Dear Lost,
Gosh, I get where you are coming from 100% (I feel like that could have been me writing your post). It's so strange we take on their feelings if they do hurt us verbally or otherwise and same when they reply with a one word text. We read into how we "think" they must be feeling -lonely, sad, hurting etc. I know when I meet up with my son to gas his vehicle I have so much anger and resentment towards him because he's not doing anything to change his situation. We hardly speak. He doesn't know but I look at him and feel so much pity and sorrow for his state of being and it breaks my heart.
I think for me and maybe for you it's that we "think" we know what they are feeling or thinking, when in reality our thoughts are not their thoughts. My therapist tells me, My sons "do not love me" not given the way she knows in detail how they have treated me. They only know how to manipulate me and play with my feelings. As a Mom who gave my heart and soul to raising my two sons, I guess I just have a hard time accepting they do not love me. But it's really the truth. It's a hard pill to swallow.
My sons are 30 and 26 and homeless and I do feel like I've abandoned them but all those who "know better", professionals and the like tell me otherwise. They remind me they are adults and they are not "mine". They are responsible for their own destinies. I think that's hard to wrap my head around because I've never seen them take responsibility for themselves. If I had ever seen any longevity in that area I might be able to convince myself otherwise. But I've never seen proof of it. Jobs have been far and few between and last a short time. There's always an excuse why they couldn't keep the job. Someone else's fault they had to quit.
It's important that we practice self-care. Even do little things that will bring us pleasure or take our minds off of our worries. It feels odd at first when we do this because we think we should be feeling sad and if we're experiencing a moment of happiness or peace we think we are abandoning them or not caring enough for them and that we should remain in a perpetual state of mourning for the loss of what we always hoped we'd have. What a crazy thought process. How is our being miserable, sad and hurt helping anything? It's not and I believe it does take "practice" to push ourselves out of that stinking thinking. I read something recently that said if there are two people and one of them is constantly focusing on the loss of the other, then both lives are lost.
Sending up prayers and peace.
