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Substance Abuse
Kicked my son out, foster care, fear
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<blockquote data-quote="dayatatime" data-source="post: 704730" data-attributes="member: 17805"><p>I mentioned JobCorps just last week. He won't go. He says it's my fault because I've forced him into therapy and abandoned him at miserable institutional living situations before, so I destroyed any possibility of him ever... and his anxiety....</p><p></p><p>I know it's not my fault. I know there's treatment for anxiety that he won't accept.</p><p></p><p>When I came into treatment myself I was a mess. I was referred out by therapist after therapist until met the one whose care I have recovered under. I was so emotionally dysregulated that I couldn't speak in sentences, I lived with a lot of abuse at home, and I was not functioning in any way and really giving up. Now I'm very high functioning. What that guy did (and continues to do) is hold hope and stay steady. </p><p></p><p>When I kick my son out, when I admit that the situation is a not tenable, it seems so much like I'm closing off hope. </p><p></p><p>What I did that allowed recovery, was want it. My son doesn't want it. I'm plenty resourceful, and his behavior has been pretty bad for about 6-years--it's frustrating that I *know* the ropes of surviving all this, but it still hurts so much. And I still feel so guilty. </p><p></p><p>His childhood was really pretty bad. But I can't change that. I do everything I can to offer support for positive change.</p><p></p><p>...him being in my home is ok if he's functioning. And no ok if he's not. I can't let him take me down.</p><p></p><p>And buying him sandwiches while he hangs out with his friends- no- I want him to cooperate with the agency and spend his time doing treatment.</p><p></p><p>He says that I don't respect him- that respect has to be two ways. I say, I don't respect some of your choices. I say, I'm the parent, we aren't equals.... I need to find strategies for not even getting involved in conversation. If anyone has any let me know. There's so much in our relationship that I feel we need professional help to even begin to make progress on. But that's not possible because he won't allow it...... </p><p></p><p>It is comforting to not be alone. I'm sorry that anyone can identify, but it makes me feel better. It's very difficult to talk to friends about this.</p><p></p><p>"Send him to the military"- yeah right. As if I had that sort of power.</p><p>About throwing him out- "what he needs is treatment." As if I had that sort of power.</p><p>About my resentment about him always asking me for money, came the well-meaning reflection that most 18-year-olds are supported by their parents. .....Just-most kids don't stop attending school in the 9th grade then act out, do nothing, etc. </p><p></p><p>And it's hard that things really have been worse. So I can keep telling myself- well- it's not as bad as it was..... But I *so* see things as on the road to the way they were. I think that's fueled by hardcore drugs, which is where I think he's going. </p><p></p><p>So, balancing- holding hope- with trusting my assessment of the situation.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dayatatime, post: 704730, member: 17805"] I mentioned JobCorps just last week. He won't go. He says it's my fault because I've forced him into therapy and abandoned him at miserable institutional living situations before, so I destroyed any possibility of him ever... and his anxiety.... I know it's not my fault. I know there's treatment for anxiety that he won't accept. When I came into treatment myself I was a mess. I was referred out by therapist after therapist until met the one whose care I have recovered under. I was so emotionally dysregulated that I couldn't speak in sentences, I lived with a lot of abuse at home, and I was not functioning in any way and really giving up. Now I'm very high functioning. What that guy did (and continues to do) is hold hope and stay steady. When I kick my son out, when I admit that the situation is a not tenable, it seems so much like I'm closing off hope. What I did that allowed recovery, was want it. My son doesn't want it. I'm plenty resourceful, and his behavior has been pretty bad for about 6-years--it's frustrating that I *know* the ropes of surviving all this, but it still hurts so much. And I still feel so guilty. His childhood was really pretty bad. But I can't change that. I do everything I can to offer support for positive change. ...him being in my home is ok if he's functioning. And no ok if he's not. I can't let him take me down. And buying him sandwiches while he hangs out with his friends- no- I want him to cooperate with the agency and spend his time doing treatment. He says that I don't respect him- that respect has to be two ways. I say, I don't respect some of your choices. I say, I'm the parent, we aren't equals.... I need to find strategies for not even getting involved in conversation. If anyone has any let me know. There's so much in our relationship that I feel we need professional help to even begin to make progress on. But that's not possible because he won't allow it...... It is comforting to not be alone. I'm sorry that anyone can identify, but it makes me feel better. It's very difficult to talk to friends about this. "Send him to the military"- yeah right. As if I had that sort of power. About throwing him out- "what he needs is treatment." As if I had that sort of power. About my resentment about him always asking me for money, came the well-meaning reflection that most 18-year-olds are supported by their parents. .....Just-most kids don't stop attending school in the 9th grade then act out, do nothing, etc. And it's hard that things really have been worse. So I can keep telling myself- well- it's not as bad as it was..... But I *so* see things as on the road to the way they were. I think that's fueled by hardcore drugs, which is where I think he's going. So, balancing- holding hope- with trusting my assessment of the situation. [/QUOTE]
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