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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 739423" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Looking. I find a kind of clarity and comfort by thinking of two famous children's books. <u>Oh. The Places We Will Go.</u> I think that is the title of the Dr. Seuss book.</p><p>And <u>Runaway Bunny</u>.</p><p></p><p>The first title in my mind's eye refers to the wonder of a child's desire to explore his world and move beyond the mother's safety. After all, this is what has to happen and does happen for a child to separate from the mother, and to individuate.</p><p></p><p>The second title refers to the reassurance provided by the mother to the baby bunny that his desire to run and to explore will not put him at risk of losing her. Because she will follow him to the ends of the earth. And further.</p><p></p><p>This is exactly where we are stuck.</p><p></p><p>Our grown up children are exploring the world. Oh. The places we will go.</p><p></p><p>Somehow 15 or 25 years ago we did not quite get that those places would entail drugs, abusive men, pregnancy, etc.</p><p></p><p>Yet. We are still emotionally geared up to follow. There is the emotional pull to follow them, no matter where they go. In the book I think I remember the bunny went up trees, etc, and eventually, I think to the moon. And there, mama followed. And this was immensely reassuring to the baby and to mothers and babies all over the world. That it was safe to explore. Because mother would be there.</p><p></p><p>She would follow. And when the baby went to places that were unsafe, we could go pick them up and bring them back.</p><p></p><p>And now we can't.</p><p></p><p>Now to stay with them we have to go to places that are unbearable, horrible, and degrading. To them. And to us, if we were to go there with them.</p><p></p><p>They still want us to go. To follow them. But we cannot. Because they have gone where people should not go. I will say that straight out. Because this is what I believe. I believe there is a right and wrong way to live.</p><p></p><p>We cannot go to bad places with them. At least, that is how I believe, now. I tried and tried and tried to follow. So that I could pick him up and turn him around. And I became degraded with my son. I lost myself.</p><p></p><p>I am living with heartbreak now. Because I know I cannot go anymore. And I believe my son knows that now, too.</p><p></p><p>At first he pushed against this. And tried to phrase it, as I no longer loved him.</p><p></p><p>No, I texted. And very briefly I explained,<em><strong> the love in question is your own, to act in a loving way towards yourself.</strong></em></p><p></p><p>Somehow and for some reason, our kids act in relation to us, in an immature way. They want our love and help, but are unable or unwilling to take responsibility to make choices and to act in a way themselves that would help them, and demonstrate self-love. The result is bad acts, a series of them. </p><p></p><p>Over and over again, we try to step in, as if we can go and pick them up, turn them around, and set them straight. As if they are 3 years old.</p><p></p><p>It no longer works. I tried and I tried and I tried. I could not get it through my head it would no longer work. Until I ended up almost as bad as my son, because I kept following him into his degradation to try to turn him around.</p><p></p><p>You have grasped this very quickly. You will not be spared the heartbreak. But you will spare yourself and your family the degradation.</p><p></p><p>You have modeled for your daughter a very clear picture of dignity and responsibility. She can choose.</p><p></p><p>You have no control. I have no control. Heartbreak, yes. Buckets and buckets.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 739423, member: 18958"] Looking. I find a kind of clarity and comfort by thinking of two famous children's books. [U]Oh. The Places We Will Go.[/U] I think that is the title of the Dr. Seuss book. And [U]Runaway Bunny[/U]. The first title in my mind's eye refers to the wonder of a child's desire to explore his world and move beyond the mother's safety. After all, this is what has to happen and does happen for a child to separate from the mother, and to individuate. The second title refers to the reassurance provided by the mother to the baby bunny that his desire to run and to explore will not put him at risk of losing her. Because she will follow him to the ends of the earth. And further. This is exactly where we are stuck. Our grown up children are exploring the world. Oh. The places we will go. Somehow 15 or 25 years ago we did not quite get that those places would entail drugs, abusive men, pregnancy, etc. Yet. We are still emotionally geared up to follow. There is the emotional pull to follow them, no matter where they go. In the book I think I remember the bunny went up trees, etc, and eventually, I think to the moon. And there, mama followed. And this was immensely reassuring to the baby and to mothers and babies all over the world. That it was safe to explore. Because mother would be there. She would follow. And when the baby went to places that were unsafe, we could go pick them up and bring them back. And now we can't. Now to stay with them we have to go to places that are unbearable, horrible, and degrading. To them. And to us, if we were to go there with them. They still want us to go. To follow them. But we cannot. Because they have gone where people should not go. I will say that straight out. Because this is what I believe. I believe there is a right and wrong way to live. We cannot go to bad places with them. At least, that is how I believe, now. I tried and tried and tried to follow. So that I could pick him up and turn him around. And I became degraded with my son. I lost myself. I am living with heartbreak now. Because I know I cannot go anymore. And I believe my son knows that now, too. At first he pushed against this. And tried to phrase it, as I no longer loved him. No, I texted. And very briefly I explained,[I][B] the love in question is your own, to act in a loving way towards yourself.[/B][/I] Somehow and for some reason, our kids act in relation to us, in an immature way. They want our love and help, but are unable or unwilling to take responsibility to make choices and to act in a way themselves that would help them, and demonstrate self-love. The result is bad acts, a series of them. Over and over again, we try to step in, as if we can go and pick them up, turn them around, and set them straight. As if they are 3 years old. It no longer works. I tried and I tried and I tried. I could not get it through my head it would no longer work. Until I ended up almost as bad as my son, because I kept following him into his degradation to try to turn him around. You have grasped this very quickly. You will not be spared the heartbreak. But you will spare yourself and your family the degradation. You have modeled for your daughter a very clear picture of dignity and responsibility. She can choose. You have no control. I have no control. Heartbreak, yes. Buckets and buckets. [/QUOTE]
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