to be beautiful. Another winner from E. If I recall, and since it did not have to do with me, I'm not sure about the details...I believe she paid for Thing 1's college bills (although he had scholarships) and would not pay for Thing 2. And Thing 2 wanted desperate to have a certain major in college. E. told her that if she took that major, she wouldn't sign for her loan, which she would pay for completely on her own. "Girls just have to be beautiful. Smart is for boys." Again, not sure it played out exactly like this because it had nothing to do with me, but I know I heard the story and it is something like that.</p><p></p><p>I remember thinking, "What a b****" when I heard about it because I still really loved Thing 2.</p><p></p><p>"You're getting fat." Another nugget from E.</p><p></p><p>I'm lucky I did not also get an eating disorder. What kind of mother says that to her daughters?</p><p></p><p>Thing 2 is very vain about her physical appearance. I actually think it's sad because nobody looks good forever.</p><p></p><p>And it's so superficial.</p><p></p><p>Our personality disordered, abusive mothers are superficial. They are fake. They don't even know what they are. They are angry at their own pasts (mine was). She was actually very weak and pathetic although to me she was as big as the room she stood in and yelled at me in. Looking back, how weak she was. She needed me to yell at because it made her feel important? Who knows?</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I have gone ballistic reading biographies and posts of dysfunctional families as I took on this quest to find out the "why" to the best of my ability. Cedar, there are so many of them. It is always the same song. The sick mother or father or sometimes sick mother and cowering in fear father or vice versa picks a child to honor and a child to pick on. The more kids, the more the dynamics change. There is usually only one scapegoat, but sometimes there are four k ids and two are golden and two are scapegoats. The goldens never think th e scapegoat was scapegoated. That is just the way it is. So the families are fragmented and there are bad feelings and lack of any contact at times.</p><p></p><p>Although we have just figured it out, our families are very common scenarios. It was sadly comforting to feel understood by strangers whose posts I've read. And whose books I've read.</p><p></p><p>I understand why you free associate here...it is validating and helpful and I'm much better than I was when I started out. I think I understand what can not be exactly defined. However, what it boils down to is this dynamic, whyever it comes to exist (Sorry guess whyever isn't a real word), happens often. Sick parents or a sick parent has kids and divides and conquers. Somebody is left out. The family doesn't work and the sick parent has damaged her offspring.</p><p></p><p>I know that. I know it's common. I don't feel alone.</p><p></p><p>I also got an excellent idea about what to do when the horrible day comes that I lose my only FOO member, my Dad. I will do what a few other outsiders have done. They called the person who is performing the service and told them the situation and asked for their help in easing the situation.</p><p></p><p>It's hard to believe that when I first read Thing 2's post, I was so furious and ashamed by her false assessment of what I'd written that I'd thought of not honoring my father when he has to leave me. I'm way over that now. She's the one who doesn't get it. Bite me. I can handle being in her space one last time with my family around me. She won't talk to me. I won't even look at her. After the ceremony, I don't know or care if others are getting together at somebody's house...we're leaving for our sanctuary in Wisconsin. And that will be the final chapter in this crazy FOO. At least for me it will.</p><p></p><p>I do not think of them often anymore since I spilled my guts and got over it. I have not checked their FBs. I have not gone back to the site where Thing 2 posts HER point of view, which she is entitled to do. But I don't CARE what she writes. I don't bring up either ones name to my father and he doesn't bring them up to me.</p><p></p><p>Did I ever mention that years ago I threw out all my picture albums from my childhood? I don't have any baby pictures anymore. I have no pictures of me before I started having my friends take pictures. I have no pictures of young me, young E. or young anyone. The kids first view of how I looked was in my teens on a vacation and then my first honeymoon...hehe. I sound like a serial bride, but just twice.</p><p></p><p>I don't remember when I threw it out, but I lived back in Illinois at the time and don't think I was married to my husband yet. I may not even have known him. It was that long ago that I wanted to erase my childhood.</p><p></p><p>I do not miss the pictures. They used to sort of give me the creeps.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow, keep writing and so will I. We will write this stuff right out of our systems. It is working for me. I hope it works for you too <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 657511, member: 1550"] I'm applauding everything about your honest, heartfelt post, Cedar. Honestly, I could relate to most of it, except for the fact that I did speak out and try to defend myself and did not do what she wanted me to do. Why are dysfunctional mothers so worried about how their kids look? Well, their daughters. So one day I let my best friend cut sideburns for me. I had long hair. God forbid I cut my hair. I knew I was in trouble because E. had told me, "I hate sideburns on girls." Truthfully, it didn't look too good. I was afraid to go home. When I did, yep, she started mocking me and making fun of me and telling me how horrible it looked as soon as she saw. Over a stupid haircut. Why did t his bother her? I was failing school, but she never ever bothered to yell at me for that. I used to see failure notices on the kitchen table and she never addressed them to me. But I let my friend cut sideburns and I had short sideburns now and she didn't like my hair and she followed me around yelling at me about it. I remember her telling me how boys won't like me now. I believed her because I thought it looked bad too and the only boy who'd liked me up until then was a boy I didn't like back, but I dated him because E. liked him and I truly believed nobody else would ever want me. Back to the hair and her fascination with how I looked...and what her priorities were for her oldest.... "Boys like LONG hair, NOT SHORT HAIR! It's ugly." She honestly told me that over and over again. And God help it if boys didn't like you, huh? You're a girl and you don't need to be smart, you just need to be beautiful. Another winner from E. If I recall, and since it did not have to do with me, I'm not sure about the details...I believe she paid for Thing 1's college bills (although he had scholarships) and would not pay for Thing 2. And Thing 2 wanted desperate to have a certain major in college. E. told her that if she took that major, she wouldn't sign for her loan, which she would pay for completely on her own. "Girls just have to be beautiful. Smart is for boys." Again, not sure it played out exactly like this because it had nothing to do with me, but I know I heard the story and it is something like that. I remember thinking, "What a b****" when I heard about it because I still really loved Thing 2. "You're getting fat." Another nugget from E. I'm lucky I did not also get an eating disorder. What kind of mother says that to her daughters? Thing 2 is very vain about her physical appearance. I actually think it's sad because nobody looks good forever. And it's so superficial. Our personality disordered, abusive mothers are superficial. They are fake. They don't even know what they are. They are angry at their own pasts (mine was). She was actually very weak and pathetic although to me she was as big as the room she stood in and yelled at me in. Looking back, how weak she was. She needed me to yell at because it made her feel important? Who knows? Cedar, I have gone ballistic reading biographies and posts of dysfunctional families as I took on this quest to find out the "why" to the best of my ability. Cedar, there are so many of them. It is always the same song. The sick mother or father or sometimes sick mother and cowering in fear father or vice versa picks a child to honor and a child to pick on. The more kids, the more the dynamics change. There is usually only one scapegoat, but sometimes there are four k ids and two are golden and two are scapegoats. The goldens never think th e scapegoat was scapegoated. That is just the way it is. So the families are fragmented and there are bad feelings and lack of any contact at times. Although we have just figured it out, our families are very common scenarios. It was sadly comforting to feel understood by strangers whose posts I've read. And whose books I've read. I understand why you free associate here...it is validating and helpful and I'm much better than I was when I started out. I think I understand what can not be exactly defined. However, what it boils down to is this dynamic, whyever it comes to exist (Sorry guess whyever isn't a real word), happens often. Sick parents or a sick parent has kids and divides and conquers. Somebody is left out. The family doesn't work and the sick parent has damaged her offspring. I know that. I know it's common. I don't feel alone. I also got an excellent idea about what to do when the horrible day comes that I lose my only FOO member, my Dad. I will do what a few other outsiders have done. They called the person who is performing the service and told them the situation and asked for their help in easing the situation. It's hard to believe that when I first read Thing 2's post, I was so furious and ashamed by her false assessment of what I'd written that I'd thought of not honoring my father when he has to leave me. I'm way over that now. She's the one who doesn't get it. Bite me. I can handle being in her space one last time with my family around me. She won't talk to me. I won't even look at her. After the ceremony, I don't know or care if others are getting together at somebody's house...we're leaving for our sanctuary in Wisconsin. And that will be the final chapter in this crazy FOO. At least for me it will. I do not think of them often anymore since I spilled my guts and got over it. I have not checked their FBs. I have not gone back to the site where Thing 2 posts HER point of view, which she is entitled to do. But I don't CARE what she writes. I don't bring up either ones name to my father and he doesn't bring them up to me. Did I ever mention that years ago I threw out all my picture albums from my childhood? I don't have any baby pictures anymore. I have no pictures of me before I started having my friends take pictures. I have no pictures of young me, young E. or young anyone. The kids first view of how I looked was in my teens on a vacation and then my first honeymoon...hehe. I sound like a serial bride, but just twice. I don't remember when I threw it out, but I lived back in Illinois at the time and don't think I was married to my husband yet. I may not even have known him. It was that long ago that I wanted to erase my childhood. I do not miss the pictures. They used to sort of give me the creeps. Anyhow, keep writing and so will I. We will write this stuff right out of our systems. It is working for me. I hope it works for you too :) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Jail, Rehab
Top