Just need to vent.....long

[tracy551]

Well difficult child comes home for yet another home visit this weekend and I'm already stressing about it. :crazy: He called me tonight to see if I've talked to his caseworker, like I have all day to make 20 calls to the same office until you actually get a person and work full time in a busy doctors office. He just doesn't get it I do not have time to do this stuff!!!!
He is so worried they won't get the paperwork thru for his pass. And get this when i told him I want us, just the family to spend some time together this weekend he said well what do you have planed? I told him I wanted to go to the camp ground from Saturday morning to Sunday morning (we have a seasonal site and our camper stays there)just us no friends or commotion just relax with family. He says I'll go to see what you got but I'm not staying. What the ????? :grrr: This boy is the most selfish kid I' ve ever known. I have put my life on hold for over 3 years because of his bull crap and he can't even spend 24 hours with his family!!!!!! He feels that he only has from Friday to Sunday afternoon and he won't have any time to be "home".
What about all the 2 1/2 hour one way trips I took to go see him, what about the missed time at work to go to meetings, the courthouse, school, etc.
This boy has been away since March and NOTHING has changed it's still all about him :grrr: I am just so angry.
He puts on the show at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to get by but nothing has changed!!! I told his counselor about the camping trip and he says it would be a good idea. But I'm telling you there is NO WAY he will go. I am so sick of this. Come May 2008 I beleive I will posting "How I kicked difficult child out of the house"
He's also saying already that he want to just get a GED instead of goiong to school when he gets home. HE HAS 2 YEARS OF SCHOOL LEFT!!!!!!! (SCREAM................) I really don't know if I can take this.
ANY AND I MEAN ANY ADVISE......PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Marguerite]

So if he won't go camping with the family, what does he have planned instead? Is he planning on hanging out with 'friends' of the sort whose bad influence put him in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in the first place? I would be calling the counsellor and suggesting cancelling the leave. "Sorry, kid, I'm not busting my buns to get you a free pass to get up to mischief - I have a life to life, rather than watching you destroy yours."

Marg

 

[Wiped Out]

Hugs to you. It is so difficult to not be seeing more improvement. I think the camping trip sounds great. The part of him wanting to go for only a bit (probably due to friends?) sounds very typical teen to me. Wish I had some advice but my difficult child is quite a bit younger.

I hope things start to improve soon.

 

[ck1]

Tracy: I'm sorry this is so hard...I have a very selfish difficult child as well. We're not in the same position as you are now since mine is still awaiting placement, but the only thing I can think of to do at this time is tell his counselors very clearly what he's like when he's with you and that it's very different then when he's there. Be as specific as possible and give examples. Hopefully they aren't falling for his "show" because that won't help him at all when he leaves there and he's likely to end up back where he started.

I am very fearful that we'll face the same thing. My son will do everything he needs to just to get what he wants (in this case to be able to come home) without making any real changes. I think CAmom may have dealt with this when her son was away, maybe she'll come along with more suggestions? Her son had a change of heart in his last two months and ended up doing really well but I don't know exactly what prompted that change.

As for the GED plan, I'd be furious about that too. If my son attempts that I will probably think that he's just trying to get out of doing what he knows he should and trying to take the easy way out. Maybe you could ask him why he wants to do that instead? If he has really thought it through and has good reasons maybe it's not really worth the fight since the end result is the same, as long as he follows through with it.

Good luck...hopefully this weekend goes better than you're anticipating. Can you refuse to bring him home if it already sounds like the visit may cause trouble? Maybe he needs to appreciate his family more before getting these passes.

 

[ML]

I think many of these difficult children are selfish. It must come with the territory. I'm so sorry for all this pain.

 

[trissa]

I am scared of what you are talking about.I feel like my heart will be ripped out if they place him somewhere. My mind tells me one thing,my heart another.

Does it all feel like a relief for them to be placed? I have been with my husband for 22 years. We dated when I was 15. My son saw abuse because my husband was abusive. We seperated for a few years because I wanted my son away from that.

For years I spent most of my time trying to make up for his dad not being there. Some mornings he was my reason to wake up. That may sound bad but it's true.

I whole heartedly know what you mean by saying you gave up your life for 3 years. I have also done that out of fear what he would do so I wouldnt go out. I too have spend countless hours with courts,probation officers and so on.

I believe we are pretty special people to be able to survive this and still come out whole.

 

[busywend]

While I understand the need and desire for family time, I think it is pretty common for teens to not want to spend time with the family. I struggle with this with my difficult child, too. It is difficult to get them to see what they are missing. Someday they will see it.

I think perhaps your expectations might be too high. It is a normal teen thing to not spend time with family - or as little as possible.

Now, if he is trying to hang out with some undesirable friends - well that is a different story. That should not be allowed.

 

[standswithcourage]

I think it is all so tense. No matter what when they come home at all we want what we can do to help them be a better person. sometimes that is the last thing they want - they are selfish and want what they want no matter what - I stil see that in my difficult child. He is worried he will go to jail tomorrow for a public disorderly conduct arrest he had 2 weeks ago when he got out of jail. It stresses me out too. Right now is was not living with us but since he has to go to court tomorrow and no one else has a car my husband said he would take him. They get along like cats and dogs. that stresses me out too.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

When my 17 difficult child comes home from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) it is required she be with us the whole time. Is this not part of your program. Are they aware that he will not be with you. If they know this will they not let him come home? Just curious.

Beth

 

[flutterbee]

Whether it's typical teen or difficult child behavior, it's selfish. If he's not willing to spend time with the family - especially after you have bent over backwards AND after his demands that you make sure the pass happens - I would tell him he can either go camping or he not have the pass.

 

[DammitJanet]

I was going to ask about what the rules were for the home visits. When my son was having his first home passes from various placements, the rules were "with family only" to build on goals we were working on at the time.

At later times we let the rope out a bit longer.

Does he have rules he has to follow such as be with family, go to a meeting, not see certain friends, curfew?

Also...if he is being a PITA with you on the phone, yank the visit. I have done it. Im not going to go out of my way to arrange a visit for someone who is treating me badly and acting like I am only the taxi.

 

[tracy551]

They do require he stay with family and can not basically leave our site. I also understand it's not cool to hang out with family when your a teen but difficult child is not your typical teen (we probably all have one of these)
I did talk to his counselor today and basically told him the situation. he said he would be meeting with him and if it seems like too much of a problem we can yank his pass from him. I don't really want to do that but you know it'ss time he give alittle after taking sooooooooooooo much.