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Kicked son out
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 679649" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Welcome Patrick, I am sorry for your need to be here, but it is definitely a good place to be when trying to figure this stuff out......your wife is more than welcome to join us too.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for your heartache. It is hard when our kids push the limits in our homes and won't follow house rules. I have often wondered if this testing the boundaries is a way for them to insist their independence and step out of the nest.</p><p></p><p>Daily pot use and "some substance abuse", is more than experimenting. I had a rough time with my two at this age. I think a large part of their attitude was due to dabbling in drugs and wanting to do as they please, damn be to house rules. It is disrespectful and unacceptable, to tread upon ones parents.</p><p></p><p>I agree with Somewhere that at least he is working, paying bills and rent. So, he does have some sense of responsibility. You have have given him the best training as parents, have faith in that. You have shown him that there are consequences for his choices, and have taught him that you will stand firm for rules for your household. This is honorable, Patrick, your son may not reflect on that now, but he will know it in his heart. He has shown that he wants to live his life, his choices. He will be able to test his wings a bit and see what there is to offer out there.</p><p></p><p>Instead of feeling that you have <em>kicked your son out, </em></p><p>it is<em> really a repercussion of his actions</em>.</p><p>This could truly be a pivotal point in your sons life, to understand that his parents will stand by their word, and there are consequences for his choices. He will have to think, and he will have to learn this valuable lesson.</p><p> It is a good thing you are doing for you son by insisting he be respectful to his parents and their home.</p><p></p><p>It is difficult for parents when a grown child leaves the home in this manner. There is an article on this PE forum, that has helped me tremendously to stand firm.</p><p><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/</a></p><p></p><p>When our kids are out there finding their way, it sends us reeling into an emotional state and a tendency to think of all of the awful things that could happen to them. Most of the parents here will tell you that keeping the kids at home, when they refuse to follow rules, only gets worse. They start to treat us and our homes more and more disrespectfully. The more we put up with, the harder they push.</p><p>You have done the right thing. If I knew back then what I know now, I would have made much different decisions, along this journey.</p><p></p><p>Now is the time when you and your wife need to be very tender and kind to yourselves and each other.</p><p>Most of us have gone through a grieving process.</p><p>We have hopes and dreams for our kids, and when they deviate from that, it is hard on us. Take the time you need to feel what you feel, and when you are ready, start building yourselves up.</p><p>We give up a large part of ourselves and our lives parenting. </p><p>When the kids leave, there is this weird void. There is an emptiness that needs to be filled. That happens when we understand that we do not have control over our grown kids choices.</p><p></p><p>We can only control our response and reactions. Most of all know that you both have value and matter.</p><p> </p><p>We need to switch our focus from the kids to ourselves, and this takes time. </p><p></p><p>If you believe in a higher power, it is helpful to turn to that for strength. There are groups, Alanon, Naranon. Below is an interview with the author of <u>Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children.</u></p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]nhyDxoM03-4[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>What she says makes sense.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting and reading, it helps. There are many folks here, who have been in similar situations with their adult kids. They will share their stories and offer advice, but decisions are really up to you and your wife. No judgment here, just caring people who know how this all feels. You are not alone.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Take care and take one day, one step at a time.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 679649, member: 19522"] Welcome Patrick, I am sorry for your need to be here, but it is definitely a good place to be when trying to figure this stuff out......your wife is more than welcome to join us too. I am sorry for your heartache. It is hard when our kids push the limits in our homes and won't follow house rules. I have often wondered if this testing the boundaries is a way for them to insist their independence and step out of the nest. Daily pot use and "some substance abuse", is more than experimenting. I had a rough time with my two at this age. I think a large part of their attitude was due to dabbling in drugs and wanting to do as they please, damn be to house rules. It is disrespectful and unacceptable, to tread upon ones parents. I agree with Somewhere that at least he is working, paying bills and rent. So, he does have some sense of responsibility. You have have given him the best training as parents, have faith in that. You have shown him that there are consequences for his choices, and have taught him that you will stand firm for rules for your household. This is honorable, Patrick, your son may not reflect on that now, but he will know it in his heart. He has shown that he wants to live his life, his choices. He will be able to test his wings a bit and see what there is to offer out there. Instead of feeling that you have [I]kicked your son out, [/I] it is[I] really a repercussion of his actions[/I]. This could truly be a pivotal point in your sons life, to understand that his parents will stand by their word, and there are consequences for his choices. He will have to think, and he will have to learn this valuable lesson. It is a good thing you are doing for you son by insisting he be respectful to his parents and their home. It is difficult for parents when a grown child leaves the home in this manner. There is an article on this PE forum, that has helped me tremendously to stand firm. [URL]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/[/URL] When our kids are out there finding their way, it sends us reeling into an emotional state and a tendency to think of all of the awful things that could happen to them. Most of the parents here will tell you that keeping the kids at home, when they refuse to follow rules, only gets worse. They start to treat us and our homes more and more disrespectfully. The more we put up with, the harder they push. You have done the right thing. If I knew back then what I know now, I would have made much different decisions, along this journey. Now is the time when you and your wife need to be very tender and kind to yourselves and each other. Most of us have gone through a grieving process. We have hopes and dreams for our kids, and when they deviate from that, it is hard on us. Take the time you need to feel what you feel, and when you are ready, start building yourselves up. We give up a large part of ourselves and our lives parenting. When the kids leave, there is this weird void. There is an emptiness that needs to be filled. That happens when we understand that we do not have control over our grown kids choices. We can only control our response and reactions. Most of all know that you both have value and matter. We need to switch our focus from the kids to ourselves, and this takes time. If you believe in a higher power, it is helpful to turn to that for strength. There are groups, Alanon, Naranon. Below is an interview with the author of [U]Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children.[/U] [MEDIA=youtube]nhyDxoM03-4[/MEDIA] What she says makes sense. Keep posting and reading, it helps. There are many folks here, who have been in similar situations with their adult kids. They will share their stories and offer advice, but decisions are really up to you and your wife. No judgment here, just caring people who know how this all feels. You are not alone. Take care and take one day, one step at a time. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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