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Letters to the Estranged
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 504683" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>I have no experience with writing to estranged children, but, I've had experience with writing letters for other reasons. To my ex-husband, when trying to reach out to him to be part of our children's lives. To a family member when trying to heal hurts and mend a rift caused by him. In each case, I tried to withhold blame and judgment and just tell the other person how I felt, and made attempts at reconciliation and finding common ground. In each case, the response was not what I had hoped for, in fact, it was generally more of the same old koi and blame directed back at me. </p><p></p><p>What I learned was this: check your motives. You should write the letter for yourself, and not in hopes of changing someone else's mind. If you are writing a letter to clarify your own feelings on a situation, and to share those feelings with someone so that there is no doubt of your stance, so be it. But if you're writing a letter hoping that if you say it "just the right way" this time, a light bulb will go off in the other person's head and they'll say, "AHA! I get it! I'm so sorry that I made you feel that way and yes let's be friends again!" ----- save your energy. You're setting yourself up for disappointment. </p><p></p><p>It's kind of like forgiveness. The healing from it is for the forgiver, not the forgivee. The other person doesn't have to accept it for it to have value to you. And neither does the person you're writing to, have to accept your words and change their behavior because of what you write. You have no control over that. If you write and send such a letter, you have to be willing and able to accept their response, whether it be the same old thing, or silence. You have to find peace within yourself about it. And that's a very hard thing to do. It can be very painful, if you're not prepared. </p><p></p><p>So, I write my feelings down in my journal now, instead of writing them and sending them to anyone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 504683, member: 1157"] I have no experience with writing to estranged children, but, I've had experience with writing letters for other reasons. To my ex-husband, when trying to reach out to him to be part of our children's lives. To a family member when trying to heal hurts and mend a rift caused by him. In each case, I tried to withhold blame and judgment and just tell the other person how I felt, and made attempts at reconciliation and finding common ground. In each case, the response was not what I had hoped for, in fact, it was generally more of the same old koi and blame directed back at me. What I learned was this: check your motives. You should write the letter for yourself, and not in hopes of changing someone else's mind. If you are writing a letter to clarify your own feelings on a situation, and to share those feelings with someone so that there is no doubt of your stance, so be it. But if you're writing a letter hoping that if you say it "just the right way" this time, a light bulb will go off in the other person's head and they'll say, "AHA! I get it! I'm so sorry that I made you feel that way and yes let's be friends again!" ----- save your energy. You're setting yourself up for disappointment. It's kind of like forgiveness. The healing from it is for the forgiver, not the forgivee. The other person doesn't have to accept it for it to have value to you. And neither does the person you're writing to, have to accept your words and change their behavior because of what you write. You have no control over that. If you write and send such a letter, you have to be willing and able to accept their response, whether it be the same old thing, or silence. You have to find peace within yourself about it. And that's a very hard thing to do. It can be very painful, if you're not prepared. So, I write my feelings down in my journal now, instead of writing them and sending them to anyone. [/QUOTE]
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