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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 738635" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Rn describes the process as it is. The boundaries part.</p><p></p><p>I had a really hard time getting it.</p><p></p><p>I saw boundaries kind of like bulwarks. Like big mounds that prevent people from getting to me.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I thought of my own absence of boundaries with shame. Like I had no limits. Like I was all over the place. Kind of like I leaked. Without being aware. It is mortifying to write this. And probably inappropriate too. Sigh. Kind of like I still do not have boundaries. Sigh.</p><p></p><p>So this is how I understand it now.</p><p></p><p>Boundaries are internal. They are an acknowledgement that I am worth protecting. And considering and listening to. Myself and others. Boundaries say I have worth. That I matter equally to anybody else. That I can think about consequences for me, and act on them.</p><p></p><p>That it matters I don't suffer unnecessarily. Boundaries mean that I act in my own lane. And that I do not unduly carry another adult person, or shoulder the consequences of their acts.</p><p></p><p>I came to understand this was a moral choice. With consequences for both my son and myself and my mate.</p><p></p><p>It matters because my life and I are worth protecting. My relationship with my mate is too. My son needs me to act in a way that is not just expedient, or caring, but morally correct.</p><p></p><p>I am clear now. Clearer.</p><p></p><p>I still have periods of confusion where I allow people in and give them space and voice in my life, that they do not deserve. I do not up front factor in what are my needs and priorities. I get sidetracked for a week. But in time I recognize what is happening. I walk it back.</p><p></p><p>Until we recognize that this entire Odyssey is about us, we suffer. Even after we do, we suffer. But there is clarity. It took me more than 3 years here to begin to really get it. It is still not so easy.</p><p></p><p>When you read our posts I hope you understand that there is no judgement. And we write what we write because we are on training wheels, and in no way have we got this licked. We may sound strong but that is just one voice. We use it when we post to strengthen it.</p><p></p><p>What I am saying in my verbose way is that you matter. A lot.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 738635, member: 18958"] Rn describes the process as it is. The boundaries part. I had a really hard time getting it. I saw boundaries kind of like bulwarks. Like big mounds that prevent people from getting to me. Sometimes I thought of my own absence of boundaries with shame. Like I had no limits. Like I was all over the place. Kind of like I leaked. Without being aware. It is mortifying to write this. And probably inappropriate too. Sigh. Kind of like I still do not have boundaries. Sigh. So this is how I understand it now. Boundaries are internal. They are an acknowledgement that I am worth protecting. And considering and listening to. Myself and others. Boundaries say I have worth. That I matter equally to anybody else. That I can think about consequences for me, and act on them. That it matters I don't suffer unnecessarily. Boundaries mean that I act in my own lane. And that I do not unduly carry another adult person, or shoulder the consequences of their acts. I came to understand this was a moral choice. With consequences for both my son and myself and my mate. It matters because my life and I are worth protecting. My relationship with my mate is too. My son needs me to act in a way that is not just expedient, or caring, but morally correct. I am clear now. Clearer. I still have periods of confusion where I allow people in and give them space and voice in my life, that they do not deserve. I do not up front factor in what are my needs and priorities. I get sidetracked for a week. But in time I recognize what is happening. I walk it back. Until we recognize that this entire Odyssey is about us, we suffer. Even after we do, we suffer. But there is clarity. It took me more than 3 years here to begin to really get it. It is still not so easy. When you read our posts I hope you understand that there is no judgement. And we write what we write because we are on training wheels, and in no way have we got this licked. We may sound strong but that is just one voice. We use it when we post to strengthen it. What I am saying in my verbose way is that you matter. A lot. [/QUOTE]
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