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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 738825" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Re, and my fellow warriors</p><p> I think this is what Rain was trying to tell me in her own way. Tornado has gone over the edge, even in her sisters mind. I could see that a few years ago, as she went through her issues with her abusive boyfriend, she became harder and harder. Her "survival" became a very selfish thing, verbally abusive to her family, funny and perky for friends. Her kids recall this, and have no trust in her whatsoever. In that way, they are protecting themselves.</p><p></p><p>This one has always been a toughie, or presented herself that way. Stubborn and headstrong. Applied the right way, it is a good thing. She has definitely gone down some dark roads, for sure. Jail is the best place for her right now, even though she will probably apply those street smarts. Hopefully, she will seek out better companions.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is the thing. Just like she is detoxing not of her own accord, but due to her circumstances, the attempt on her part to “build a bridge” is the same, <em>brought on by her needs and wants. </em>Right now, it serves <em>her</em> purpose to try and have a relationship. I am feeling leery and cautious about that.</p><p>It is a hard lesson, because my “mom instinct” tries to override the flashing neon warning lights in my stoic brain. I have to measure my emotional output carefully, lest I go too far from one side to the other. The shift I would look for, is <em>remorse</em>. But, for now, she is singing the “We are Family” song, after no contact for one year. Huh. Imagine that.</p><p>Looking back at my own stupid mistakes as a teen, I believe I apologized to my parents for many years after.</p><p><em>Feral survival. </em></p><p>That sums it up so succinctly. It rings in my head.</p><p></p><p>This is encouraging, Re, and I do hope the same for Tornado. Only time will tell.</p><p> You are correct. It has nothing to do with me. If love could save, we all wouldn’t be here.</p><p> I am working on accepting this new normal and whatever comes down the pipe with it. I can’t allow myself to be threatened, or chided into anything. That first call with her brings me back to reality “I have been out on the streets for a year and YOU didn’t even come look for me.”</p><p>Now it’s, “I am in jail and YOU need to.....send me money...come visit.....make me comfortable.”</p><p>I realize it will take some time for her head to clear and for her to take responsibility for her actions.</p><p></p><p> Thank you Re. It is so good to have this place to come to for feedback and moral support.</p><p> You know Copa, I was thinking that as well.</p><p></p><p>This is how she has operated for quite some time.</p><p></p><p>Delusions of grandeur, that is how I see it.</p><p> I don’t think she is at a place where she even bats an eye or winces at her past indiscretions. It brings me back to that huge incident with her circling my house, shouting at the top of her lungs, racial slurs and swearing. Never a mention, an apology. Her letter to her kids asks them to forgive her mistakes but I don’t think she has any idea or clue of how her choices have affected them. That is a poison for them to behold. The wound opened and festering in their psyche by her shallow attempt on her initial phone contact.......“When I get out I will buy you things.” Ugh.</p><p> You are right, Copa. Awhile ago, I saw her Instagram page. Full of selfies and “gangsta” slang. Her beauty marred by the ugliness brewing inside.</p><p></p><p>I have to borrow from my grandchildren’s armor. They want nothing to do with her. They have been through too much. We all have. I know love forgives, but that also comes with the offender being remorseful and willing to change. The “family” card is so easy for her to play when it suits her.</p><p></p><p>I do worry about the depression from detox, but give that to God. I cannot go backwards with this latest situation with her. I have come to far to allow that.</p><p></p><p>I have been thinking about this Copa. Together with Re’s experiences, Kalahou, it makes so much sense. It is not my journey to walk. I don’t plan on visiting, or for that matter, going to court.</p><p> It is so typical of her. “Rally to my side!” Uh, no. Thank you Copa for the clarity. You know how our kids can pull the wool over our eyes and manipulate those heart strings. I will write to her, when I am ready. Then I will be cautious with my words. She has a way of switching them all around.</p><p></p><p>Thank you so much Wish for your love and hugs. I feel the same about Tornados situation. It really is an answer to my fervent prayers that she find herself. I am sure she does not feel the same at this time. It is up to her to make it a turning point, or not. I am swimming against the tide at times, trying not to relapse into old habits, emotionally and in my response. Cautious optimism, and standing on a “wait and see” platform. I know that the meth may have cleared her system, but not her thinking, she is a dry addict.</p><p><em>I am a dry enabler.</em> I am cognizant that it is easy for me to slip into old habits and allow her situation to infect my life, which I cannot abide. My big saving grace is focusing on my responsibilities towards my son. I know all too well that I can’t use this as a crutch, that I constantly have to work in building myself up to resist the temptation to fall prey to her tactics. <em>She</em> will measure my love in phone calls, letters, money in her account, jail visits. Not acceptable. It is as Copa wrote, she is choosing to put her plight on me. It is not my load to bear. She has to find it in herself to make the right choices and to bear responsibility for her past mistakes. She has to understand the pain she has inflicted on her family and herself.</p><p>I will continue to pray for her recovery, and proceed with caution with my response. Lest she continue to be confused at bearing responsibility, blame switch and feel entitled. That is what I am seeing through her letters, with the help of everyone who has posted. It is so easy to let my mother’s heart be duped into going into overdrive. I thank you all for helping me put on the brakes and think.</p><p>Nothing needs to be done, at this time.</p><p>In fact, I have to remember that I have my life to live, bills to pay, work, my son. She needs to know this as well, it should be a <em>given, </em>something<em> blaringly obvious. </em></p><p>Thank you so much, everyone, for your replies, encouragement and hugs.</p><p>It is a whole new chapter on this journey. One that I hope turns out for the better.</p><p>That is completely up to Tornado.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 738825, member: 19522"] Hi Re, and my fellow warriors I think this is what Rain was trying to tell me in her own way. Tornado has gone over the edge, even in her sisters mind. I could see that a few years ago, as she went through her issues with her abusive boyfriend, she became harder and harder. Her "survival" became a very selfish thing, verbally abusive to her family, funny and perky for friends. Her kids recall this, and have no trust in her whatsoever. In that way, they are protecting themselves. This one has always been a toughie, or presented herself that way. Stubborn and headstrong. Applied the right way, it is a good thing. She has definitely gone down some dark roads, for sure. Jail is the best place for her right now, even though she will probably apply those street smarts. Hopefully, she will seek out better companions. This is the thing. Just like she is detoxing not of her own accord, but due to her circumstances, the attempt on her part to “build a bridge” is the same, [I]brought on by her needs and wants. [/I]Right now, it serves [I]her[/I] purpose to try and have a relationship. I am feeling leery and cautious about that. It is a hard lesson, because my “mom instinct” tries to override the flashing neon warning lights in my stoic brain. I have to measure my emotional output carefully, lest I go too far from one side to the other. The shift I would look for, is [I]remorse[/I]. But, for now, she is singing the “We are Family” song, after no contact for one year. Huh. Imagine that. Looking back at my own stupid mistakes as a teen, I believe I apologized to my parents for many years after. [I]Feral survival. [/I] That sums it up so succinctly. It rings in my head. This is encouraging, Re, and I do hope the same for Tornado. Only time will tell. You are correct. It has nothing to do with me. If love could save, we all wouldn’t be here. I am working on accepting this new normal and whatever comes down the pipe with it. I can’t allow myself to be threatened, or chided into anything. That first call with her brings me back to reality “I have been out on the streets for a year and YOU didn’t even come look for me.” Now it’s, “I am in jail and YOU need to.....send me money...come visit.....make me comfortable.” I realize it will take some time for her head to clear and for her to take responsibility for her actions. Thank you Re. It is so good to have this place to come to for feedback and moral support. You know Copa, I was thinking that as well. This is how she has operated for quite some time. Delusions of grandeur, that is how I see it. I don’t think she is at a place where she even bats an eye or winces at her past indiscretions. It brings me back to that huge incident with her circling my house, shouting at the top of her lungs, racial slurs and swearing. Never a mention, an apology. Her letter to her kids asks them to forgive her mistakes but I don’t think she has any idea or clue of how her choices have affected them. That is a poison for them to behold. The wound opened and festering in their psyche by her shallow attempt on her initial phone contact.......“When I get out I will buy you things.” Ugh. You are right, Copa. Awhile ago, I saw her Instagram page. Full of selfies and “gangsta” slang. Her beauty marred by the ugliness brewing inside. I have to borrow from my grandchildren’s armor. They want nothing to do with her. They have been through too much. We all have. I know love forgives, but that also comes with the offender being remorseful and willing to change. The “family” card is so easy for her to play when it suits her. I do worry about the depression from detox, but give that to God. I cannot go backwards with this latest situation with her. I have come to far to allow that. I have been thinking about this Copa. Together with Re’s experiences, Kalahou, it makes so much sense. It is not my journey to walk. I don’t plan on visiting, or for that matter, going to court. It is so typical of her. “Rally to my side!” Uh, no. Thank you Copa for the clarity. You know how our kids can pull the wool over our eyes and manipulate those heart strings. I will write to her, when I am ready. Then I will be cautious with my words. She has a way of switching them all around. Thank you so much Wish for your love and hugs. I feel the same about Tornados situation. It really is an answer to my fervent prayers that she find herself. I am sure she does not feel the same at this time. It is up to her to make it a turning point, or not. I am swimming against the tide at times, trying not to relapse into old habits, emotionally and in my response. Cautious optimism, and standing on a “wait and see” platform. I know that the meth may have cleared her system, but not her thinking, she is a dry addict. [I]I am a dry enabler.[/I] I am cognizant that it is easy for me to slip into old habits and allow her situation to infect my life, which I cannot abide. My big saving grace is focusing on my responsibilities towards my son. I know all too well that I can’t use this as a crutch, that I constantly have to work in building myself up to resist the temptation to fall prey to her tactics. [I]She[/I] will measure my love in phone calls, letters, money in her account, jail visits. Not acceptable. It is as Copa wrote, she is choosing to put her plight on me. It is not my load to bear. She has to find it in herself to make the right choices and to bear responsibility for her past mistakes. She has to understand the pain she has inflicted on her family and herself. I will continue to pray for her recovery, and proceed with caution with my response. Lest she continue to be confused at bearing responsibility, blame switch and feel entitled. That is what I am seeing through her letters, with the help of everyone who has posted. It is so easy to let my mother’s heart be duped into going into overdrive. I thank you all for helping me put on the brakes and think. Nothing needs to be done, at this time. In fact, I have to remember that I have my life to live, bills to pay, work, my son. She needs to know this as well, it should be a [I]given, [/I]something[I] blaringly obvious. [/I] Thank you so much, everyone, for your replies, encouragement and hugs. It is a whole new chapter on this journey. One that I hope turns out for the better. That is completely up to Tornado. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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